For some women it was the ashes of my parents. For others it was the trophy from Wimbledon and believe it or not, for one busty dullard, it was both. Game, enormous set and match!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 4
Wherein I suggested that you take your head and store it within yourself, in a fashion that, while space-saving, might limit its exposure to sunshine.Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 11
Ted: "No, seriously Robin, you should get the slap. I mean, you're a great slapper. In fact, I want to study slapping under your tutelage. I want to be your slap-prentice."
Robin: "Don't sell yourself short there, Teddy. You're a slapping rock star. Your name should be Eric Slapton."
I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby.
That's like taking fashion advice from... well, Ted Mosby.
How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend?
1. Never get them wet. In other words, don't let her take a shower at your place.
2. Keep them away from sunlight - i. e. don't ever see them during the day.
3. Never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast.
When will you guys realize, that the only difference between my real life and a p0rn0 is, my real life has better lighting?Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 23
What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
You can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass.
Ted, honey, I want you to go outside and bite the curb. I'll be out in a minute.Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 16
You have just become victims of the cheerleader-effect. Glad you asked: The cheerleader-effect is when a group of women seems hot, but only as a group. Just like with cheerleaders. They seem hot, but take each one of them individually? Sled dogs!CheerleadersBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 7
Ted: "You know what else is getting cleaned, along with that cup-cake tray? My conscience!"
Victoria: "You got anything else to atone for? My oven needs cleaning."
Ted: "We can do it against the door. It will be hot. It will be like a three-way: you, me and the door."
Stella: "Yeah, but then it's going to be weird between me and the door tomorrow."
So Robin? Guess who nailed the chick from "Metro News One" last night!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 17
Barney: "Tell me more. Tell me more. Like did he have a car?"
Marshall: "So is he the guy who... how shall I say this like a gentleman? Robin, did he take your maple leaf?"
Barney: "Sounds to me like he gave you your first 'O Canada' face!"
Ted: "Do not pretend you're not the kind of guy, who keeps a list of all the girls he slept with."
Marshall: "I have one. It's called my marriage-license."
Barney: "Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live. Barney... we met at the urinal. Lesson 1: Loose the goatee it doesn't go with your suit!"
Ted: "I'm not wearing a suit."
Barney: "Lesson 2: Get a suit, suits are cool. Exhibit A. Lesson 3: "Don't even think about getting married until your 30."
Barney: "You can't spell 'game' without 'me' and 'me' has the best game."
Ted: "Yeah well, I got so much game, I'm Cornish game hen."
Barney: "Oh, yeah? I'm the New York State gaming commissioner."
Ted: "Well, I'm The Game. Well-crafted, keep-you-guessing thriller starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn."
Do not tell me you're gonna start searching for "the one" again. The only time I wanna hear you saying "the one", is if it's followed by the word "hundred".Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 22
Ted: "Okay, time to get the horn back to the bistro."
Robin: "Oh Ted, I don't know if I can go again, that tuckered me out."
Ted: "No euphemism."
Get ready, Cleveland. The last man to screw you that hard and then disappear, was LeBron James!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 1
Lily: "Whenever we board a flight, you lick the plane!"
Marshall: "Have we crashed even once?"
The only person on earth, who loves Ted Mosby more than Marshall Eriksen, is drunk Marshall Eriksen!Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 1
Your car's gonna be fine, this is the best auto-shop around. Look at this certificate, one of the mechanics here...
[reads the certificate]
...finished a 64 ounce steak.
Lily: "We'll all have a wedding dress camp-out. It'll be fun!"
Barney: "I can't go. I've got this thing."
Lily: "What thing?"
Barney: "A penis!"
I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it: Buck-naked. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. What up?Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 14
Ted: "Robin! I just had a great idea!"
Robin: "Oh, do whatever you want to me, just don't wake me up."
Robin: "You mean the whiny, bottomless pit of neediness? He was bugging me so I spiked his echinacea tea with codeine."
Ted: "You would be a great mom."
Ted: "Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch!"
[The lights turn out]
Lily: "Happy? Now you pissed up the big guy upstairs!"
Ted: "Yeah, I'm sure god cares if I..."
Man: "You use that language again and I turn off your water!"
Lily: "It's my super - he lives above me."
Ted: "I could end up marrying this woman; I want our first kiss to be special."
Lily: "Oh, that's sweet. So you chickened out like a little bitch?"
Barney: "On your tombstone, it will be, 'Lily Aldrin. Caring wife. Loving friend. Slapbet-Commissioner.'"
Marshall: "And your tombstone will read, 'Got slapped by Marhsall so hard he died.'"
Ted: "You're scared of the seven dwarves?"
Robin: "Just of Doc. He's creepy... I mean, the guy went to medical school, what is he doing living with six coalminers."
You don't bring a date to a wedding, that's like taking a deer carcass on a hunting trip.HuntingBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother
Robin, I'm his best friend, that's a commitment. Girlfriend, that's like a bad flu. Out of your system after a couple of weeks in bed.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 3
Ted: "Oh hey, where are you guys?"
Barney: "We're in a fundraiser, helping young women raise money for community college."
Ted: "Stripclub... nice!"
Any time, a girl wants to get back at her ex-bodyfriends, we'll be there.
Any time, a girl wants to solve her father-issues through promiscuity and binge drinking we will be there.
Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting 'what's up New York?', we will be what is 'up' New York!
In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 13
Lily: "Your job is very simple. At the wedding, do not sleep with anyone even remotely related to me."
Barney: "Yeah. Lily, you know I can't promise that"
Lily: "I can't believe I unloaded like that on a high-school senior."
Robin: "I can't believe a high-school senior unloaded like that on me."
When you meet someone special, suddenly life is full of firsts: The first kiss, the first night together, the first weekend together.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 14
A drum roll?! That's it? So what, you just said good night, came home and... performed a drum solo?Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 13
Barney: "Wow, Ted. You're gonna have to find a new member for yourself, cause I'm revoking your dude-membership."
Ted: "Yeah, how was that manicure yesterday?"
Barney: "Invigorating... thanks."
Marshall: "Yes, i want a ball-room and I want a band and I want shoes. I've been dreaming about this day since I was... like...
Lily: "...a little girl?"
There's three rules of cheating:
1st: It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married.
2nd: It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels.
3rd: And it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.
Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.College, Long-Distance Relationships, TeenagersTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 16
How to run a marathon: Step one, you start running. There is no step two.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 15
Every Halloween I bring a spare costume. In case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.HalloweenBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 6
I mean she just walked out. At least when I walk out on a girl I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first. It's called manners!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 17
I am not "with" Nora. Wrong Preposition! Later tonight I'm hoping to be "on" Nora, right? Or "under" Nora. Am I right? Or, we're all adults, so I'll just say it: "behind" Nora.SexBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 18
If I got serious with Nora, it would be like if Mother Teresa focused all her attention on one really hot orphan. With great penis comes great responsibility.PenissesBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 17