The best Quotes by Jay Leno

The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.

A student from the University of Washington has sold his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he probably doesn't need it.

President George Bush is a serious fitness buff. Apparently, he likes working out because it "clears his mind". Sometimes it works a little too well.

Mother's Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, Dad's-Third-Wife-Day.

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

You're not famous until my mother has heard of you.

With high-definition TV, everything looks bigger and wider. Kind of like going to your 25th high school reunion.

Show business is like champagne. You'll appreciate it more if you don't drink it every day.

Marriage is grand. Divorce is about 20 grand.

How would it be if we discovered that aliens only stopped by earth to let their kids take a leak?

You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that.

Scientists think they can now clone an all-white zebra. Now, I'm no expert, but isn't that a horse?

It was so cold, Taylor Swift built a snowman - then dumped him and wrote a song about it.

Elon was smart, when he started, he knew this idea would work so he built charging stations. He was building the infrastructure as he was building the vehicle.

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?"

Dairy Queen is selling something called the Cheesecake Blizzard. It's a pound of ice cream with chunks of cheesecake in it. We have now reached the point where cheesecake is merely an ingredient.

'Cause, darling, I'm a nightmare dressed like a daydream

If you are lucky enough to be different, don't ever change!

I think I've seen this film before
And I didn't like the ending
You're not my homeland anymore
So what am I defendin' now?
You were my town
Now I'm in exile seein' you out
I think I've seen this film before

At some point, you grow out of being attracted to that flame that burns you over and over and over again.

A whole life blown away in the blink of an eye. Nothing left but all the time in the world to think about it.

No wonder the city never sleeps, it's too busy trying to get laid.

Lisa: "What was your booth for again?"
Tom: "It was free legal advice. I'm a lawyer."
Lisa: "So you are a creep."

Come on. Let’s see how much we’re going for on eBay.

The heart can be tough to change, but the mind can be tough to persuade.

One of the weird things about Hollywood is we're all imposters; we're all just glammed up.

As a native Washingtonian, I am well aware that childhood obesity is a real problem in our nation's capital.

But fame is a strange thing. Some men gain glory after they die, while others fade. What is admired in one generation is abhorred in another.

I only drink Champagne on two occasions: when I'm in love and when I'm not.

I've given my memoirs far more thought than any of my marriages. You can't divorce a book.

There may be aliens in our Milky Way galaxy, and there are billions of other galaxies. The probability is almost certain that there is life somewhere in space.

If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like.

You're genetically designed to take down zebras, yet you're picking on a f*cking mongoose, mate. [..] The whole animal kingdom thinks you're a p*ssy!

Fact: You're never too old to build a snowman or to start a snowball fight.

Great companies are built on great products.

In order to get cheap accommodation in Australia, we like foreign people to do manual labour for us. Helping feed the cows is very important, they are the future of McDonald's.

Potatoes become french fries, chips and vodka. I'm starting to think that other vegetables aren't really trying.

"I'll make eggs for breakfast. How do you want yours?"
"In a cheesecake!"

You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles

If you see German soldiers, don't panic. They are here to help.