The best Quotes by Lisa Lampanelli

In the end, censoring a comedian's jokes is on par with censoring "Huckleberry Finn." Now, I'm not comparing myself to Mark Twain - he had much wavier hair and a slightly thicker mustache. But when you deny an artist the chance to explore his art, you're forcing your beliefs on him.

When I say I'm going gangster, I'm working really hard at something.

People with HIV and AIDS are nothing to be afraid of. They are people just like every single one of us, and each has a story to tell. These people should be helped, embraced, and not dismissed. We need to open our hearts and our minds to them, and we just may learn we're pretty much all the same.

"Baywatch" sucks so bad. I didn't watch it the first time around; I'm sure not going to buy a DVD. But really, you just kind of find out the categories of what's most foolish about these people. With Hasselhoff, it's obviously the huge man-t*ts with chest hair, probably a lot about his crappy acting, obviously the hamburger video - that's huge.

I'm not a private person. I like hanging out and talking to fans. But my life isn't so interesting that you want to see the inside of it.

A kiss is something you need both hands for.

Preserve your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but not live.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

Give every day the chance to become the most beautiful day of your life.

Let us consider that we are all partially insane. It will explain us to each other; it will unriddle many riddles.

'You can go home now,' Tom told us.
'We'll meet next week. Then we can rob somebody and kill some people.'

You don't know about me without you have read a book by the name of The Adventures of Tom Sawyer; but that ain't no matter. That book was made by Mr. Mark Twain, and he told the truth, mainly. There was things which he stretched, but mainly he told the truth.

If you tell the truth you do not need a good memory.

I do not wish any reward but to know I have done the right thing.

I find it a bit sad that there is no photo of me hanging on the walls in the Berlin Museum at Check-Point Charlie.

Summer: "Did you just look at my boobs? You should look at my face."
Matt: "I'm trying but it's so close to your boobs."

Mitch: "We've got a dead body on our beach."
Matt: "That's not our job."
Mitch: "My gut says there's some bad shit going on over there and my balls say we need to check it out."
Matt: "My balls say, 'let's just take it easy right here'."
Mitch: "What? Your balls sound like three-year-old girls."
Matt: "I don't know, man. That's just how they talk. But they're wise."

You're in politics. You know that no one can claw their way to the top without getting a little dirt under their fingernails.

Summer Quinn: "Why does she always look like she's running in slow-mo?"
Ronnie Greenbaum: "You see it too?"
Summer Quinn: "And she always looks wet, but not too wet."
Ronnie Greenbaum: "Right? She's the reason I believe in God."

There's no I in team, but there is a me.

Comedians are really writers who don't have pens and pencils about them, but they riff.

I've experienced plenty of times when something I think is funny doesn't do very well. And there are times when something I don't think is funny makes the audience laugh so hard.

AIDS is an absolutely tragic disease. The argument about AIDS being some kind of divine retribution is crap.

The AIDS is a disease that is hard to talk about.

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

To never be sick can't be healthy.

F*ck reason - long live the nonsense!

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Cynicism, to me, is trying to make people as unhappy as you are.

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

Dubai accomplished that boom through lots of hard work... by slaves.

People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

Harvey: "You gonna sit up here on national TV and say 'nekkid', and then point at the damn board like we gonna let you get away with it!"
Contestant: "I bet you said 'nekkid' in one of your comedy routines."
Harvey: "You on Family Feud! This ain't a comedy routine!"

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

The only time you should look back in life is to see how far you have come.

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.