The best Quotes by Jake Harper

Alan: "You can't stay here alone."
Jake: "Why not?"
Alan: "You know why not."
Jake: "But you don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore."

Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 11

Turtles

Alan: "We judge a person by what's inside and not by what they wear."
Jake: "Lucky for you, huh?"

Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 11

Jake: "We had a surprise test today."
Alan: "And?"
Jake: "I was really surprised."

Two and a half Men - Season 3 Episode 19

Surprises

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Women reject me for 100 different reasons. White teeth would reduce that to 99 problems.

Alan Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 10 Episode 2

Teeth

Well, listen, just remember, that love will get u through times of no money better, than money will get you through times of no love.

Alan Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 20

Alan: "Why don't you get a vasectomy?"
Charlie: "I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago I believe there was a petition circulating."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 24

The damage has been done. All that's left to do now is drink until the part of the brain that creates mental pictures is dead.

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 18

Alcohol

Alan: "I feel sorry that your heart has become so hard and small, that you've lost the capacity to connect with another human being on any level any more meaningful, than the inebriated exchange of bodily fluids."
Charlie: "Boy, leave it to you to take a beautiful thing like drunken sex and make it sound dirty."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 16

Alan: "What are you afraid off?"
Charlie: "I'm afraid I'm gonna hit you so hard, I'll be an only-child."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 15

Alan: "When a boy becomes a man - and that's what you're becoming - he has to start protecting the women in his life from certain things."
Charlie: "Like the truth."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 12

Alan: "Charlie, there's a half naked woman in our kitchen!"
Charlie: "Which half?"

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 6

Kitchen Being naked

It doesn't matter if you win or loose, it's whether or not you beat the spread.

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 5

Gambling

Charlie: "Don't cry, we can still be friends!"
Alan: "What?"
Charlie: "I'm sorry, it's the only thing I know to say when someone cries around here."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 3

Judith: "I'm very concerned, he's just a child. I don't know if he can deal with this."
Charlie: "Give your son some credit, he's an incredible kid."
Judith: "I was talking about you!"

Judith Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 3

Alan: "Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears."
Charlie: "Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 2

Charlie: "You know who wrote that song? Your uncle Charlie wrote that!"
Jake: "No lie?"
Charlie: "Kid if I was gonna lie, it would've been 'Stairway To Heaven' and not 'The Maple-Loops-Song'."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 1

Dont worry, there's not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere.

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 1

Be sure to wear a condom, not everything stays in Vegas!

Alan Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 8

Las Vegas

I give you a hint: I didn't do the dog 'people-style'.

Alan Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 8

Alan: "Look, if you feel so strongly about this girl, why don't you just call her?"
Charlie: "Yeah, sure, I could call her. I could also Fed-Ex her my testicles in a little silk bag."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men

Lord. You blessed me with a lot: more money than I know what to do with, a beautiful home, and a surprisingly resilient liver. You have truly given unto me with both hands, which brings me to my request.

Of all the gifts yo've bestowed upon me, none are a greater testament to your glory than Chelsea's heavenly breasts. I don't know why you couldn't have thrown in a sturdy spine so she could tote those things around, but who am I to question your methods?

Anyway, you probably know that she's thinking about tampering with your great work, and I was just hoping that you could, you know that, talk to her, return her to the path of righteousness and bodaciousness. Amen.

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men

Let us consider the hummingbird, Alan. Or the butterfly. All of God's creature are perfect just the way He made them. Except you. You suck.

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men

Charlie: "Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a wh*re-house."
Alan: "Excuse me?"
Charlie: "You're constantly surprised when you've been screwed - and you don't want to pay for it!"

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men

What happened? Did Starbucks merge with Hooters? Hooterbucks - I'd like a Double-D Cup Latte, please!

Alan Harper in Two and a half Men

Starbucks

Walden: "Let this be a warning to you, Alan. There're women out there, that will be nice to you, just to get to your money."
Alan: "Thanks, but that's not very high on my list of concerns."

Alan Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 4

Lindsey: "You're tall, good looking, very successful. Believe me, women settle for a lot less!"
Alan: "And thank god for that!"

Alan Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 4

Kiara: "They're gonna have Japanese toilets with towel warmers."
JJ: "Of course. Why wouldn't they?"
Kiara: "This used to be a turtle habitat, but who cares about the turtles, I guess?"
JJ: "I can't have cold towels."

JJ Maybank in Outer Banks - Season 1 Episode 1

Turtles Toilet

If you ever meet a sea turtle, make sure to ask how old he is.

Nemo in Finding Nemo

Turtles

Jack: "What an unexpected surprise!"
Kate: "All surprises are unexpected."

Kate Bishop in Hawkeye - Season 1 Episode 1

Surprises

Life is full of surprises, some good, some not so good.

Pablo Escobar

Surprises

A story to me means a plot where there is some surprise. Because that is how life is - full of surprises.

Isaac Bashevis Singer

Stories Surprises

I think falling in love is always a surprise, right?

Josh Dallas

Falling in love Surprises

Alcohol is for people who can afford to lose a few brain-cells.

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 6 Episode 3

Alcohol Brain

Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? And how would we get there?

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 4 Episode 22

Cars

Charlie: "With his grades, he might as well get used to pushing shopping carts around."
Alan: "Are you saying my son's gonna end up working in a supermarket?"
Charlie: "No, I'm saying he's probably gonna end up homeless."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 3 Episode 17

Feelings are like your mother's breasts. You know they're there, but they're better left unfelt.

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men

Feelings & Emotions

Walden: "Money does not buy happiness!"
Alan: "I wouldn't know, I never had either."

Alan Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 1

I know what you said you wanted, but I really dont think Pamela Anderson will agree to swallow your ashes.

Alan Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 1

Pamela Anderson

[talking to Charlie's urn] Here we are, buddy. Just like old times, I'm talking and you're in a bottle, ignoring me.

Alan Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 1

I could sprinkle you on the beach. It's simple, it's dignified and pretty girls covered with oil will be sitting on you all day. And like your life, except for the dignified part.

Alan Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 1

Charlie: "Looks to be a beautiful day. Slightly overcast, but that should burn off in a few hours, leaving us with another sun-dappled afternoon in paradise."
Berta: "You still drunk from last night, or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?"

Berta in Two and a half Men - Season 3 Episode 13

It's a shame, you paying all that money for an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house, and you're not allowed inside either one.

Berta in Two and a half Men - Season 3 Episode 4

Ex Quotes

I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.

Berta in Two and a half Men - Season 2 Episode 8

The best Quotes by Jake Harper

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