The best Quotes by George Carlin

The best Quotes by George Carlin

George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, author, and social critic. Regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comedians of all time, he was dubbed "the dean of counterculture comedians".

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
2
Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't wanna f*ck in the first place?
1
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
1
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
1
The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.

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No wonder the city never sleeps, it's too busy trying to get laid.
Carrie Bradshaw in Sex And The City - Season 1 Episode 11
5
There are eight million people in this city. And those teeming masses exist for the sole purpose of lifting the few exceptional people onto their shoulders.
Grüner Kobold in Spider-Man
2
If I can make it there
I'll make it anywhere
It's up to you
New York, New York
Frank Sinatra - New York, New York
2
Manhattan, for millions of our forefathers, the gateway to hope, opportunity and happiness beyond their wildest dreams. Today, that hope is still alive, it's called "The First Date". On Saturday nights, every restaurant in Lower Manhattan resembles its own little Ellis Island.
Carrie Bradshaw in Sex And The City - Season 2 Episode 3
2
I want to wake up in that city
That doesn't sleep
And find I'm king of the hill
Top of the heap
Frank Sinatra - New York, New York
1
In a city that moves so fast, you get the Sunday paper on Saturday - how did any of us know how much time we had left?
Carrie Bradshaw in Sex And The City - Season 2 Episode 5
1
We are New Yorkers. Proud citizens of the greatest city on earth. Thinking big isn't new to us. It is the very foundation of who we are.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
8
"There's perfect men around every corner", said God an made the Earth round.
5
Working out makes people more comfortable with their naked bodies. So does Tequila.
3
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
2
My ambition is handicapped by laziness.
7
There is nothing like staying at home for real comfort.
2
If believing in yourself and going after what you want in life and realising your worth is ruthless and selfish, then I'm definitely ruthless and selfish.
Good, better, best. Never let it rest. Until your good is better and your better is the best.
Sometimes the right path is not the easiest one.
Grandmother Willow in Pocahontas
12
Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.
8
I think about it every year, so I picked up a pen
Happy birthday, I love you whoever you would've been
Flipsyde - Happy Birthday
2
I paid for the murder before they determined the sex
Choosing our life over your life meant your death
And you never got a chance to even open your eyes
Sometimes I wonder as a fetus, if you fought for your life
Flipsyde - Happy Birthday
2
Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same could be said of Bugs Bunny... and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the Earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real?
Kyle Broflovski in South Park - Season 11 Episode 12
5
I still believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and true love. Don't even try to tell me different.
1
Good girls are waiting for the prince on his horse.
Smart girls are taking the horse themselves.
Bad girls are riding on the prince.
Well-behaved women seldom make history.
Dante: "[seeing a Confederate flag] What? Are you serious?"
Lila: "Newsflash, we're in deep Texas."
The stars at night, are big and bright,
deep in the heart of Texas,
The prairie sky is wide and high,
deep in the heart of Texas.
1
Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.
2
You know what they say about weather in the Midwest. If you don't like it, wait an hour.
C-Note in Prison Break - Season 1 Episode 15
1
Sitting still, a person produces about 100 watts of heat. What if you could use that to charge your cell phone?
If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight.
Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.
Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017
One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".
1
To never be sick can't be healthy.
F*ck reason - long live the nonsense!
A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.
Cynicism, to me, is trying to make people as unhappy as you are.
Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!
The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

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