I don't wanna be choosing between two girls, I wanna be a complete head over heels idiot for one!LoveTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 2
I guess, if we're splitting hairs, then technically... there was a plurality to the times I've lied to women for sex-having-purposes.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 2
Ted: 'All my friends from high-school, they're here with their wifes or kids. My date for the night is a sticky magazine...'
Robin: 'Sounds like high-school all over again!'
Get ready, Cleveland. The last man to screw you that hard and then disappear, was LeBron James!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 1
Lily: 'Whenever we board a flight, you lick the plane!'
Marshall: 'Have we crashed even once?'
Robin: 'Who wants hot-wings?'
Lily: 'I'm in... or maybe we should just pour hot-sauce on Barney, since he's a total chicken.'
The only person on earth, who loves Ted Mosby more than Marshall Eriksen, is drunk Marshall Eriksen!Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 1
Marshall really took a two-flusher on that one!Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 1
Ted, your throwing your life away. This girl is blinding you with her shiny hair and her boob-shaped boobs!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 18
Marshall: 'The broken windows?'
Lily: 'We had to make it look realistic.'
Marshall: 'But why did you break two of them?'
Robin: 'It looked like fun when she did it, so I wanted to try.'
Marshall: 'I can't believe this whole time it was you guys; I've been blaming Really Tan Dancing Leotard guy.'
Your car's gonna be fine, this is the best auto-shop around. Look at this certificate, one of the mechanics here...
[reads the certificate]
...finished a 64 ounce steak.
Ted: 'I thought you said you got rid of everything your ex-boyfriends gave you?'
Robin: 'Well yeah, but not my dogs.'
Ted: 'You said everything.'
Robin: 'But not living things.'
Ted: 'Tell that to the rare bolivian cactus i threw away!'
I'll help you study. We're gonna stay up all night long. I'm gonna drill you and then we're gonna study. No, seriously. We're gonna do some cramming and then we're gonna study. No, seriously. We're gonna bone up on...Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 5
Lily: 'We'll all have a wedding dress camp-out. It'll be fun!'
Barney: 'I can't go. I've got this thing.'
Lily: 'What thing?'
Barney: 'A penis!'
Because sometimes, even when you know how something's gonna end, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the ride.TravelingTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 14
I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it: Buck-naked. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. What up?Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 14
Ted: 'Robin! I just had a great idea!'
Robin: 'Oh, do whatever you want to me, just don't wake me up.'
Freeways have exits, so do relationships. The first exit, my personal favourite, is six hours in: You meet, you talk, you have sex, you exit when she's in the shower.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 12
Discouraging premarital sex is against my religion.SexBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 12
Lily: 'That's Dirty Dancing!'
Ted: 'It was on last night.'
Marshall: 'No, it was two nights ago. 'She's Like the Wind' has been stuck in my brain for about 40 hours. I just got it out; now it's back in. Damn you, Swayze!'
Robin: 'You mean the whiny, bottomless pit of neediness? He was bugging me so I spiked his echinacea tea with codeine.'
Ted: 'You would be a great mom.'
Ted: 'Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch!'
[The lights turn out]
Lily: 'Happy? Now you pissed up the big guy upstairs!'
Ted: 'Yeah, I'm sure god cares if I...'
Man: 'You use that language again and I turn off your water!'
Lily: 'It's my super - he lives above me.'
Ted: '[to Marshall, lying next to him] Marshall, are you still thinking about Lily?'
Ted: 'Please stop!'
Stella hated Star Wars! She lied to you. Search your feelings, Ted. You know it to be true!Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 6
Okay, I've missed you. Not in a 'we're gonna make out' way, not even in an 'I forgive you' way. Just in an 'I've missed you' way.Missing SomeoneRobin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother
There's kids playing hockey in the back. It's like you want us to make fun of you!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother
If one of the Vancouver Canucks walked in here, my panties would drop so hard, there would be a hole in the floor halfway to China.Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 14
Robin: 'What? I am not keeping Mike on a hook!'
Ted: 'You are Captain Hook!'
Robin: 'Dude, I'm a girl, ok? Our girl parts are like a spider webs; sometimes you are gonna catch stuff you don't want.'
Dude, ditch Tiffany and join the Barnacle in the Pharma-Girl-Free-For-All. Side effects may include: loss of clothing, rug burns, shortness of breath and soar abdominals the next morning. What in the world is up!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 16
Well, Amanda is going to make Lily a cake, she's a chef! We met when I was at a restaurant last week and I sent some soup back. Luckily she's got such pretty hair I didn't mind eating a little bit of it.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 18
Ted: 'I could end up marrying this woman; I want our first kiss to be special.'
Lily: 'Oh, that's sweet. So you chickened out like a little bitch?'
Ted: 'I hate how you're always right.'
Lily: 'It's my best, and most annoying, trait.'
Barney: 'On your tombstone, it will be, 'Lily Aldrin. Caring wife. Loving friend. Slapbet-Commissioner.''
Marshall: 'And your tombstone will read, 'Got slapped by Marhsall so hard he died.''
Have you been arrested in a mall?
Dumped in a mall?
Turned out you're Canadian in a mall?
Ted: 'You're scared of the seven dwarves?'
Robin: 'Just of Doc. He's creepy... I mean, the guy went to medical school, what is he doing living with six coalminers.'
Lily: 'We're going to Atlantic City to elope - right now!'
Barney: 'Oh, congratulations Lily! Marshall, you're getting married? What the hell?'
Woman: 'You know this isn't Vegas, right?'
Robin: 'Well sure, in Vegas the casinos pump in oxygen, here it looks like everyone brought their own.'
Robin, I'm his best friend, that's a commitment. Girlfriend, that's like a bad flu. Out of your system after a couple of weeks in bed.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 3
When I have kids, and I tell them how I met their mother, I'm gonna tell them everything. The whole damn story.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 3
I'm a genetic goldmine! No family history of diabetes or heart disease, everyone has non-porous teeth and perfect eyesight. I had one schizophrenic uncle, but even he had perfect vision. Which was unfortunate for the people around the bell tower he was in.Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 3
Stacey, six kids in five years! The woman's basically a ride to the waterpark.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 3
Barney: 'Ted, it's a well-known statistic, that 83% of people, married longer than 6 months, are saving someone on the side.'
Ted: 'Do you know that when you make up a statistic, you always use 83% ?'
Whats your prescription, Dr. Estrogen? Eat Haagen-Dazs and watch 'Love... actually' until your periods sync up?Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 1
Because were baseball, strippers and guns can't help, the only thing that can really heal a broken heart, is time.Heart, Breakup & LovesickTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 1
Ted: 'Oh hey, where are you guys?'
Barney: 'We're in a fundraiser, helping young women raise money for community college.'
Ted: 'Stripclub... nice!'
Any time, a girl wants to get back at her ex-bodyfriends, we'll be there.
Any time, a girl wants to solve her father-issues through promiscuity and binge drinking we will be there.
Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting 'what's up New York?', we will be what is 'up' New York!
Know what time it is? It's do-o-clock, lets ride!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 10
In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 13
Lily: 'A swordfight? On Monday I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiancé ran me through with a freakin' broadsword.'
Marshall: 'Well... just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through.'
Lily: 'I'm sorry, is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me?'