The best Quotes from How I Met Your Mother (Page 6)

So that's it? A couple of white Urkels offer you sausages and you're gone?

Since I stopped dating Robin, there's this thing I haven't used as much as I would like. It's kind of big. Surprisingly heavy. Kind of leathery. And it's black.
This, my friends, is the playbook!

I am Mr. Charity. I frequently sleep with sixes, chubsters, over thirty's. I am the Bill and Melinda Gates of the sympathy bang.

God. It's me, Barney. What up? I know we don't talk much, but I know a lot of girls call out your name because of me. Awesome!

Barney, check it! Three blond babies drinking bad-decision-juice at eight o'clock.

Ted: "Where does this girl live?"
Robin: "We're talking about a woman who's gotten Barney to commit. I'm guessing Narnia."

Hey, nice shirt, Ted. Is it yesterday already?

Nerds who aren't good at math?
Life is going to be rough boys!

Female acrobats from Montreal, super flexible... we're gonna get Cirque du so-laid!

It's going to be legen...
wait for it - and I hope you're not lactose-intolerant cause the second half of that word is
...dary!

Marshall: "Except the flames of Lucifer keep singein our back bumper as we drive through this hellish, cheese-infected wasteland."
Lily: "Wisconsin?"
Marshall: "Wisconsin!"

Robin: "I'm drinking 'til I forget the 1999 NFC Championship?"
Marshall: "The Vikings were two minutes away from going to the Super Bowl, when our kicker, who hadn't missed all year, shanked a field goal, and we lost in overtime. Damn!"

Ted: "It's freezing out there. Where's your coat?"
Robin: "Ted, I'm Canadian. I don't need a coat. This kind of weather is nothing for me."
Marshall: "Yeah. This is like a spring day back in Minnesota."

Lily: "We don't wanna burden our little angel with all kinds of gender-specific expectations. Boys can do ballet, girls can play football."
Marshall: "Hell, the Green Bay Packers have been proving that for years."

Robin: "Our boy's back in the game."
Lily: "Thank God, it's been a hundred years since Mosby scored a dame."
Marshall: "The last time he saw boobies was the screen-test scene in 'Fame'."
Robin: "The last girl he dated, I think 'Righty' was her name."

Hey, ref, check your voicemail! I think you've missed a few calls!

Marshall: "Open your eyes, ref! That's not a pregnant lady..."
Ted: "...it's a basketball under his shirt. Blow the freakin' whistle!"

When Mom was a groupie in the '70s, her scrambled eggs made her the darling of the MSG loading dock. Lot of songs written about those scrambled eggs:
ZZ Top's "She's Got Legs"? Originally "She's Got Eggs".
Led Zeppelin? "Scramble On".
Steve Miller? "The Yolker".
If you listen to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" while eating her eggs, it lines up perfectly.

Yes, I'm in a rotten mood. No, I don't want to talk about it. Yes, this has booze in it. No, it's not my first.

Marshall: "Robin, I need you to delete the last text that Lily got before she sees it."
Robin: "Bro, it's my wedding weekend. Just because you didn't know better than to take a naked selfie while you were in the coldest part of the country..."
Marshall: "...first, I'm an Eriksen. Cold has a plumping effect."

Your story is so sweet. You didn't even kiss 'til the third date. By our third date, I hit more bases than Bob Hope on a USO tour.

Every hookup at a weekend wedding is decided at Friday Night Drinks. Get stuck with the wrong girl tonight, the only action you'll be getting all weekend is a self five and I don't mean the cool kind. Self-five! That's the cool kind.

Oh, come on, ref! I haven't seen that much hooking go unpunished since my last trip to Vegas.

Barney: "I was having such a good time greasing 12-year-olds."
Ted: "LaserTag."
Marshall: "Helpful. Continue."

The Bro Code has been around for centuries. Nay... whatever's more than centuries.

Ted: "So, you are mad about me and Robin holding hands."
Barney: "Of course I'm mad Ted. Holding hands is like the fourth grade equivalent of banging. Well in your case, twelfth grade. Self-five!"

Robin: "I can't believe my great grandparents still do that."
Barney: "And I never imagined a walker being used for anything other than walking."

Barney: "You avoiding the family too?"
James: "I'm gay, I'm black and I'm getting a divorce. Those walking skeletons are gonna have more questions for me than their pharmacists."

I'm from Minnesota, where there's plenty hot-dogs for everyone. Perhaps even too many...

Lily: "Okay, stop! Every time he lands, that chair farts out ten-year-old Dorito dust."
Marshall: "Yeah, it's the chair..."

Italy doesn't need something that is wrinkled, red and leaky, and smells like booze and narcotics. They've already got former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.

Robin: "This locket was my grandma's, she kept it hidden in her butt all through world war II."
Lily: "What? Where was she?"
Robin: "Winnipeg. Come on, Lily, that is a joke."

You're gonna get endless requests to play some game, that has something to do with gangsters and farming!

Robin: "He has a book of plays he uses to trick women into sleeping with him."
Patrice: "Oh, no way. Barney's my honey bear."
Robin: "Actually, one of his plays is called 'The Honey Bear'. He dresses up like Winnie the Pooh, and the next thing you know, his hand's stuck in your pot."

Marshall: "Can we borrow your air mattress? My mom's coming into town for a few days."
Ted: "Absolutely not!"
Lily: "Bummer, I guess she can't stay with us. Hey, look what I just found! A list of hotels and other creative housing options."
Marshall: "Baby, my mom is not staying at a hotel. Or our storage unit."

Marshall: "Baby, you're like 20 sl*tty chicks all rolled into one."
Lily: "Sweet-talk is not gonna change my mind!"

By "entertainment" they mean "table-shuffle-board", Makramee classes and other non-stimulating activities which are only used in Manhatten to calm down drug-addicts and the criminaly insane.

The biggest case of my life and I'd already lost the jury. I mean, I've heard of "Twelve Angry Men", but this was more like "Twelve Horny Women".

Ted: "Want to know what I looked like at age 15? There it is."
Robin: "I don't get it, that guy wasn't masturbating."
Barney: "Yeah, and the waistband of his undies wasn't pulled up to his Cub Scouts neckerchief."

Marshall, you being 18 isn't a bad thing. It just means you get to spend even more of your life with her.

B-Dawg, Barn Door, Stinson-natti, Bro-hio! Talk to me, how's it hangin'?

Nick: "So, I went to this fortune teller today and she said there was a curse on me."
Robin: "Did she sell you something to ward off the curse?"
Nick: "It's like you're a fortune teller, too."

Barney: "Before you know it, you'll be marrying a man who once ate a vanilla-scented candle!"
Robin: "That was on me. I shouldn't have left it in the kitchen. Though, it was lit. Man, he dumb."

Robin: "I don't know if we should keep seeing each other."
Nick: "You want to start turning off the lights during sex?"
Robin: "No. God, no. No! I am just worried that, as a couple, we're not working out."
Nick: "You want to start going to the gym together?"

Ted: "Basketball, people don't realize, is all geometry, physics and engineering. If you think like an architect, you could win a thousand games without ever touching a ball."
Barney: "What happened to your ball?"
Ted: "Some kids from the Hebrew school next door took it and wouldn't give it back."

Ted: "Our point guard's a 52-year-old virgin, happy as a clam."
Barney: "I'm sure he's quite a ball handler."

As fun as this place is, it's late. So, what's our play? And don't say, "The Siamese Twins", we're not stretching out another one of my jackets!

It's not what you think, he just wants to have sex. Kidding. Just a little hand stuff. Ha, kidding again. Ted's more of a boob man. I seriously can't stop.

Barney: "I love how she was this wise, old, chilled out, lesbian farmer."
Robin: "No, no, no. She's not a lesbian, nor does she farm them. No, that woman she lives with, that's just her special friend Maureen. They've lived together for... Oh!"

Ted: "As a kid, I was known as a bit of a detective. In fact, when my friend's retainer went missing, the Mosby Boys were put on the case, and it was..."
Victoria: "The retainer was in the garbage. The Mosby Boys were you, your sister, and a neighborhood squirrel you thought you had tamed."
Ted: "I can't believe Squirrel-lock Holmes turned on us like that, eight weeks of training down the drain."