Quotes by Jay Leno

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it.

President George Bush is a serious fitness buff. Apparently, he likes working out because it "clears his mind". Sometimes it works a little too well.

Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's-Third-Wife-Day.

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.

With high-definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion.

Show business is like champagne. You'll appreciate it more if you don't drink it every day.

Marriage is grand. Divorce is about 20 grand.

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?

You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that.

Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?

It was so cold, Taylor Swift built a snowman - then dumped him and wrote a song about it.

Elon was smart, when he started, he knew this idea would work so he built charging stations. He was building the infrastructure as he was building the vehicle.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

Dairy Queen is selling something called the Cheesecake Blizzard. It's a pound of ice cream with chunks of cheesecake in it. We have now reached the point where cheesecake is merely an ingredient.