He let me have her. I have to say, it was pretty noble of him. He fell on his sword so that she could fall on mine.0
Too many crazies had my old number, so now I'm all about disposable cell phones. I'll use one for a while, have my fun, then dump it and get a new one. And then I'll do the same with my phone.0
Zoey: 'Don't worry Ted, she's cute.'
Barney: ''Cute' means 'fat'!'
Zoey: 'She's not fat.'
Barney: ''Not fat' means 'ugly'.'
Judy: 'Who got Cousin Daphne drunk? She is 15 years old.'
Robin: 'Whoa, they grow big out here.'
Barney: 'And here's your phone number back.'
Ted: 'I just thought he needed to listen to common sense and reasonable discourse.'
Robin: 'Oh, God. Tell me those aren't the names of your fists.'
Ted: 'They're my feet. I'm actually more of a kicker.'
Lily: 'How did you do it?'
Barney: 'Oh God, you found one of the cameras. I swear that's the only one! Wait, which one did you find?'
Ted: 'Robin, this show is so dirty, I don't know whether to hug you, or run a shower for you, so you can sit there alone, crying and clenching your knees.'
Robin: 'It's just bad camera work, okay? Wayne, our camera guy - he wasn't that great.'
Marshall: 'I don't know. I think he did a pretty good job, considering he was probably only using one hand.'
Ted: 'Barney, I don't know if the oven is deep enough. Plus, it's a display made of cardboard.'
Barney: 'Huh. I should probably disconnect the gas.'
I didn't realize you were small potatoes. And to be clear, I am referring to your testicles.0
Lily: 'Just give me his name!'
Robin: 'Fine. It's Bill Pepper.'
Lily: 'Kind of a coincidence there happens to be a bill and a pepper shaker here on the table. Any chance you and Bill had a three-way with Fork Napkin?'
Barney: 'Looks like that bee got busy.'
Ted: 'Looks like that French maid didn't turn down somebody's bed.'
Marshall: 'Oh, looks like Pocahontas has a couple of wounded knees.'
Ted: 'You name a chubby white kid LeBron and he's the one getting stuffed in the basketball hoop.'
Marshall: 'Then I'm also crossing off Shaquille, Hakeem and Dikembe.'
Hey, want to come to my house and play telephone? I got the string, you got the cans.0
Barney: 'I cannot stop staring at that girl's face.'
Ted: 'Face, huh? That's your weirdest nickname for boobs yet.'
That girl was just crying. She's so sad and defenseless... anyone have a condom?0
It's only once you've stopped, that you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it.Breakup & Lovesick, Grief, Missing Someone, Beginning0
Dinner's a very intimate activity. It requires a level of connection and eye contact, that sex just doesn't. Call me old-fashioned, but I need to have sex with a girl at least three times before I'll even consider having dinner with her.0
There's something that I need to ask you and I want you to be honest with me. Why do white people like Carrot Top?0
Barney: 'Whoa, Ted, that thing you're packing is way too big to fit in that box.'
Ted: 'Yeah, that's what your mom said.'
Barney: 'How dare you?'
Ted: 'No, she actually said that.'
14 seconds! And already some dingdong is stepping up, thinking he can get some of this broke off.0
Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge, pick you up, give a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway, but it's all downhill from here.0
Marshall: 'During that time, I have been, how do I put this delicately, saving all my love for you.'
Lily: 'I have read eleven books on conception, I have cut out alcohol, caffeine and sugar. I take my temperature every hour. But good for you for not playing with yourself!'
Lily: 'A big package just arrived.'
Marshall: 'Yeah, it did.'
Lily: 'No, no. It's a real package from your dad.'
Marshall: 'Well, that's a little weird, but yeah, it is.'
What you're doing right now. I'm getting a de-rection!0
Barney: 'You have no reason to be nervous. And I'm going to tell you why in one word.'
Ted: 'And what's that word?'
So you're the therapist. You know it's one thing to pretend to be a shrink and bang your patients, that's normal. But to do it for real? Little creepy bro.0
Nobody takes an intro class to get on any other path, but the path to not being hungover anymore. I learned that in my intro to something-ology class.College0
Ted: 'Trying to get them interested in architecture as a career.'
Barney: 'Why? Are we running out of buildings?'
Robin: 'Are we running out of boring people?'
Robin, if you asked a hundred people: 'Who's the worst person you could possibly date?' They'd all say 'your therapist', except the ones saying 'Barney'.0
I'm growing a child in my belly, a child that just developed ears, and it's a very thin sweater. So, please, if you must tell your story, just make it cheerful.0
Career has been trouncing romance for years. It's like the Globetrotters versus the Generals: Career's sinking hook shots from half court, romance is just a bunch of slow white guys, who couldn't make it in the Italian league.Karriere0
Marshall Eriksen, put a baby in my belly.0
There is only one street where that is normal. Here's a hint: A giant yellow bird lives on it.Street0
Fine, you guys can have a baby, but only under these conditions:
1) You promise to always love me more than the baby.
2) Once a month, I get to use the baby to pick up chicks.
3) That may involve the baby falling from a two-story window and me heroically catching it.
4) No breast-feeding in front of me.
5) Forget about 4), you can whip 'em out whenever you want.
Robin: 'Have plans with Don on Saturday, he's making me Chinese.'
Lily: 'I'll assume you're talking about food, otherwise, I have some follow-up-questions.'
Clint: 'Ted, your mother is a very, very erotic woman.'
Ted: 'Please don't.'
Sometimes our best decisions are the ones that don't make any sense at all.Failures, Decisions0
Ted: 'I made a bid online, I won the auction the next day and I got approval. I just finalized the paperwork.'
Barney: 'And was the Blair Witch easy to deal with, or did she haggle over the closing costs?'
Robin: 'Ted, are you acting out the last scene of 'Sleepless in Seattle' with little dolls?'
Ted: 'How long have you been out here?'
Robin: 'Ten seconds.'
Ted: 'Yeah - just the last scene.'
In commemoration of Barney's induction into the 'Hall of Game', this tie, worn on the seventh night of his perfect week, is hereby retired.0
Ted: 'You always kept your toothbrush in the bedroom. Also weird, by the way.'
Lily: 'No. We kept it in the bathroom.'
Ted: 'No, there was only one toothbrush in the bathroom, and it was mine...'
Barney: 'I had a drinking game based on Robin. But it was actually ON Robin: I'd pour peach schnapps in her belly button...'
Ted: 'Dude, we agreed we wouldn't do this.'
Barney: 'Sorry. You're right. She didn't like it anyway. Said it woke her up.'
Even if I meet the girl of my dreams right the second, I'm still one night and nine months away, from having a family on my own. And that's assuming the mother of my childern is just a huge slut.0
For some women it was the ashes of my parents. For others it was the trophy from Wimbledon and believe it or not, for one busty dullard, it was both. Game, enormous set and match!0
We've always been a trio! We're right up there with Batman and Robin and Alfred. Romeo and Juliet and the apothecary. Salt and pepper and cumin.0
Nobody likes to be alone, especially after a breakup. But that's when we discover who we really are and what we really want.Breakup & Lovesick, Solitude & Being Alone0
What's in the box? What's in the box? WHAT'S IN THE BOX?
Right? Brad pitt? Seven?
Wherein I suggested that you take your head and store it within yourself, in a fashion that, while space-saving, might limit its exposure to sunshine.0
Ted: 'No, seriously Robin, you should get the slap. I mean, you're a great slapper. In fact, I want to study slapping under your tutelage. I want to be your slap-prentice.'
Robin: 'Don't sell yourself short there, Teddy. You're a slapping rock star. Your name should be Eric Slapton.'