Quotes by Jerome "Jerry" Seinfeld

George: "She calls me up at my office. She says, 'We have to talk.'"
Jerry: "Ugh. The four worst words in the English language."
George: "That or 'Whose bra is this?'"
Jerry: "That's worse."

Breaking up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You can't do it in one push; you gotta rock it back and forth a few times and then it goes over.

Women don't respect salad eaters.

George: "Why do they make the condom packets so hard to open?"
Jerry: "Probably to give the woman a chance to change her mind."

George: "You're gonna over-dry your laundry."
Jerry: "You can't over-dry."
George: "Why not?"
Jerry: "Same reason you can't over-wet."

George: "You've got to apologize."
Jerry: "Why?"
George: "Because it's the mature and adult thing to do."
Jerry: "How does that affect me?"

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.