The best Quotes by Stan Smith

Guns don't kill people, people kill people! Guns defend people against people with smaller guns.

Gummi Bears?! He replaced my bullets with Gummi Bears from the mini bar... that's gonna cost me $7!

Roger: "I once survived four days in a Del Taco parking lot extracting life-saving nutrients from puddles and bird shit."
Steve: "Why didn't you just go into the Del Taco?"
Roger: "I'm a Taco Bell man."

Doctors are stupid, Roger. They're just failed dentists.

When I joined the CIA, I knew the deal. If we make a mistake, we cover it up. Like the time Dick accidentally created feline AIDS and we covered it up by blaming it on gay cats.

Hello, Bill Gates? Turns out I’m the richest guy in the world, because I have an adoring wife and a loving family.
Hello, UNICEF? Yes, I’d like to donate some of my immense riches. What’s that? Children are still starving in Africa because wife love is worthless to you? What an odd policy!

I guess I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie-daisies.

Ah, saturday afternoon TV. Where the sneaky networks hide all the good shows.

Boil water? What, am I a chemist?

The new Pixar movie, Clothes. It’s about the secret lives of clothes. John Ratzenberger plays a tie.

There's an old German saying: 'Don't blame the fish!' There are other sayings, but they mostly involve genocide...

Oh, I love your religion... for the crazy! Virgin birth. Water into wine. It's like Harry Potter, but it causes genocide and bad folk music.

A real New York hotel! How many Wall Street bankers have had their first prostitute here?

Stan, we can't have a grown woman acting like a child in our house. This ain't no Disney Channel.

I’m gonna go hit the sack, and then probably go to bed.

In a hundred years, when there’s a million jerks riding around Manhattan drunk in limos, the west will seem like a paradise.

Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces people into thinking they can't lose.

Capitalism has worked very well. Anyone who wants to move to North Korea is welcome.

Your most unhappy customers are your greatest source of learning.

Life is not fair, get used to it!

Mankind invented the atomic bomb, but no mouse would ever construct a mousetrap.

Why can't we us thoughts and prayers to protect the border? It's what we use to protect our schools.

Television is a medium of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time, and yet remain lonesome.

Lip: "Hey, whoa. You really think they deserve your hard-earned money for that service?"
Frank: "Dine and dash?"
Lip: "Bite and bolt."
Frank: "Eat it and beat it?"