The best Quotes by Jay Bilzerian

If I was gonna f*ck a turkey, I would warm it up, like a goddamn gentleman!

Gay Town sounds fun, but I've thought a lot about it, and I belong in Biami.

I'm like Young Sheldon... if he fed.

Andrew: "Jay's been bragging that he's gonna get fingered at the dance."
Nick: "What? First of all, I think he's got that wrong. Either that or you have grossly misquoted him."

Those girls are gonna eat him alive, and then barf him out because they're bulimic.

I'm not gonna ask a girl. I don't need that kind of rejection.

Jay: "How else are men supposed to get bj0bs?"
Maury: "You lean your head back, arch your crotch in the air and say, 'Dinner is served'."

I gotta withhold my seed for the safety of mankind.

"Sorry, bro, she wants a real man. Ninth grade, top of the food chain."
Nick: "Um, actually, sweets and fats are at the top of the food chain."
Andrew: "Oh, poor Nick. He's confusing the food pyramid with the food chain."

Andrew: "When you do kiss a girl, to make it official..."
Nick: "...there's gotta be tongue!"
Andrew: "Major tongue."
Nick: "You want to flick your tongue around."
Andrew: "Ideally."
Nick: "And you really want to get your tongue underneath hers too."
Andrew: "Yeah, you want to get in there like a Claritin to just dissolve."
Nick: "Yeah. We know what we're talking about."
Andrew: "It's nice to talk like men."

I am not a kid, for your information. I am 60 years old. I remember when Moses was president.

You're gonna sit on his face and use that hair as a seat belt.

Puberty Fairy?! I'm the hormone monster. I'm no fairy. I mean sure I like to f*ck around with dudes, but I'm no fairy.

Nick: "I mean until Trump got elected, Harriet Tubman was going to be on the $20 bill."
Andrew: "Oh yeah, what happened with that?"
Nick: "I think it's gonna be Papa John now."

I know this all seems embarrassing right now but maybe one day you'll look back on this time fondly and perhaps even make something beautiful out of it.

You somehow made farting even cooler!

Eleanor Roosevelt once said, quote, "Do one thing every day that scares you," closed quote. And I think this red bra scares both of us.

What is the point of research papers? Every thing's on Wikipedia, and it's all completely accurate.

Kids just don't nut like they used to.

I actually enjoyed being alone, solitude allowed me to think about important things.

Of course, nobody I knew in East-Texas in 1989 cared about Newtonian Physics. The only Newtons they cared about were Wayne and Fig.

Connie: "Does he even know you like him?"
Missy: "I don't know. I've ignored him, been mean to him. What else can I do?"

Whoa, and the '70s are back. All we need are the Bee Gees and bell-bottoms and it's Studio 54.

When a Texan gets knocked off a horse, he gets right back on. That is the second most important thing about bein' a Texan, right after thinkin' you're better than everybody else.

Butterflies are just worms that can chase you.

Sweat is the urine of the skin.

"Did you grow up in Texas?"
Meemaw: "Took my first bath in a ten-gallon hat."

Wrong? We're in Florida. The state bird is a chicken finger.

Smile, but with your p3nis.

I just wish you could see your d1ck the way I do.

My whole body is tense, like Joe Biden is whispering a dirty joke in my ear.

Listen to me! You want to shoplift lipstick, you want to listen to Lana Del Rey on repeat while you cut up all your t-shirts. You want to scream at your mother and then laugh at her tears!

Leonard: "For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to... hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?"
Sheldon: "You have a sarcasm sign?"

Leonard: "I've dated plenty of women. There was Joyce Kim... Leslie Winkle..."
Sheldon: "Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary. The word 'plenty' has been redefined to mean 'two.'"

Oh, gravity, thou art a heartless b*tch!

Sheldon: "Texas, Oklahoma... what's the difference?"
Meemaw: "Hey, now, I think you might want to crack open your psychology textbook 'cause that there is crazy talk."

George: "As soon as I graduate High-School, I'm gonna be a professional male-model."
Meemaw: "That is hilarious."
George: "What? I'm good looking."
Meemaw: "No, that you think you'll graduate High-School."

What if Einstein's parents had held him back? We wouldn't even have the... - I was gonna say "atomic bomb", but there's probably a better example.

Missy Cooper: "I don't want to die, I've only kissed one boy so far."
Mary Cooper: "What?!"
Missy Cooper: "Relax, it was a long time ago."