The best Quotes from How I Met Your Mother (Page 6)

How I Met Your Mother is a US tv-series. The quotes from the main characters Ted Mosby, Barney Stinson, Robin Scherbatsky, Lily Aldrin and Marshall Eriksen make the series legendary.

Right now, the ninth season of How I Met Your Mother is running on CBS.

The best Quotes from How I Met Your Mother

Well, maybe this isn't a breakup. Maybe this is two friends getting back together.

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 7Friendship, Relationships

Marshall: 'I don't care if the dishes aren't done, okay? If you care, you do it.'
Lily: 'Great, then I don't care if you have an orgasm. If you care, you do it.'

Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 6

I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep. I can rock a killer foot rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of chamomile in the other, that would make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but: thanks for your concern, rook!

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 6Relationships

Not only are you wrong... but you are belligerently sticking to your guns and insulting me in the process. Robin Scherbatsky, you are an American.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 5America

When you date someone, it's like you're taking one long course in who that person is and then, when you break up, all that stuff becomes useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree...

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 3Relationships

I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby.
That's like taking fashion advice from... well, Ted Mosby.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 3

How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend?
1. Never get them wet. In other words, don't let her take a shower at your place.
2. Keep them away from sunlight - i. e. don't ever see them during the day.
3. Never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 1

There's something between us. Maybe my head was saying, 'nip it in the bud', because my heart was saying something else...

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 24

When will you guys realize, that the only difference between my real life and a porno
is, my real life has better lighting?

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 23

It could be for a brother or maybe her sick dad.
[reads] 'And then I want you to do me on the couch.'
Okay, maybe not a sick dad. Or a very sick dad, am I right?

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 21

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
You can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 20Puns

I've got to find a way to introduce some wood into Bilson's dark atrium. I think you know what I meant.

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 18

Karen: 'I'm sure all the exploited diamond miners in Sierra Leone would give you a high-five if they still had all their fingers. But really pretty - meet me upstairs!'
Robin: 'They only need one finger to give her what I'm thinking.'

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 17

Ted, honey, I want you to go outside and bite the curb. I'll be out in a minute.

Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 16

One minute we're just laying into each other, and then the next minute... well, same thing.

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 12

There's only three things you'll ever see me fight:
The stubborn clasp of a bra.
Sexual harassment charges - nine for nine!
And the urge to vomit when, I see someone wearing brown shoes with a black suit.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 10

Ted: 'Everyone has an opinion on how long it takes to recover from a breakup.'
Lily: 'Half the length of the relationship.'
Marshall: 'One week for every month you were together.'
Robin: 'Exactly 10,000 drinks, however long that takes.'
Barney: 'You can't measure something like this in time. There's a series of steps: From her bed to the front door. Bam! Out of there.... next!'

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 9Breakup & Lovesick

Seriously. Jesus started the whole 'wait three days'-thing. He waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect! If he had only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, 'Hey Jesus, what up?' and Jesus would probably be like, 'What up? I died yesterday!' and then they'd be all, 'Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude...' and then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected, and how it was a miracle, and then the dude would be like 'Uh okay, whatever you say, bro.'
And he's not gonna come back on a saturday. Everybody's busy, doing chores, workin' the loom, trimmin' their beards. No, he waits the exact right number of days: three! Plus it's sunday, so everyone's in church already, they're all in there 'Oh no, Jesus is dead', then bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle, everyone's totally psyched, and FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days. We wait three days to call a woman, because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.... True story!

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 21

You have just become victims of the cheerleader-effect. Glad you asked: The cheerleader-effect is when a group of women seems hot, but only as a group. Just like with cheerleaders. They seem hot, but take each one of them individually? Sled dogs!

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 7

I have let you come wash my dishes. I said my oven needed cleaning, I invited you to a porno!

Victoria in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 3

Lily: 'I am gonna have to walk this earth, knowing Barney has touched my boobs.'
Robin: 'Yeah it stays with ya. His e-mail reminders don't help.'

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 7

Enjoy your mai-tai, because soon you will be wearing my tie!

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 3

Ted: 'You know what else is getting cleaned, along with that cup-cake tray? My conscience!'
Victoria: 'You got anything else to atone for? My oven needs cleaning.'

Victoria in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 3

Marshall: 'Let the dinnertainment begin!'
Barney: 'That reminds me there's this other restaurant we should try sometime. What they do is, they cook you a meal, in a little room called a 'kitchen'.'

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 3

Ted: 'Robin and I already had our backslide. Last Thanksgiving, not even that long ago.'
Stella: 'Did you place a large bet against yourself?'

Stella Zinman in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 5

Kids, morals usually come at the end of stories, but this one is so important, I'm gonna tell you now. Don't ever, ever invite an ex to your wedding.

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 5

Stella's sister: 'I'm a vegan. I wish I could tune out that moral voice inside me, that says eating animals is murder. But I guess I'm just not as strong as you are.'
Ted: 'That's 'cause you need protein. I'll have the lamb.'

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 5

Every year, there are a million
new, hot 22-year-olds walking into bars
and call me 'glass-half-full'... but I think they're getting dumber.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 4

Ted, no! You never break up a girl fight! Never!

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 4

My arm hasn't been this sore, since I was 13 years old and figured out how to lock a bathroom.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 3

Marshall: 'The tiniest little burger joint you ever saw. Tucked between a taxidermist and a XXX bookstore.'
Barney: 'Name two places where things get stuffed.'

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 2

Robin: 'I just finished a seven-day cleanse.'
Marshall: 'I thought you just started that yesterday.'
Robin: 'I finished early, okay?'

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 2

Stella: 'Ted, you're staring at my breasts.'
Ted: 'In fairness... they were staring at me.'

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 18

Ted: 'We can do it against the door. It will be hot. It will be like a three-way: you, me and the door.'
Stella: 'Yeah, but then it's going to be weird between me and the door tomorrow.'

Stella Zinman in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 18

So Robin? Guess who nailed the chick from 'Metro News One' last night!

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 17

Barney: 'Tell me more. Tell me more. Like did he have a car?'
Marshall: 'So is he the guy who... how shall I say this like a gentleman? Robin, did he take your maple leaf?'
Barney: 'Sounds to me like he gave you your first 'O Canada' face!'

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 16

Ted: 'Do not pretend you're not the kind of guy, who keeps a list of all the girls he slept with.'
Marshall: 'I have one. It's called my marriage-license.'

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 14Marriage

This is New York City, don't get close to the neighbours. You nod at them politely in the hall, you call the cops if you haven't seen them in a while and you smell something funny and that's it!

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 11New York City, Neighbors

Marshall: 'Jelly beans, fluffernutter, Gummi Bears, ginger snap... this is a grocery list!'
Robin: 'For who? A witch building a house in the forest?'
Marshall: 'Sugar helps me study.'
Barney: 'This is like the shopping a ten-year-old does when his parents leave him alone for the weekend.'
Lily: 'What parent leaves a ten-year-old alone for the weekend?'
Barney: 'And your mom was perfect.'

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 8

Brother, you're driving the 'I-wanna-have-sex-with-her-truck' and its got a huge blind spot.

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 8

I appreciate your help, but there's a reason your name is 'Robin', not 'Batman'.

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 7

Barney: 'I met a girl last night. So perky and full of life and not at all fake.'
Ted: 'You're talking about her boobs, right?'
Barney: 'Si. And that wasn't Spanish, that was cup size. What up?!'

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 7

Barney: 'Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live. Barney... we met at the urinal.
Lesson 1: Loose the goatee it doesn't go with your suit!'
Ted: 'I'm not wearing a suit.'
Barney: 'Lesson 2: Get a suit, suits are cool. Exhibit A.
Lesson 3: 'Don't even think about getting married until your 30.'

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 1

Marshall: 'Neither of you guys has any game, right? Or else you'd be married. Like me. If dating is the game, then marriage is winning the game.'
Ted: 'Yeah, if you're playing in the women's league!'

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 4

Barney: 'You can't spell 'game' without 'me' and 'me' has the best game.'
Ted: 'Yeah well, I got so much game,
I'm Cornish game hen.'
Barney: 'Oh, yeah? I'm the New York State
gaming commissioner.'
Ted: 'Well, I'm The Game. Well-crafted, keep-you-guessing thriller starring
Michael Douglas and Sean Penn.'

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 4

Where some choose to look at this bra half-empty, I choose to look at this bra half-full.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 1

Do not tell me you're gonna start searching for 'the one' again. The only time I wanna hear you saying 'the one', is if it's followed by the word 'hundred'.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 22

Ted: 'Okay, time to get the horn back to the bistro.'
Robin: 'Oh Ted, I don't know if I can go again, that tuckered me out.'
Ted: 'No euphemism.'

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 22

You wanna know what line doesn't work on a harp player? 'Hey baby, wanna pluck?'

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 21

Kids, you can't talk yourself into falling in love. It doesn't take days of deliberation. When it's real, you know pretty quickly and with absolute certainty.
I had forgotten that, but I was about to be reminded...

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 2Love, Falling in love

Characters from How I Met Your Mother