The best Quotes by Aziz Ansari

In Italy, you know you've found a truly authentic restaurant when they don't have an English menu. In India, it's when there are no utensils and you must eat with your hands.

Be nice to people and work hard!

There's probably so many people that are capable of incredible things that just don't get the opportunity. I always say that if I didn't write Master of None, nobody would've given me this part.

What you really want is someone you can hang around with on a Sunday afternoon and watch a TV show with, and do nothing, and feel like it's the most fun ever.

I was a dishwasher at one of those Japanese places that cook on your table. Not too fun.

A lot of people my age think stand up sucks.

Do It Under the Influence Yourself! That's what we're shooting for! Get drunk and make your dreams come true.

Every time I've done comedy in, like, traditional comedy clubs, there's always these comedians that do really well with audiences but that the other comedians hate because they're just, you know, doing kind of cheap stuff like dancing around or doing, like, very kind of base sex humor a lot, and stuff like that.

For the majority of the time, I may as well have been just a really tan white kid. You know, I may as well have just been, like, a fat kid.

Rachel: "I barely remember anything from that night, except for that you're from South Carolina, you have a younger brother, your dad's a doctor, and you went to a public high school for students, gifted in math and science."
Dev: "Yeah. But don't you feel like those are just assumptions you can make about any Indian person?"

I feel like there should be an app that analyzes your tum and tells you what you want to eat.

Long term relationships are tough. You can't just expect a big, roaring fire right away, right? You know, you can't put the big logs in first. You start with the small stuff. Kindling, all right? Then you add that, then you put in the big logs and then you have a roaring fire. And that's a good relationship. But be careful, sometimes kindling is hard to find, you know? Good wood. So, don't take it for granted.

Dev: "You see The Social Network? Max Minghella plays an Indian guy. He's white. They browned him up."
Ravi: "No no, I read he's one-sixteenth Indian."
Dev: "Who cares? If you go back far enough we're all one-sixteenth something. I'm probably one-sixteenth black. You think they're gonna let me play Blade?"

Going to Whole Foods, want me to pick you up anything?

Why do they call it Plan B? I mean, is Plan A having the kid? That's a terrible plan.

"Did they live happily ever after?"
"I don't know about ever after, but they're pretty happy now."

No, I just wanted to do one dinner. I don't want, like, a serious relationship with my father.

Your IMDb page is full of Indian stereotypes.

Jogging is the worst. I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?

One time my refrigerator stopped working. I didn't know what to do. I just moved.

If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?

I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring really loudly at me.

I would like a glass of red wine and I'll take the cheapest one you have because I can't tell the difference.

I'm big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.

I'm going to tell you a secret about everyone else's job: no one knows what they are doing. Deep down, everyone is just faking it until they figure it out.

No matter what I do, literally nothing bad can happen to me. I'm like a white, male U.S. Senator.

Calzones are pointless. They're just pizza that's harder to eat. No one likes them.

In Sicily, women are more dangerous than shotguns.

Aunties are older Indian women who have no blood-relation to you. But are allowed to have opinions about your life and all your shortcomings. And you have to be nice to them because you're Indian.

Dinner's a very intimate activity. It requires a level of connection and eye contact, that sex just doesn't. Call me old-fashioned, but I need to have sex with a girl at least three times before I'll even consider having dinner with her.

Does it really need a reason to help somebody?

Smart women love smart men more than smart men love smart women.

If you do anything productive on a Sunday, you will die unfortunately.

Comedians are really writers who don't have pens and pencils about them, but they riff.

The raccoon problem is under control. They have their part of the town and we have ours.

There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.

Ugh. I hate talking to people about things.

I had to call in a few favors. But if you don't call in favors to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?

Halloween is my favorite holiday. It's just the best. And I don't have to work! Hey sl*tty teenage girls dressed as sexy kittens, pump your own stomachs this year!

One candidate is too old and mentally unfit to be president. The other one is me.