Talking to a woman that you have already had sex with, is like changing the oil on a rental car!SexBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 14
Barney: "This is one of those things you have to do before you turn 30."
Ted: "Sleep with a prostitute?!"
Barney: "No, lose your virginity!... What up?"
Think about it, this is perfect.
a) It'll make Robin insanly jealous
b) You get to have sex with her
c) Maybe by getting to know Mary, you'll come to see that cortisens are people too
and d) B! All night long!
Barney: "Or it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter. Even better. Triple-threat: hotter and bigger boobs."
Ted: "That's only two?"
Barney: "Count again!"
I don't feel so good. It's like my testicals mixed poprocks and soda.SexTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 14
Sorry buddy, wish I could help you, but my hands are tied. Oh no wait, that was last night!HandsBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 13
Very nice, Lily. You know, she is a guest in this country. So while you may choose to turn your back on her, I choose... to turn my front on her. What up!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 11
Yes Barney, your submissions were recieved and no, we will not be attending any parties in your pants.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 11
Marshall: "If economic sanctions and trade-restrictions aren't enforced, the destruction of the rainforest will continue and over a million species will be wiped out!"
Ted: "So you don't want coffee?"
It's the greatest samurai, who lets his sword rust in its scabbard.Peace, Weapons, Swords & BladesBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 17
Ted: "What could she possibly have to say me, that she couldn't write in an email?"
Robin: "I've cut out all my fingers?"
Ted, you know who's a million times hotter than the hottest girl I've ever slept with? Her okay-looking friend I haven't seen naked. Why? Because new is always better.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 5
I thought you where vomit-free since nintythree... so that was a lie?Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 15
This is my lucky St. Paddys Day suit. I have dry-cleaned many stain out of this baby.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 12
The World is going to come to an end tonight. Yes think about it. End of the World, Nostradamus, Notre Dame, Fighting Irish, Irish, St. Patrick's Day. This is it Bro. Bro-calypse Now... Bro-Mageddon.St. Patrick's DayBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 12
Marshall: "What the hell happened?"
Barney: "I said no questions asked."
Marshall: "Star, clover, horseshoe... Barney, did you swallow real versions of all the Lucky Charms items?"
Barney: "No questions asked! Now come on. Let's hit the bar. I'm buying. I just won 50 bucks from a little Irish guy on a dare."
That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani-clad and fully awesome.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 10
Barney: "He's the awesomest, most best-lookingest, greatest guy ever!"
Lily: "He's exactly like Barney."
Barney: "That's what I just said."
Oh man, I am so excited that you're here! It has been forever since I have been around anyone even remotely fun!
[to Lily, Robin, Ted and Marshall] Huh... yes, offense!
Don't knock long-distance relationships, I really think they can work. I'm juggling four right now. There's Lisa in Madrid, there's Erica in Tokyo, there's Laura in Denmark. And Kelly on 34th street. The last thinks I'm a humble sheep-shearer from Kelani.Long-Distance RelationshipsBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 16
Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs... It's like we're the president.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 11
There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated: breast implants.BoobsBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother
Ladys and Gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's top 10 list. The category: Top 10 things i would have called my truck...
Number 10 - 'The Winne-Bango'.
Number 9 - 'The Pick-Up Truck'.
Number 8 - 'The Ford Explore Her'.
Number 7 - 'The You Scream Truck'. You Scream.
Number 6 - 'Feels on Wheels!'. Hello!
Number 5 - 'The Ride Her Truck'.
Number 4 - 'The 18-Squeeler'.
Number 3 - 'The Esca-Laid'. Ih-ih-ih!
Number 2 - 'The Slam-Boney'.
Aaand the number 1 thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back...
'The '69 Chevy'!
Airport bar! Flight attendants, they'll get your tray table in it's full upright position. Say what?AirportsBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 3
The Captain: "Guess it's just you, me, and six hours in frigid international waters."
Ted: "Or we could stay in dry land, hang out with some witnesses?"
Barney: "Her butt?"
Marshall: "What is it, too much?"
Lily: "Too low?"
Robin: "Or ist it an issue of access?"
Woman: "How can you not remember my name? it rhymes with your name?"
Barney: "And I said my name was...?"
Here's the thing about me and tools: The only one I know how to use, is attached to me. And I'm not gonna try putting it in a TV... again.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 19
Anything sounds weird, if you say it a undred times. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl...Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 3
She had a nice face, her booty was in place, but Barney don't chase.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 17
Player play on - high V!Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 16
There is one difference between you and me: I'm not saying any of this to get in your pants.How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 16
February 13th. A magical night, where a ten has the self esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two.Valentine's DayBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 16
Desperation Day has come and gone and you have neither gone nor come.Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 16
I'd say hump her brain out, but somebody obviously already has.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 15
I like my testicles attached to my body, rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 3
There are so many great things to do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking?Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 6
One of the 24 similarities between women and fish are they're both attracted to shiny objects.Macho-Jokes, FishBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother
I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I don't speak "I-never-get-laid".Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 21
There is a 83% correlation between times when men are wearing a boutonniere and when they are getting laid... proms, weddings, funerals... thanks for the redhead, grandma! By the way, did you know that "boutonniere" is french for "booty is near"?Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 9
She really had a fat but: her fat butt!Puns, Fat PeopleBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 4
When those things swell up to three times their normal size, so do I.
You lie to your husband all the time...
"That shirt looks great on you."
"I love your mom."
"I never fantasize about Barney when we're doing it."
Sound familiar, Pinocchio?
Lily: "Anytime a single guy hangs out with a married woman there are rules that must be followed: Rule number one..."
Barney: "Don't use the husband's condoms, that's just rude!"
Lily: "I'm pregnant."
Barney: "I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry - force of habit, congratulations!"
Oh my god, you have a monocle! Is this real? Is this really happening? Good luck killing James Bond!Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 8
Marshall: "You're really telling me, that when you watch 'The Karate Kid', you don't root for Daniel-san?"
Ted: "Who do you root for in 'Die Hard'?"
Barney: "Hans Gruber. Charming international bandit. At the end, he died hard. He's the title character."
Lily: "Okay, 'The Breakfast Club'?"
Barney: "The teacher running detention. He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit."
Robin: "I got one. 'Terminator'."
Barney: "What's the name of the movie, Robin? Who among us didn't shed a tear when his little red eye went out at the end, and he didn't get to kill these people?"
Never buy a girl flowers, 'cause giving her a living thing reminds her of babies.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother
He has got to go. You need to be like:
You are the weakest link goodbye!
Punchy, the tribe has spoken.
Please pack up your knives and go.
Your work of art, didn't work for me.
You're times up.
I have to ask you to leave the mansion.
You must leave the chateau.
Your tour ends here.
You've been chopped!
You've been evicted from the Big Brother house.
Your desert just didn't measure up.
Give me your jacket and leave Hell's kitchen!
You did not get a rose.
You have been eliminated from the race.
You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model.
Give it a week, you'll get her back. And her front.
Oh! Did you feel that? I think we just had a "what up?"-quake!