The best Quotes by Johnny Carson

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whisky, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.

That's L.A. They worship everything and they value nothing.

Welcome to a city where people trying to disappear aren't actually trying.

I lived in L.A. for a few months. It seemed like no one there had parents. Or if they did have parents, they would deny it.

Linda: "Why did you decide to come to Los Angeles?"
Lucifer: "The same reason as everyone else: the weather, p*rnstars, Mexican food."

People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife.

Los Angeles was the kind of place where everybody was from somewhere else and nobody really droppped anchor.

California has officially announced that jaywalking is now no longer a crime. So congratulations to the Californians who like walking places. This is great news for the six of you.

New Mexico. It's another state. I mean, it's like California, just less traffic.

We all have our little faults. Mine's in California.

All creative people should be required to leave California for three months every year.

Helsinki may not be as cold as you make it out to be, but California is still a lot nicer. I don't remember the last time I couldn't walk around in shorts all day.

The apparent ease of California life is an illusion, and those who believe the illusion real live here in only the most temporary way.

You have never seen such lofty clouds, such towering anvils, as in Iowa in July.

They say money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a flight to Iowa - and that's pretty much the same thing.

Every time you kiss me, it's like sunshine and whiskey.

People should not be afraid of their governments. Governments should be afraid of their people.

I would like to be remembered as someone who did the best she could with the talent she had.

To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!

He who postpones the hour of living is like the rustic who waits for the river to run out before he crosses.

If you want more sex, just ask for it.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

No wonder the city never sleeps, it's too busy trying to get laid.

One candidate is too old and mentally unfit to be president. The other one is me.