The best Quotes by Mike Birbiglia

Directing a movie is a little bit like being back in student government and putting on the homecoming dance. You're like, 'You put up the streamers, and you hire the DJ, and you get the punch bowl.' Some people are just like, 'This dance sucks.' And you're like, 'No no, this dance is awesome!' You have to be really positive.

I was a screenwriting major at Georgetown, and I was in class with some really strong writers like Jonathan Nolan, who co-wrote 'The Dark Knight' with Chris, his brother. He wrote 'The Prestige,' the story for 'Memento.'

The one thing you're most reluctant to tell. That's where the comedy is.

I think that my regrets mostly have to do with my relationship with my ex-girlfriend. Every once in a while, you get those flashback memories of conversations you had with your exes, and you just, like, wince when you're walking down the street. Something occurs to you, 'Oh, no, I said that.'

I love pizza. I want to marry it, but it would just be to eat her family at the wedding.

You're gonna like Massachusetts. It's very patriotic - perfect for a fresh start.

I'm lucky to have been raised in the most beautiful place - Amherst, Massachusetts, state of my heart. I'm more patriotic to Massachusetts than to almost any place.

I will work my heart out to earn the trust of the people of Massachusetts.

The man in the White House is not the cause of what is broken, he is just the latest and most extreme symptom of what's gone wrong in America. A product of a rigged system that props up the rich and powerful and kicks dirt on everyone else.

I went to Massachusetts to make a difference. I didn't go there to begin a political career running time and time again. I made a difference. I put in place the things I wanted to do.

Only a liberal senator from Massachusetts would say that a 49 percent increase in funding for education was not enough.

They say money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a flight to Massachusetts - and that's pretty much the same thing.

One candidate is too old and mentally unfit to be president. The other one is me.

What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson?
The Wok.

I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike, I have a rear view mirror.

When you're in love it's the most glorious two and a half days of your life.

I quit therapy because my analyst was trying to help me behind my back.