The best Quotes by Mike Myers

Anyone who tells you fatherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to you, they are understating it.

Canada is a country of ingredients without a cuisine; we're a country with musicians without an indigenous instrument; Toronto's a city that doesn't even have a dish named after it.

I like smart jokes, I like dumb jokes, and I like dumb jokes done smartly.

I'm a comedic actor, not to mix words, but it's something I think about. A comedic actor. I like to think that Christopher Guest, Phil Hartman, Peter Sellers and Alec Guinness are comedic actors. And Dan Aykroyd, too. Those are my heroes.

I would love to be a father. I had a great father who taught me how gratifying that is. I'm not going to deny myself that. I think I'd be good at it. Everybody wants that experience. I definitely do.

You just won't die, will you? Who are you? Michael f*cking Myers?

There are only two things I can't stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people's cultures... and the Dutch.

Mini-Me: "Are you a clone of an angel?"
Foxxy Cleopatra: "Oh, how sweet. No, my mini-man, I'm not."
Mini-Me: "Are you sure you don't have a little clone in you?"
Foxxy Cleopatra: "Yes I'm sure."
Mini-Me: "Would you like to?"

I don't kiss and tell. I shag and brag, baby!

Alright, let me find my balls, for God's sakes! One, two, and three, okay. I'm okay.

You're semi-evil. You're quasi-evil. You're the margarine of evil. You're the Diet Coke of evil. Just one calorie, not evil enough.

Felicity Shagwell: "Austin Powers, I presume."
Austin: "Powers by name, powers by reputation."
Felicity Shagwell: "Felicity Shagwell, CIA. Shagwell by name, shag-very-well by reputation."
Austin: "Oh, be-have."
Felicity Shagwell: "Not if I can help it."

Austin: "Who are you, baby?"
Ivana: "Ivana. Ivana Humpalot."
Austin: "Excuse me?"
Ivana: "Ivana Humpalot."
Austin: "Well, I wanna (Ivana) toilet made out of solid gold, but it's just not in the cards now is it?"

Vanessa: "Do you smoke after sex?"
Austin: "I don't know, baby, I never looked."

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my submarine lair. It's long, hard and full of seamen! No? Nothing?

I'm not saying it's hot, but I'm pretty sure the thermometer reads "Satan's Balls".

Fiona: "It talks?"
Shrek: "Yeah, but it's getting him to shut up that's the trick."

Donkey: "So where is this fire-breathin' pain in the neck, anyway?"
Shrek: "In the tower, waiting for us to rescue her."
Donkey: "I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek."

Shrek: "Ogres are like onions."
Donkey: "They stink?"
Shrek: "No. Layers. Onions have layers. Ogres have layers."

You're not that ugly. All right, you are ugly. But you're only like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24/7.

Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

"I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid…"
"What he's basically saying is he likes to get…"
"...paid!"

I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She thinks I'm a steed.

Shrek: "If I treat you so badly, then why are you still here?"
Donkey: "Because that's what friends do, they forgive each other."

I hate it when you've got someone in your face, you try to give someone a hint and they won't leave, and then there's that big awkward silence...
...Can I stay with you?

Donkey: "Whoa. Look at that. Who'd wanna live in a place like that?"
Shrek: "That would be my home."
Donkey: "Oh and it is lovely. You know, you're really quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder."

I don't know what else I could do but pretend to be an actor.

Am I a trance medium? No. Have I got a gift psychically? Absolutely not. But I believe in the survival of consciousness after death.

We have the most beautiful planet - the Rockies, the purple fields of the United States, the Lake District, the Pyrenees, the turquoise seas of the tropics.

Hygiene is important. That's one of my failings. So I'm always being called on that.

My whole thing is to entertain, make people laugh and to forget about the real world for awhile.

Dewey Riley: "Do you have a gun?"
Sidney Prescott: "I'm Sidney Prescott. Natürlich hab ich ne Waffe."

There are certain rules that one must abide by in order to successfully survive a horror movie. For instance:
1) You can never have sex. The minute you get a little nookie, you're as good as gone. Sex always equals death.
2) Never drink or do drugs. The sin factor. It's an extension of number one.
And 3) Never, ever, ever, under any circumstances, say "I'll be right back."

A truly rich man is one whose children run into his arms, when his hands are empty.

Canada also helped in two world wars and gave the world Neil Young, William Shatner, Leonard Cohen, Pamela Anderson, one quarter of Barney Stinson, instant mashed potatoes and best of all - you.

Heard your new joint, it's embarrassing, sh-t
You talk to the cops on some therapist sh-t
You act like you love this American sh-t
But, really, the truth is you scared of the Six

If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like.

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

To never be sick can't be healthy.

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

One candidate is too old and mentally unfit to be president. The other one is me.