The best Quotes by Kevin James

A song can take you to a special time in your life.

Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.

From there, I tried out for a community theatre play, joined an improv group... it all started opening up.

I've always had something in my heart where I root for guys who struggle with women.

I never played a musical instrument growing up but I knew kids who did and took it very seriously.

No wife of mine is gonna do dishes on Valentine's Day. You can do these tomorrow.

Carrie: "What are you doing?"
Doug: "Well, from your tone of voice... I'm guessing, not the right thing."

Spence: "A month is not that long not to have had sex."
Doug: "Yeah, but if you add in the other 31 years, I'd think you'd be a little antsy..."

You know, it has been 17 days since I've "enjoyed" you. And I assume it's been months since you've enjoyed me.

Carrie: "I can't do this to him. I can't stick him in some crappy place where they're gonna just prop him up in a chair and pump him full of Jell-O. I mean, he's my father.
Doug: "Car, I know how you feel. But you gotta be realistic, there's no alternative."
Carrie: "Well, there is one alternative..."
Doug: "Euthanasia?! Do we dare?"

Bean: "K-O-B-R-Q-V-Y. Confidence."
Eric: "Well, we're not gonna have to pay for college."

Becky Feder: "How long ago was the '80s?"
Keithie Feder: "That was way back in the 1900s. We learned about it in school. It was wack. The phones had long, curly things coming out of the end. You had to watch commercials."

A burpsnart? It's simple. You just start with a burp, then you sniff with a sneeze, you get the going, and that triggers a fart, always.

Lenny Feder: "Doctor, wouldn't it be nice if there was a cure for anger?"
Dr. Larry: "There is. It's called Jack Daniels."

I can't believe nobody's even scared of a black guy anymore! Damn you, Obama!

Do not call him a bug-eyed sociopath with a little man complex. Do not say that his hair makes him look like a dirty q-tip. Or that he resembles an older, gay Jonas Brother. Or a midget, Filipino Fonzi.

Life can be difficult sometimes, it gets bumpy. What with family and kids and things not going exactly like you planned. But that's what makes it interesting. In life the first act is always exciting. The second act... that is where the depth comes in.

Eric Lamonsoff: "Your dad has won over 50 games with that shot."
Greg Feder: "Really? Because that shot doesn't work on the Wii."
Eric Lamonsoff: "Well, you should Wii-turn that Wii and get yourself a Wii-fund. Tim Duncan has had over a hundred game winners with that shot."

You're human and I'm a monster. It's like freaky friday but on a tuesday.

I always thought the worst thing ever would be seeing you go, but the worst is seeing you unhappy.

Human blood is so fatty and you never know where its been.

Jonathan: "Are these monsters gonna kill me?"
Dracula: "Not as long as they think you're a monster."
Jonathan: "That's kinda racist."

Armor: "Sir, sir, we have an urgent plumbing issue."
Dracula: "Plumbing?
Armor: "There is a clogged toilet in room 348."
Dracula: "It's okay, we all get stomach aches, Mr. Bigfoot."

Dracula: "No, honey, you're too young."
Mavis: "I'm a hundred and eighteen years old."

Speaking of awesome, that cape thing is killing it!

Welcome to Hotel Transylvania. It's a place I built for all those monsters hiding from the persecution of humankind, a place of relaxation and tranquility.

I don't think they believed the last excuse you gave them. What was it, that you 'were stuck in a well'?

Songs are as sad as the listener.

Thanksgiving is almost here and as soon as people realize how much money they have to spend on holiday gifts, their wallets snap tighter than Kim Kardashian's legs after the wedding check cleared.

"What's love to you?"
Flaca: "It's like getting into a bath, but the water is like warm chocolate pudding. And the Smiths are playing ‘There Is A Light That Never Goes Out.' There's mood lighting all over, and there's like five dudes massaging you."
Maritza: "And you have a pizza!"
Flaca: "She's right. You also have a pizza."

For the soul, laughing is what oxygen is for the lungs.

It's not about the absence of fear. It's overcoming it.

If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends.

My philosophy is: It's none of my business what people say of me and think of me.

My father always said, "Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their book shelf" - so I make sure I read.

We think too much and feel too little.

If one does not attach himself to people and desires, never shall his heart be broken. But then, does he ever truly live?

One should judge a man mainly from his depravities. Virtues can be faked. Depravities are real.

I'm much more proud of being a father than being an actor.