The best Quotes from How I Met Your Mother (Page 5)

How I Met Your Mother is a US tv-series. The quotes from the main characters Ted Mosby, Barney Stinson, Robin Scherbatsky, Lily Aldrin and Marshall Eriksen make the series legendary.

Right now, the ninth season of How I Met Your Mother is running on CBS.

The best Quotes from How I Met Your Mother

For some women it was the ashes of my parents. For others it was the trophy from Wimbledon and believe it or not, for one busty dullard, it was both. Game, enormous set and match!

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 4
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Wherein I suggested that you take your head and store it within yourself, in a fashion that, while space-saving, might limit its exposure to sunshine.

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 11
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Ted: "No, seriously Robin, you should get the slap. I mean, you're a great slapper. In fact, I want to study slapping under your tutelage. I want to be your slap-prentice."
Robin: "Don't sell yourself short there, Teddy. You're a slapping rock star. Your name should be Eric Slapton."

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 9
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I can't believe I'm taking sexual advice from Ted Mosby.
That's like taking fashion advice from... well, Ted Mosby.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 3
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How do you keep a girl from becoming your girlfriend?
1. Never get them wet. In other words, don't let her take a shower at your place.
2. Keep them away from sunlight - i. e. don't ever see them during the day.
3. Never feed them after midnight. Meaning she doesn't sleep over and you don't have breakfast.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 1
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When will you guys realize, that the only difference between my real life and a p0rn0 is, my real life has better lighting?

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 23
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What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?
You can't peanut butter your dick up someone's ass.

PunsBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 20
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Ted, honey, I want you to go outside and bite the curb. I'll be out in a minute.

Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 16
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You have just become victims of the cheerleader-effect. Glad you asked: The cheerleader-effect is when a group of women seems hot, but only as a group. Just like with cheerleaders. They seem hot, but take each one of them individually? Sled dogs!

CheerleadersBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 4 Episode 7
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Ted: "You know what else is getting cleaned, along with that cup-cake tray? My conscience!"
Victoria: "You got anything else to atone for? My oven needs cleaning."

Victoria in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 3
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Ted: "We can do it against the door. It will be hot. It will be like a three-way: you, me and the door."
Stella: "Yeah, but then it's going to be weird between me and the door tomorrow."

Stella Zinman in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 18
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So Robin? Guess who nailed the chick from "Metro News One" last night!

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 17
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Barney: "Tell me more. Tell me more. Like did he have a car?"
Marshall: "So is he the guy who... how shall I say this like a gentleman? Robin, did he take your maple leaf?"
Barney: "Sounds to me like he gave you your first 'O Canada' face!"

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 16
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Ted: "Do not pretend you're not the kind of guy, who keeps a list of all the girls he slept with."
Marshall: "I have one. It's called my marriage-license."

WeddingsMarshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 14
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Barney: "Ted, I'm gonna teach you how to live. Barney... we met at the urinal. Lesson 1: Loose the goatee it doesn't go with your suit!"
Ted: "I'm not wearing a suit."
Barney: "Lesson 2: Get a suit, suits are cool. Exhibit A. Lesson 3: "Don't even think about getting married until your 30."

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 1
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Barney: "You can't spell 'game' without 'me' and 'me' has the best game."
Ted: "Yeah well, I got so much game, I'm Cornish game hen."
Barney: "Oh, yeah? I'm the New York State gaming commissioner."
Ted: "Well, I'm The Game. Well-crafted, keep-you-guessing thriller starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn."

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 4
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Do not tell me you're gonna start searching for "the one" again. The only time I wanna hear you saying "the one", is if it's followed by the word "hundred".

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 22
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Ted: "Okay, time to get the horn back to the bistro."
Robin: "Oh Ted, I don't know if I can go again, that tuckered me out."
Ted: "No euphemism."

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 22
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Get ready, Cleveland. The last man to screw you that hard and then disappear, was LeBron James!

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 1
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Lily: "Whenever we board a flight, you lick the plane!"
Marshall: "Have we crashed even once?"

SuperstitionMarshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 1
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The only person on earth, who loves Ted Mosby more than Marshall Eriksen, is drunk Marshall Eriksen!

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 1
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Your car's gonna be fine, this is the best auto-shop around. Look at this certificate, one of the mechanics here...
[reads the certificate]
...finished a 64 ounce steak.

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 17
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Lily: "We'll all have a wedding dress camp-out. It'll be fun!"
Barney: "I can't go. I've got this thing."
Lily: "What thing?"
Barney: "A penis!"

PenissesBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 15
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I'm going out of this world the same way I came into it: Buck-naked. Yeah. It's gonna be awesome. Open bar for the guys, open casket for the ladies. What up?

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 14
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Ted: "Robin! I just had a great idea!"
Robin: "Oh, do whatever you want to me, just don't wake me up."

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 13
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Robin: "You mean the whiny, bottomless pit of neediness? He was bugging me so I spiked his echinacea tea with codeine."
Ted: "You would be a great mom."

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 11
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Ted: "Grinch, Grinch, Grinch, Grinch!"
[The lights turn out]
Lily: "Happy? Now you pissed up the big guy upstairs!"
Ted: "Yeah, I'm sure god cares if I..."
Man: "You use that language again and I turn off your water!"
Lily: "It's my super - he lives above me."

Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 11
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Ted: "I could end up marrying this woman; I want our first kiss to be special."
Lily: "Oh, that's sweet. So you chickened out like a little bitch?"

Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother
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Barney: "On your tombstone, it will be, 'Lily Aldrin. Caring wife. Loving friend. Slapbet-Commissioner.'"
Marshall: "And your tombstone will read, 'Got slapped by Marhsall so hard he died.'"

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 9
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Ted: "You're scared of the seven dwarves?"
Robin: "Just of Doc. He's creepy... I mean, the guy went to medical school, what is he doing living with six coalminers."

DwarfesRobin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 9
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You don't bring a date to a wedding, that's like taking a deer carcass on a hunting trip.

HuntingBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother
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Robin, I'm his best friend, that's a commitment. Girlfriend, that's like a bad flu. Out of your system after a couple of weeks in bed.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 3
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Ted: "Oh hey, where are you guys?"
Barney: "We're in a fundraiser, helping young women raise money for community college."
Ted: "Stripclub... nice!"

CollegeBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 1
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Any time, a girl wants to get back at her ex-bodyfriends, we'll be there.
Any time, a girl wants to solve her father-issues through promiscuity and binge drinking we will be there.
Any time a bachelorette party drives through the city in a limo, sticking their heads out the sunroof, shouting 'what's up New York?', we will be what is 'up' New York!

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 1
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In my body, where the shame gland should be, there is a second awesome gland. True story!

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 13
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Lily: "Your job is very simple. At the wedding, do not sleep with anyone even remotely related to me."
Barney: "Yeah. Lily, you know I can't promise that"

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 20
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Lily: "I can't believe I unloaded like that on a high-school senior."
Robin: "I can't believe a high-school senior unloaded like that on me."

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 20
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When you meet someone special, suddenly life is full of firsts: The first kiss, the first night together, the first weekend together.

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 14
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A drum roll?! That's it? So what, you just said good night, came home and... performed a drum solo?

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 13
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Barney: "Wow, Ted. You're gonna have to find a new member for yourself, cause I'm revoking your dude-membership."
Ted: "Yeah, how was that manicure yesterday?"
Barney: "Invigorating... thanks."

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 12
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Marshall: "Yes, i want a ball-room and I want a band and I want shoes. I've been dreaming about this day since I was... like...
Lily: "...a little girl?"

Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 12
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There's three rules of cheating:
1st: It's not cheating if you're not the one who's married.
2nd: It's not cheating if her name has two adjacent vowels.
3rd: And it's not cheating if she's from a different area code. You're fine on all three counts.

CheatingBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 12
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Long distance is a lie teenagers tell each other to get laid the summer before college.

College, Long-Distance Relationships, TeenagersTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 16
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How to run a marathon: Step one, you start running. There is no step two.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 15
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Every Halloween I bring a spare costume. In case I strike out with the hottest girl at the party. That way I have a second chance to make a first impression.

HalloweenBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 6
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I mean she just walked out. At least when I walk out on a girl I have the common courtesy to sleep with her first. It's called manners!

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 5 Episode 17
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I am not "with" Nora. Wrong Preposition! Later tonight I'm hoping to be "on" Nora, right? Or "under" Nora. Am I right? Or, we're all adults, so I'll just say it: "behind" Nora.

SexBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 18
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If I got serious with Nora, it would be like if Mother Teresa focused all her attention on one really hot orphan. With great penis comes great responsibility.

PenissesBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 17
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Sex now, we'll do the foreplay after.

SexLily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 17
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So that's it? A couple of white Urkels offer you sausages and you're gone?

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 16
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