The best Quotes from How I Met Your Mother (Page 7)

Judging from how many clients that hooker has serviced, I'd say we've been here almost an hour.

Ted: "Cleveland sports are still relevant! 'LeBron who?' Right, guys?"
Barney: "Ted, neither you, nor Cleveland knows how to get over someone leaving them."

Ted: "Those Robin's boobies?"
Barney: "When new nubile hotties lean in to inspect your bundle of joy, you can inspect their bundles of joy. The Broller. God, I come up with a lot of good stuff!"

Ted: "You know, as your best friend, if called upon, I'd be honored to raise Marvin."
Robin: "If you want him to be raised by his underwear on a flagpole, Ted's your guy. If you want him pulling the chord on some other nerd's panties, I'm your guy."
Barney: "I'll teach that kid how to be awesome in ways you and Lily never could. It's going to be legend- wait for it... no, I won't wait for it and neither should little baby Marvin, so maybe it's better if you two just die right now... -dary!"

It is so nice to be out in the fresh air. You smell that? That's the smell of urine that isn't Marvin's.

Quinn: "I have to pay $2,000 every time I gain a pound?"
Barney: "Not every time. Just if it shows up at the weekly weigh-in."

Ted: "When you leave someone at the altar, you always leave a note. It's common courtesy."
Victoria: "I think common courtesy went out the window when I did."

Hey, it's me again. Look, who are we kidding? You and I are both attracted to each other. We're young, we're drunk, half of us anyway. And we only get one life, so why don't you come over to my apartment and we'll think of something stupid to do together?

Let's hit a motel, jam in a quickie and get you back to your wedding.

If we miss Hawaii because of this, guess who's not doing "The Disappearing Salami" anytime soon?

Kids, sometimes the universe sends exactly what you ask for. Other times... it sends Lily's dad.

The baby slide right out, huh? It's like a 'whoosh', like a waterslide. [Lily screaming] Slightly painful waterslide.

If you don't push, I will shove that baby up your throat and pull it out of your mouth!

Baby, can we grow sandwiches behind the garage?

Looks like somebody suffered from premature slapulation.

I think my soul just threw up a little bit.

When Barney overhears that Ted and Robin have a secret to reveal at the wedding reception, he begins to guess what it might be.

Barney: "I'm dating a stripper."
Ted: "Yes, I've seen your bus ad."

Marshall: "All pregnant ladies have crazy sex dreams. It's just her hormones going berserk."
Barney: "So who's responsible for her rapid thigh movement this time?"
Ted: "Oh, my favorite was when she banged George Washington."
Barney: "I liked the three-way with Bill Cosby and Papa Smurf."
Ted: "Oh, he smurfed the smurf out of her."
Marshall: "Yes, while The Cos smurfed off in the corner - we all remember."

Ted: "Every three years we sit down and Tril' it up big time, agreed?"
Marshall: "Agreed-o!"

Usually after a sandwich, I feel paranoid, but I'm not. WHY AM I NOT BEING PARANOID??

Kevin: "Well, it's a close one. Lily made 14 awkward references to marriage and Marshall made an even 60."
Robin: "I'm so sorry, Kevin."
Kevin: "It's okay. I'm gonna go to bed, but you guys think tomorrow we can stop with all the marriage talk?"
Lily: "I do."
Marshall: "I do."
Kevin: "That's a half a point each."

Ted: "You know Robin? Been thinking about it. Guess it's kind of nice you're such a bad-ass."
Robin: "It's pretty bad-ass you're so nice, Ted."

Robin: "She was gonna get the last kugel."
Ted: "She was 90 years old. It was probably gonna be her last kugel."

Robin: "Sometimes in life you have to be assertive and stand up for yourself."
Ted: "You called her a whore!"
Robin: "Who wears that much make up?"
Ted: "Old ladies!"
Robin: "Who take money for sex, exactly!"

Lily, I think we made a mistake moving out to the suburbs. I miss our home. I miss our booth with our friends. And I'm pretty sure I have a drumstick... somewhere bad.

Robin: "I wouldn't go to Cleveland for 125 million dollars, paid over six years."
Ted: "Still with the LeBron jokes? Where's that ring he's supposed to have by now?"

Lily, you just gave those children a stapler, a pair of sharp scissors and a pretty decent Pinot Noir.

The Pork Authority is closed. Looks like it's Hand Central Station for you little buddy.

He let me have her. I have to say, it was pretty noble of him. He fell on his sword so that she could fall on mine.

Too many crazies had my old number, so now I'm all about disposable cell phones. I'll use one for a while, have my fun, then dump it and get a new one. And then I'll do the same with my phone.

Zoey: "Don't worry Ted, she's cute."
Barney: "'Cute' means 'fat'!"
Zoey: "She's not fat."
Barney: "'Not fat' means 'ugly'."

Ted: "I just thought he needed to listen to common sense and reasonable discourse."
Robin: "Oh, God. Tell me those aren't the names of your fists."
Ted: "They're my feet. I'm actually more of a kicker."

Lily: "How did you do it?"
Barney: "Oh God, you found one of the cameras. I swear that's the only one! Wait, which one did you find?"

Ted: "Robin, this show is so dirty, I don't know whether to hug you, or run a shower for you, so you can sit there alone, crying and clenching your knees."
Robin: "It's just bad camera work, okay? Wayne, our camera guy - he wasn't that great."
Marshall: "I don't know. I think he did a pretty good job, considering he was probably only using one hand."

I didn't realize you were small potatoes. And to be clear, I am referring to your testicles.

Barney: "Looks like that bee got busy."
Ted: "Looks like that French maid didn't turn down somebody's bed."
Marshall: "Oh, looks like Pocahontas has a couple of wounded knees."

Hey, want to come to my house and play telephone? I got the string, you got the cans.

Barney: "Whoa, Ted, that thing you're packing is way too big to fit in that box."
Ted: "Yeah, that's what your mom said."
Barney: "How dare you?"
Ted: "No, she actually said that."

14 seconds! And already some dingdong is stepping up, thinking he can get some of this broke off.

What you're doing right now. I'm getting a de-rection!

Nobody takes an intro class to get on any other path, but the path to not being hungover anymore. I learned that in my intro to something-ology class.

Ted: "Trying to get them interested in architecture as a career."
Barney: "Why? Are we running out of buildings?"
Robin: "Are we running out of boring people?"

Robin, if you asked a hundred people: "Who's the worst person you could possibly date?" They'd all say "your therapist", except the ones saying "Barney".

Career has been trouncing romance for years. It's like the Globetrotters versus the Generals: Career's sinking hook shots from half court, romance is just a bunch of slow white guys, who couldn't make it in the Italian league.

Clint: "Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman."
Ted: "Please don't."

Ted: "I made a bid online, I won the auction the next day and I got approval. I just finalized the paperwork."
Barney: "And was the Blair Witch easy to deal with, or did she haggle over the closing costs?"

Ted: "You always kept your toothbrush in the bedroom. Also weird, by the way."
Lily: "No. We kept it in the bathroom."
Ted: "No, there was only one toothbrush in the bathroom, and it was mine..."

We've always been a trio! We're right up there with Batman and Robin and Alfred. Romeo and Juliet and the apothecary. Salt and pepper and cumin.

Marshall: "Where is your playbook?"
Robin: "My playbook? Bro, uh, two-volume set, right here.
Ted: "It's a great read, actually."
Lily: "Yeah, I'm reading it right now."