Quotes by Jerome "Jerry" Seinfeld

George: "She calls me up at my office. She says, 'We have to talk.'"
Jerry: "Ugh. The four worst words in the English language."
George: "That or 'Whose bra is this?'"
Jerry: "That's worse."

Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push; you gotta rock it back and forth a few times and then it goes over.

Women don't respect salad eaters.

George: "Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?"
Jerry: "Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind."

George: "You're gonna over-dry your laundry."
Jerry: "You can't over-dry."
George: "Why not?"
Jerry: "Same reason you can't over-wet."

George: "You've got to apologize."
Jerry: "Why?"
George: "Because it's the mature and adult thing to do."
Jerry: "How does that affect me?"

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

Why is nice bad? What kind of a sick society are we living in when nice is bad?

I spend so much time trying to get their clothes off, I never thought of taking mine off.

Borrowing money from a friend is like having sex. It just completely changes the relationship.

This woman hates me so much, I’m starting to like her.

Mr. Peterman: "Elaine, can you keep a secret?"
Elaine: "No sir, I can't."

I’m not a lesbian. I hate men, but I’m not a lesbian.

I have a bad feeling that whenever a lesbian looks at me they think 'That’s why I’m not a heterosexual.'

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

There is no such thing as fun for the WHOLE family.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Marriage is like a game of chess. Except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Salad. Salad is by far the best food in the world. Cheap to buy, easy to whip up, and filling.

I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things.

For it is good to be children sometimes, and never better than at Christmas, when its mighty Founder was a child Himself.

I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future.