The best Quotes from How I Met Your Mother (Page 7)

How I Met Your Mother is a US tv-series. The quotes from the main characters Ted Mosby, Barney Stinson, Robin Scherbatsky, Lily Aldrin and Marshall Eriksen make the series legendary.

Right now, the ninth season of How I Met Your Mother is running on CBS.

The best Quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Judging from how many clients that hooker has serviced, I'd say we've been here almost an hour.

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 14
 
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Ted: "Cleveland sports are still relevant! 'LeBron who?' Right, guys?"
Barney: "Ted, neither you, nor Cleveland knows how to get over someone leaving them."

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 4
 
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Ted: "Those Robin's boobies?"
Barney: "When new nubile hotties lean in to inspect your bundle of joy, you can inspect their bundles of joy. The Broller. God, I come up with a lot of good stuff!"

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 4
 
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Ted: "You know, as your best friend, if called upon, I'd be honored to raise Marvin."
Robin: "If you want him to be raised by his underwear on a flagpole, Ted's your guy. If you want him pulling the chord on some other nerd's panties, I'm your guy."
Barney: "I'll teach that kid how to be awesome in ways you and Lily never could. It's going to be legend- wait for it... no, I won't wait for it and neither should little baby Marvin, so maybe it's better if you two just die right now... -dary!"

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 4
 
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It is so nice to be out in the fresh air. You smell that? That's the smell of urine that isn't Marvin's.

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 4
 
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Quinn: "I have to pay $2,000 every time I gain a pound?"
Barney: "Not every time. Just if it shows up at the weekly weigh-in."

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 2
 
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Ted: "When you leave someone at the altar, you always leave a note. It's common courtesy."
Victoria: "I think common courtesy went out the window when I did."

Victoria in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 1
 
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Hey, it's me again. Look, who are we kidding? You and I are both attracted to each other. We're young, we're drunk, half of us anyway. And we only get one life, so why don't you come over to my apartment and we'll think of something stupid to do together?

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 10
 
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Let's hit a motel, jam in a quickie and get you back to your wedding.

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 24
 
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If we miss Hawaii because of this, guess who's not doing "The Disappearing Salami" anytime soon?

Quinn Garvey in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 24
 
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Kids, sometimes the universe sends exactly what you ask for. Other times... it sends Lily's dad.

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 23
 
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The baby slide right out, huh? It's like a 'whoosh', like a waterslide. [Lily screaming] Slightly painful waterslide.

Dr. Sonya in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 23
 
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If you don't push, I will shove that baby up your throat and pull it out of your mouth!

Dr. Sonya in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 23
 
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Baby, can we grow sandwiches behind the garage?

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 5
 
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Looks like somebody suffered from premature slapulation.

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 9
 
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I think my soul just threw up a little bit.

Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 10
 
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When Barney overhears that Ted and Robin have a secret to reveal at the wedding reception, he begins to guess what it might be.

Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 22
 
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Barney: "I'm dating a stripper."
Ted: "Yes, I've seen your bus ad."

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 21
 
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Marshall: "All pregnant ladies have crazy sex dreams. It's just her hormones going berserk."
Barney: "So who's responsible for her rapid thigh movement this time?"
Ted: "Oh, my favorite was when she banged George Washington."
Barney: "I liked the three-way with Bill Cosby and Papa Smurf."
Ted: "Oh, he smurfed the smurf out of her."
Marshall: "Yes, while The Cos smurfed off in the corner - we all remember."

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 21
 
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Ted: "Every three years we sit down and Tril' it up big time, agreed?"
Marshall: "Agreed-o!"

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 20
 
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Usually after a sandwich, I feel paranoid, but I'm not. WHY AM I NOT BEING PARANOID??

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 10
 
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Kevin: "Well, it's a close one. Lily made 14 awkward references to marriage and Marshall made an even 60."
Robin: "I'm so sorry, Kevin."
Kevin: "It's okay. I'm gonna go to bed, but you guys think tomorrow we can stop with all the marriage talk?"
Lily: "I do."
Marshall: "I do."
Kevin: "That's a half a point each."

Kevin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 16
 
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Ted: "You know Robin? Been thinking about it. Guess it's kind of nice you're such a bad-ass."
Robin: "It's pretty bad-ass you're so nice, Ted."

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 15
 
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Robin: "She was gonna get the last kugel."
Ted: "She was 90 years old. It was probably gonna be her last kugel."

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 15
 
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Robin: "Sometimes in life you have to be assertive and stand up for yourself."
Ted: "You called her a whore!"
Robin: "Who wears that much make up?"
Ted: "Old ladies!"
Robin: "Who take money for sex, exactly!"

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 15
 
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Lily, I think we made a mistake moving out to the suburbs. I miss our home. I miss our booth with our friends. And I'm pretty sure I have a drumstick... somewhere bad.

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 14
 
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Robin: "I wouldn't go to Cleveland for 125 million dollars, paid over six years."
Ted: "Still with the LeBron jokes? Where's that ring he's supposed to have by now?"

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 12
 
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Lily, you just gave those children a stapler, a pair of sharp scissors and a pretty decent Pinot Noir.

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 8
 
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The Pork Authority is closed. Looks like it's Hand Central Station for you little buddy.

James Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 7
 
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He let me have her. I have to say, it was pretty noble of him. He fell on his sword so that she could fall on mine.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 15
 
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Too many crazies had my old number, so now I'm all about disposable cell phones. I'll use one for a while, have my fun, then dump it and get a new one. And then I'll do the same with my phone.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 15
 
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Zoey: "Don't worry Ted, she's cute."
Barney: "'Cute' means 'fat'!"
Zoey: "She's not fat."
Barney: "'Not fat' means 'ugly'."

Fat PeopleBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 15
 
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Ted: "I just thought he needed to listen to common sense and reasonable discourse."
Robin: "Oh, God. Tell me those aren't the names of your fists."
Ted: "They're my feet. I'm actually more of a kicker."

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 13
 
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Lily: "How did you do it?"
Barney: "Oh God, you found one of the cameras. I swear that's the only one! Wait, which one did you find?"

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 13
 
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Ted: "Robin, this show is so dirty, I don't know whether to hug you, or run a shower for you, so you can sit there alone, crying and clenching your knees."
Robin: "It's just bad camera work, okay? Wayne, our camera guy - he wasn't that great."
Marshall: "I don't know. I think he did a pretty good job, considering he was probably only using one hand."

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 9
 
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I didn't realize you were small potatoes. And to be clear, I am referring to your testicles.

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 8
 
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Barney: "Looks like that bee got busy."
Ted: "Looks like that French maid didn't turn down somebody's bed."
Marshall: "Oh, looks like Pocahontas has a couple of wounded knees."

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 7
 
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Hey, want to come to my house and play telephone? I got the string, you got the cans.

TelephonesBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 6
 
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Barney: "Whoa, Ted, that thing you're packing is way too big to fit in that box."
Ted: "Yeah, that's what your mom said."
Barney: "How dare you?"
Ted: "No, she actually said that."

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 2
 
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14 seconds! And already some dingdong is stepping up, thinking he can get some of this broke off.

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 1
 
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What you're doing right now. I'm getting a de-rection!

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 1
 
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Nobody takes an intro class to get on any other path, but the path to not being hungover anymore. I learned that in my intro to something-ology class.

CollegeMarshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 5
 
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Ted: "Trying to get them interested in architecture as a career."
Barney: "Why? Are we running out of buildings?"
Robin: "Are we running out of boring people?"

ArchitectureRobin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 5
 
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Robin, if you asked a hundred people: "Who's the worst person you could possibly date?" They'd all say "your therapist", except the ones saying "Barney".

PsychologyTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 5
 
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Career has been trouncing romance for years. It's like the Globetrotters versus the Generals: Career's sinking hook shots from half court, romance is just a bunch of slow white guys, who couldn't make it in the Italian league.

CareerTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 24
 
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Clint: "Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman."
Ted: "Please don't."

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 20
 
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Ted: "I made a bid online, I won the auction the next day and I got approval. I just finalized the paperwork."
Barney: "And was the Blair Witch easy to deal with, or did she haggle over the closing costs?"

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 20
 
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Ted: "You always kept your toothbrush in the bedroom. Also weird, by the way."
Lily: "No. We kept it in the bathroom."
Ted: "No, there was only one toothbrush in the bathroom, and it was mine..."

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 14
 
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We've always been a trio! We're right up there with Batman and Robin and Alfred. Romeo and Juliet and the apothecary. Salt and pepper and cumin.

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 4
 
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Marshall: "Where is your playbook?"
Robin: "My playbook? Bro, uh, two-volume set, right here.
Ted: "It's a great read, actually."
Lily: "Yeah, I'm reading it right now."

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 8
 
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