When I rode home the next morning, the city looked the same. The people looked the same. It all looked the same. But it wasn't. In just one night, everything had changed.ChangeTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 22
'Crutch down and bend over a little bit.'
Barney: 'Wow, It took five shots of tequila to have you in that position.'
Ted: 'What do you say?'
Robin: 'Yes! No! I don't know...'
Ted: 'Those are the three options.'
Lily: 'Swear on the lifes of your unborn boy and girl!'
Ted: 'I swear on Luke and Leia!'
Ted: 'Do you have a cold?'
Barney: 'I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out.'
Talking to a woman that you have already had sex with, is like changing the oil on a rental car!SexBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 14
Lily: 'It's nine weeks 'til the wedding, at this point, I'd say yes to just about anything.'
Lily: 'No, Barney.'
Lily: 'Your job is very simple. At the wedding, do not sleep with anyone even remotely related to me.'
Barney: 'Yeah. Lily, you know I can't promise that'
Lily: 'I can't believe I unloaded like that on a high-school senior.'
Robin: 'I can't believe a high-scool senior unloaded like that on me.'
Barney: 'This is one of those things you have to do before you turn 30.'
Ted: 'Sleep with a prostitute?!'
Barney: 'No, lose your virginity!... What up?'
Think about it, this is perfect.
a) It'll make Robin insanly jealous
b) You get to have sex with her
c) Maybe by getting to know Mary, you'll come to see that cortisens are people too
and d) B! All night long!
Barney: 'Or it's a chance to mess with her head by showing up with someone hotter. Even better. Triple-threat: hotter and bigger boobs.'
Ted: 'That's only two?'
Barney: 'Count again!'
The beauty of a moment, is that it's fleeting.Moment & PresentTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 14
I don't feel so good. It's like my testicals mixed poprocks and soda.SexTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 14
When you meet someone special, suddenly life is full of firsts: The first kiss, the first night together, the first weekend together.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 14
Sorry buddy, wish I could help you, but my hands are tied. Oh no wait, that was last night!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 13
Ted: 'You're not gonna do it at your wedding?'
Lily: 'Hell, yeah! I'm gonna take that flower-grenade and chuck it to the crowd and scream, 'Crawl for it, bitches!''
A drum roll?! That's it? So what, you just said good night, came home and... performed a drum solo?Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 13
Barney: 'Wow, Ted. You're gonna have to find a new member for yourself, cause I'm revoking your dude-membership.'
Ted: 'Yeah, how was that manicure yesterday?'
Barney: 'Invigorating... thanks.'
Marshall: 'Yes, i want a ball-room and I want a band and I want shoes. I've been dreaming about this day since I was... like...
Lily: '...a little girl?'
Very nice, Lily. You know, she is a guest in this country. So while you may choose to turn your back on her, I choose... to turn my front on her. What up!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 11
Yes Barney, your submissions were recieved and no, we will not be attending any parties in your pants.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 11
Marshall: 'If economic sanctions and trade-restrictions aren't enforced, the destruction of the rainforest will continue and over a million species will be wiped out!'
Ted: 'So you don't want coffee?'
It's the greatest samurai, who lets his sword rust in its scabbard.Peace, Gun-Control, Intelligence, SwordsBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 17
Ted: 'What could she possibly have to say me, that she couldn't write in an email?'
Robin: 'I've cut out all my fingers?'
Ted, you know who's a million times hotter than the hottest girl I've ever slept with? Her okay-looking friend I haven't seen naked. Why? Because new is always better.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 5
I thought you where vomit-free since nintythree... so that was a lie?Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 15
Sorry Peter, we're grown-ups now, we can't fly to Netherland with you anymore.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 12
This is my lucky St. Paddys Day suit. I have dry-cleaned many stain out of this baby.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 12
The World is going to come to an end tonight. Yes think about it. End of the World, Nostradamus, Notre Dame, Fighting Irish, Irish, St. Patrick's Day. This is it Bro. Bro-calypse Now... Bro-Mageddon.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 12
There's three rules of cheating:
1st: It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married.
2nd: It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels.
3rd: And it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.
That was the night I was born. I rose like a phoenix from her mentholated bosom and strode into the world, Armani-clad and fully awesome.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 10
Barney: 'He's the awesomest, most best-lookingest, greatest guy ever!'
Lily: 'He's exactly like Barney.'
Barney: 'That's what I just said.'
Oh man, I am so excited that you're here! It has been forever since I have been around anyone even remotely fun!
[to Lily, Robin, Ted and Marshall] Huh... yes, offense!
Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met your mother.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 1
I didn't give up on my dream house, because that's the thing about stupid decisions - we all make them, but time is funny and sometimes a little magical. It can take a stupid decision, and turn it into something else entirely.Decisions, TimeTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 20
Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.College, Long-Distance RelationshipsTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 16
Don't knock long-distance relationships, I really think they can work. I'm juggling four right now. There's Lisa in Madrid, there's Erica in Tokyo, there's Laura in Denmark. And Kelly on 34th street. The last thinks I'm a humble sheep-shearer from Kelani.Long-Distance RelationshipsBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 16
Look at us, riding around in a limo, eating hot dogs... It's like we're the president.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 11
How to run a marathon: Step one, you start running. There is no step two.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 15
There are only two reasons to date a girl you've already dated: breast implants.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother
Ladys and Gentlemen, I have in my hand a copy of tonight's top 10 list. The category: Top 10 things i would have called my truck...
Number 10 - 'The Winne-Bango'.
Number 9 - 'The Pick-Up Truck'.
Number 8 - 'The Ford Explore Her'.
Number 7 - 'The You Scream Truck'. You Scream.
Number 6 - 'Feels on Wheels!'. Hello!
Number 5 - 'The Ride Her Truck'.
Number 4 - 'The 18-Squeeler'.
Number 3 - 'The Esca-Laid'. Ih-ih-ih!
Number 2 - 'The Slam-Boney'.
Aaand the number 1 thing I would've called my truck if Ted hadn't been a jerk and given it back...
'The '69 Chevy'!
Every Halloween I bring a spare costume. In case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.HalloweenBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 6
Airport bar! Flight attendants, they'll get your tray table in it's full upright position. Say what?Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 3
I mean she just walked out. At least when I walk out on a girl I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first. It's called manners!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 17
The Captain: 'Guess it's just you, me, and six hours in frigid international waters.'
Ted: 'Or we could stay in dry land, hang out with some witnesses?'
Barney: 'Her butt?'
Marshall: 'What is it, too much?'
Lily: 'Too low?'
Robin: 'Or ist it an issue of access?'
Woman: 'How can you not remember my name? it rhymes with your name?'
Barney: 'And I said my name was...?'
Ted: 'That beer looks a little flat.'
Robin: 'Yeah.. it's scotch.'