The best Quotes from How I Met Your Mother (Page 8)

Marshall: "Where is your playbook?"
Robin: "My playbook? Bro, uh, two-volume set, right here.
Ted: "It's a great read, actually."
Lily: "Yeah, I'm reading it right now."

I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile in the other, that would make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but: thanks for your concern, rook!

It could be for a brother or maybe her sick dad.
[reads] "And then I want you to do me on the couch."
Okay, maybe not a sick dad. Or a very sick dad, am I right?

I've got to find a way to introduce some wood into Bilson's dark atrium. I think you know what I meant.

Karen: "I'm sure all the exploited diamond miners in Sierra Leone would give you a high-five if they still had all their fingers. But really pretty - meet me upstairs!"
Robin: "They only need one finger to give her what I'm thinking."

One minute we're just laying into each other, and then the next minute... well, same thing.

Lily: "I am gonna have to walk this earth, knowing Barney has touched my boobs."
Robin: "Yeah it stays with ya. His e-mail reminders don't help."

Enjoy your mai-tai, because soon you will be wearing my tie!

Marshall: "Let the dinnertainment begin!"
Barney: "That reminds me there's this other restaurant we should try sometime. What they do is, they cook you a meal, in a little room called a 'kitchen'."

Ted: "Robin and I already had our backslide. Last Thanksgiving, not even that long ago."
Stella: "Did you place a large bet against yourself?"

Stella's sister: "I'm a vegan. I wish I could tune out that moral voice inside me, that says eating animals is murder. But I guess I'm just not as strong as you are."
Ted: "That's 'cause you need protein. I'll have the lamb."

Every year, there are a million new, hot 22-year-olds walking into bars and call me "glass-half-full"... but I think they're getting dumber.

Ted, no! You never break up a girl fight! Never!

My arm hasn't been this sore, since I was 13 years old and figured out how to lock a bathroom.

Marshall: "The tiniest little burger joint you ever saw. Tucked between a taxidermist and a XXX bookstore."
Barney: "Name two places where things get stuffed."

Stella: "Ted, you're staring at my breasts."
Ted: "In fairness... they were staring at me."

This is New York City, don't get close to the neighbours. You nod at them politely in the hall, you call the cops if you haven't seen them in a while and you smell something funny and that's it!

Marshall: "Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi Bears, ginger snap... this is a grocery list!"
Robin: "For who? A witch building a house in the forest?"
Marshall: "Sugar helps me study."
Barney: "This is like the shopping a ten-year-old does when his parents leave him alone for the weekend."
Lily: "What parent leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?"
Barney: "And your mom was perfect."

Brother, you're driving the "I-wanna-have-sex-with-her-truck" and its got a huge blind spot.

I appreciate your help, but there's a reason your name is "Robin", not "Batman".

Barney: "I met a girl last night. So perky and full of life and not at all fake."
Ted: "You're talking about her boobs, right?"
Barney: "Si. And that wasn't Spanish, that was cup size. What up?!"

Marshall: "Neither of you guys has any game, right? Or else you'd be married. Like me. If dating is the game, then marriage is winning the game."
Ted: "Yeah, if you're playing in the women's league!"

Where some choose to look at this bra half-empty, I choose to look at this bra half-full.

You wanna know what line doesn't work on a harp player? "Hey baby, wanna pluck?"

I guess, if we're splitting hairs, then technically... there was a plurality to the times I've lied to women for sex-having-purposes.

Ted: "All my friends from high-school, they're here with their wifes or kids. My date for the night is a sticky magazine..."
Robin: "Sounds like high-school all over again!"

Marshall really took a two-flusher on that one!

Ted, your throwing your life away. This girl is blinding you with her shiny hair and her boob-shaped boobs!

Ted: "I thought you said you got rid of everything your ex-boyfriends gave you?"
Robin: "Well yeah, but not my dogs."
Ted: "You said everything."
Robin: "But not living things."
Ted: "Tell that to the rare bolivian cactus i threw away!"

I'll help you study. We're gonna stay up all night long. I'm gonna drill you and then we're gonna study. No, seriously. We're gonna do some cramming and then we're gonna study. No, seriously. We're gonna bone up on...

Freeways have exits, so do relationships. The first exit, my personal favourite, is six hours in: You meet, you talk, you have sex, you exit when she's in the shower.

Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.

Lily: "That's Dirty Dancing!"
Ted: "It was on last night."
Marshall: "No, it was two nights ago. 'She's Like the Wind' has been stuck in my brain for about 40 hours. I just got it out; now it's back in. Damn you, Swayze!"

Ted: "[to Marshall, lying next to him] Marshall, are you still thinking about Lily?"
Marshall: "Yeah."
Ted: "Please stop!"

There's kids playing hockey in the back. It's like you want us to make fun of you!

If one of the Vancouver Canucks walked in here, my panties would drop so hard, there would be a hole in the floor halfway to China.

Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma-Girl-Free-For-All. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and soar abdominals the next morning. What in the world is up!

Well, Amanda is going to make Lily a cake, she's a chef! We met when I was at a restaurant last week and I sent some soup back. Luckily she's got such pretty hair I didn't mind eating a little bit of it.

Have you been arrested in a mall?
Dumped in a mall?
Turned out you're Canadian in a mall?

Woman: "You know this isn't Vegas, right?"
Robin: "Well sure, in Vegas the casinos pump in oxygen, in Atlantic City it looks like everyone brought their own."

Lily: "We're going to Atlantic City to elope - right now!"
Barney: "Oh, congratulations Lily! Marshall, you're getting married? What the hell?"

I'm a genetic goldmine! No family history of diabetes or heart disease, everyone has non-porous teeth and perfect eyesight. I had one schizophrenic uncle, but even he had perfect vision. Which was unfortunate for the people around the bell tower he was in.

Stacey, six kids in five years! The woman's basically a ride to the waterpark.

Barney: "Ted, it's a well-known statistic, that 83% of people, married longer than 6 months, are saving someone on the side."
Ted: "Do you know that when you make up a statistic, you always use 83% ?"

Whats your prescription, Dr. Estrogen? Eat Haagen-Dazs and watch "Love... actually" until your periods sync up?

Because were baseball, strippers and guns can't help, the only thing that can really heal a broken heart, is time.

Know what time it is? It's do-o-clock, lets ride!

"Crutch down and bend over a little bit."
Barney: "Wow, It took five shots of tequila to have you in that position."

Ted: "What do you say?"
Robin: "Yes! No! I don't know..."
Ted: "Those are the three options."

Lily: "Swear on the lifes of your unborn boy and girl!"
Ted: "I swear... on Luke and Leia!"