I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile in the other, that would make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but: thanks for your concern, rook!RelationshipsMarshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 6
It could be for a brother or maybe her sick dad.
[reads] "And then I want you to do me on the couch."
Okay, maybe not a sick dad. Or a very sick dad, am I right?
I've got to find a way to introduce some wood into Bilson's dark atrium. I think you know what I meant.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 18
Karen: "I'm sure all the exploited diamond miners in Sierra Leone would give you a high-five if they still had all their fingers. But really pretty - meet me upstairs!"
Robin: "They only need one finger to give her what I'm thinking."
One minute we're just laying into each other, and then the next minute... well, same thing.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 12
Lily: "I am gonna have to walk this earth, knowing Barney has touched my boobs."
Robin: "Yeah it stays with ya. His e-mail reminders don't help."
Enjoy your mai-tai, because soon you will be wearing my tie!Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 3
Marshall: "Let the dinnertainment begin!"
Barney: "That reminds me there's this other restaurant we should try sometime. What they do is, they cook you a meal, in a little room called a 'kitchen'."
Ted: "Robin and I already had our backslide. Last Thanksgiving, not even that long ago."
Stella: "Did you place a large bet against yourself?"
Stella's sister: "I'm a vegan. I wish I could tune out that moral voice inside me, that says eating animals is murder. But I guess I'm just not as strong as you are."
Ted: "That's 'cause you need protein. I'll have the lamb."
Every year, there are a million new, hot 22-year-olds walking into bars and call me "glass-half-full"... but I think they're getting dumber.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 4
Ted, no! You never break up a girl fight! Never!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 4
My arm hasn't been this sore, since I was 13 years old and figured out how to lock a bathroom.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 3
Marshall: "The tiniest little burger joint you ever saw. Tucked between a taxidermist and a XXX bookstore."
Barney: "Name two places where things get stuffed."
Stella: "Ted, you're staring at my breasts."
Ted: "In fairness... they were staring at me."
This is New York City, don't get close to the neighbours. You nod at them politely in the hall, you call the cops if you haven't seen them in a while and you smell something funny and that's it!New York City, NeighborsTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 11
Marshall: "Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi Bears, ginger snap... this is a grocery list!"
Robin: "For who? A witch building a house in the forest?"
Marshall: "Sugar helps me study."
Barney: "This is like the shopping a ten-year-old does when his parents leave him alone for the weekend."
Lily: "What parent leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?"
Barney: "And your mom was perfect."
Brother, you're driving the "I-wanna-have-sex-with-her-truck" and its got a huge blind spot.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 8
I appreciate your help, but there's a reason your name is "Robin", not "Batman".Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 7
Barney: "I met a girl last night. So perky and full of life and not at all fake."
Ted: "You're talking about her boobs, right?"
Barney: "Si. And that wasn't Spanish, that was cup size. What up?!"
Marshall: "Neither of you guys has any game, right? Or else you'd be married. Like me. If dating is the game, then marriage is winning the game."
Ted: "Yeah, if you're playing in the women's league!"
Where some choose to look at this bra half-empty, I choose to look at this bra half-full.BoobsBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 1
You wanna know what line doesn't work on a harp player? "Hey baby, wanna pluck?"Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 21
I guess, if we're splitting hairs, then technically... there was a plurality to the times I've lied to women for sex-having-purposes.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 2
Ted: "All my friends from high-school, they're here with their wifes or kids. My date for the night is a sticky magazine..."
Robin: "Sounds like high-school all over again!"
Marshall really took a two-flusher on that one!Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 1
Ted, your throwing your life away. This girl is blinding you with her shiny hair and her boob-shaped boobs!BoobsBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 18
Ted: "I thought you said you got rid of everything your ex-boyfriends gave you?"
Robin: "Well yeah, but not my dogs."
Ted: "You said everything."
Robin: "But not living things."
Ted: "Tell that to the rare bolivian cactus i threw away!"
I'll help you study. We're gonna stay up all night long. I'm gonna drill you and then we're gonna study. No, seriously. We're gonna do some cramming and then we're gonna study. No, seriously. We're gonna bone up on...Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 5
Freeways have exits, so do relationships. The first exit, my personal favourite, is six hours in: You meet, you talk, you have sex, you exit when she's in the shower.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 12
Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.SexBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 12
Lily: "That's Dirty Dancing!"
Ted: "It was on last night."
Marshall: "No, it was two nights ago. 'She's Like the Wind' has been stuck in my brain for about 40 hours. I just got it out; now it's back in. Damn you, Swayze!"
Ted: "[to Marshall, lying next to him] Marshall, are you still thinking about Lily?"
Ted: "Please stop!"
Stella hated Star Wars! She lied to you. Search your feelings, Ted. You know it to be true!Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 6
There's kids playing hockey in the back. It's like you want us to make fun of you!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother
If one of the Vancouver Canucks walked in here, my panties would drop so hard, there would be a hole in the floor halfway to China.Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 14
Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma-Girl-Free-For-All. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and soar abdominals the next morning. What in the world is up!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 16
Well, Amanda is going to make Lily a cake, she's a chef! We met when I was at a restaurant last week and I sent some soup back. Luckily she's got such pretty hair I didn't mind eating a little bit of it.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 18
Have you been arrested in a mall?
Dumped in a mall?
Turned out you're Canadian in a mall?
Woman: "You know this isn't Vegas, right?"
Robin: "Well sure, in Vegas the casinos pump in oxygen, in Atlantic City it looks like everyone brought their own."
Lily: "We're going to Atlantic City to elope - right now!"
Barney: "Oh, congratulations Lily! Marshall, you're getting married? What the hell?"
I'm a genetic goldmine! No family history of diabetes or heart disease, everyone has non-porous teeth and perfect eyesight. I had one schizophrenic uncle, but even he had perfect vision. Which was unfortunate for the people around the bell tower he was in.Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 3
Stacey, six kids in five years! The woman's basically a ride to the waterpark.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 3
Barney: "Ted, it's a well-known statistic, that 83% of people, married longer than 6 months, are saving someone on the side."
Ted: "Do you know that when you make up a statistic, you always use 83% ?"
Whats your prescription, Dr. Estrogen? Eat Haagen-Dazs and watch "Love... actually" until your periods sync up?Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 1
Because were baseball, strippers and guns can't help, the only thing that can really heal a broken heart, is time.Heart, BreakupTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 1
Know what time it is? It's do-o-clock, lets ride!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 10
"Crutch down and bend over a little bit."
Barney: "Wow, It took five shots of tequila to have you in that position."
Ted: "What do you say?"
Robin: "Yes! No! I don't know..."
Ted: "Those are the three options."