Anything sounds weird, if you say it a undred times. Bowl. Bowl. Bowl...0
I am not 'with' Nora. Wrong Preposition! Later tonight I'm hoping to be 'on' Nora, right? Or 'under' Nora. Am I right? Or, we're all adults, so I'll just say it: 'behind' Nora.Sex0
If I got serious with Nora, it would be like if Mother Teresa focused all her attention on one really hot orphan. With great penis comes great responsibility.0
Sex now, we'll do the foreplay after.Sex0
She had a nice face, her booty was in place, but Barney don't chase.0
There is one difference between you and me: I'm not saying any of this to get in your pants.0
February 13th. A magical night, where a ten has the self esteem of a four and the depraved enthusiasm of a two.0
So that's it? A couple of white Urkels offer you sausages and you're gone?0
Desperation Day has come and gone and you have neither gone nor come.0
I'd say hump her brain out, but somebody obviously already has.0
I like my testicles attached to my body, rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner in Robin's purse. Stinson out!0
There are so many great things to do with the human mouth, why waste it on talking?0
You know what they say about relationships. Every waking moment's a battle.Relationships0
Since I stopped dating Robin, there's this thing I haven't used as much as I would like. It's kind of big. Surprisingly heavy. Kind of leathery. And it's black.
This, my friends, is the playbook!
Ted: 'You're like Mary Poppins, if her magic purse was also filled with drugs.'
Robin: 'If? Ted, the kids in that movie jumped into a painting and spent 15 minutes chasing a cartoon fox. Spoonful of sugar? Grow Up!'
Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It's like the universe was saying: 'Hey Barney, there's this dude, he's pretty cool, but it's your job to make him awesome.'0
One of the 24 similarities between women and fish are they're both attracted to shiny objects.Women0
I'm sorry, can you repeat that? I don't speak 'I-never-get-laid'.0
There is a 83% correlation between times when men are wearing a boutonniere and when they are getting laid... proms, weddings, funerals... thanks for the redhead, grandma! By the way, did you know that 'boutonniere' is french for 'booty is near'?0
She really had a fat but: her fat butt!Puns0
When those things swell up to three times their normal size, so do I.
You lie to your husband all the time...
'That shirt looks great on you.',
'I love your mom.',
'I never fantasize about Barney when we're doing it.'
Sound familiar, Pinocchio?
Lily: 'Anytime a single guy hangs out with a married woman there are rules that must be followed: Rule number one...'
Barney: 'Don't use the husband's condoms, that's just rude!'
Lily: 'I'm pregnant.'
Barney: 'I've never seen that woman before in my life! Sorry - force of habit, congratulations!'
I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over thirty's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.0
Kids, you may think your only choices are to swallow your anger or throw it in someone's face, but there's a third option: You can just let it go, and only when you do that is it really gone and you can move forward.Breakup & Lovesick, Comforting0
Oh my god, you have a monocle! Is this real? Is this really happening? Good luck killing James Bond!0
Marshall: 'You're really telling me, that when you watch 'The Karate Kid', you don't root for Daniel-san?'
Ted: 'Who do you root for in 'Die Hard'?'
Barney: 'Hans Gruber. Charming international bandit. At the end, he died hard. He's the title character.'
Lily: 'Okay, 'The Breakfast Club'?'
Barney: 'The teacher running detention. He's the only guy in the whole movie wearing a suit.'
Robin: 'I got one. 'Terminator'.'
Barney: 'What's the name of the movie, Robin? Who among us didn't shed a tear when his little red eye went out at the end, and he didn't get to kill these people?'
Never buy a girl flowers, 'cause giving her a living thing reminds her of babies.0
God. It's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me. Awesome!0
Barney: 'Check it out, I made a little game.'
Lottery Girl: 'And tonight's lotto numbers are: 19...'
Barney: '...age you moved to New York after a photographer 'discovered' you at a food court and said he would get you into Vogue Magazine.'
Lotto Girl: '53...'
Barney: '...number of semi-nude pictures he took of you before you realized he had no connection to Vogue Magazine.'
Lotto Girl: '22...'
Barney: '...age you claim you are.'
Lotto Girl: '31...'
Barney: '...age you actually are.'
Lotto Girl: '45...'
Barney: '...number of minutes it would take me to get you into a cab, out of your dress and into my Jacuzzi.'
Lotto Girl: 'And tonight's Super Big Ball is...'
Barney: '...what happens after we get out of the Jacuzzi. What Up?!'
Barney, check it! Three blond babies drinking bad-decision-juice at eight o'clock.0
Ted: 'Where does this girl live?'
Robin: 'We're talking about a woman who's gotten Barney to commit. I'm guessing Narnia.'
He has got to go. You need to be like:
You are the weakest link goodbye!
Punchy, the tribe has spoken.
Please pack up your knives and go.
Your work of art, didn't work for me.
You're times up.
I have to ask you to leave the mansion.
You must leave the chateau.
Your tour ends here.
You've been chopped!
You've been evicted from the Big Brother house.
Your desert just didn't measure up.
Give me your jacket and leave Hell's kitchen!
You did not get a rose.
You have been eliminated from the race.
You are no longer in the running to be America's Next Top Model.
Sometimes, even when you know something's a mistake, you gotta make it anyway.Failures, Fate / Destiny0
Give it a week, you'll get her back. And her front.
Oh! Did you feel that? I think we just had a 'what up?'-quake!
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.Lies0
Barney: 'I only smoke in certain situations. Postcoital, when I'm with Germans, sometimes those two overlap, coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, precoital, on a sailboat, the day the Mets are mathematically eliminated every year and pregnancy scares.'
Ted: 'Why are you smoking right now?'
Barney: 'I'm always precoital, Ted.'
Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.Sex0
Nerds who aren't good at math?
Life is going to be rough boys!
Ted: 'She was 15?!'
Barney: 'No. A 15. Like in blackjack.'
Ted: 'As in.. not sure whether you'd hit it?'
Ted, the only reason to wait a month for sex is if the girl is 17 years and 11 months old.Sex0
Female acrobats from Montreal, super flexible...
We´re gonna get Cirque du so-laid!
Think of me as Yoda - only, instead of being little and green, I wear suits and I'm awesome. I'm your bro. I'm Broda.0
It's going to be legen...
wait for it - and I hope you're not lactose-intolerant cause the second half of that word is