The best Quotes from How I Met Your Mother (Page 4)

Barney: 'I'm dating a stripper.'
Ted: 'Yes, I've seen your bus ad.'

From here on in, every single night of our lives will be a night, we'll never forget. Starting tonight!
- The night we started a Mariachi Band!
- The night we ate everything on the menu!
- The night we brought a horse into the bar!
- The night we bungee-jumped off the Statue of Liberty!
- The night we stole a mummy from the Natural History Museum!
- The night we partied with the mole people
- The night we tracked down Phil Collins, became best friends with him, and talked him into reuniting with Peter Gabriel, and then we got to sing back-up on the new Genesis album and it was awesome!
- The night we stole a camel!
- The night you got locked out in your pajamas and Robin landed a freakin' helicopter and there's still time to reunite Genesis!

Marshall: 'Lily dream-banged someone we know.'
Barney: 'Okay, you caught me vermilion-handed. The truth is, I've spent the last five years trying to inception your wife.'
Marshall: 'That movie only came out two years ago.'
Barney: 'What movie?'

Marshall: 'All pregnant ladies have crazy sex dreams. It's just her hormones going berserk.'
Barney: 'So who's responsible for her rapid thigh movement this time?'
Ted: 'Oh, my favorite was when she banged George Washington.'
Barney: 'I liked the three-way with Bill Cosby and Papa Smurf.'
Ted: 'Oh, he smurfed the smurf out of her.'
Marshall: 'Yes, while The Cos smurfed off in the corner - we all remember.'

People make fun of the guy who stays at home every night doing nothing, but the truth is that guy is a genius.

Every night can't be legendary. If all nights are legendary, no nights are legendary!

If there was any shame in a dude getting a pedicure I don't think there would've been a feature about it in Details magazine.

Ted, every little boy wants to grow up to nail the doctor, or the lawyer. Somebody's gotta nail the receptionist.

Kids, that was the one time I ever lost faith in the idea that my life would be better in three years. And what's funny is, three years from that moment, my life was amazing.

For the first time in my life, I don't want to find myself in three years with some random girl. No matter how many boobs she has.

Robin: 'Barney, I am not ready for them to find out about us.'
Barney: 'Then you're gonna have to stay in there for the entire trilogy. Don't worry, it's only 382 minutes.'
Robin: 'Nerd!'

Back boobs! The visual stimulation of missionary meets the emotional detachment of doggy style... patent pending.

I'm KFC baby - you don't mess with the Colonel's recipe!

Ted: 'Every three years we sit down and Tril' it up big time, agreed?'
Marshall: 'Agreed-o!'

Marshall: 'Dude, if we fail this econ final, for the rest of our lives we're not gonna be able to... we won't know how to... do you even know what 'econ' is?'
Ted: 'No idea. We're screwed.'

Here are a few fun facts about Long Island... Number 1: It's Brooklyn's fart-trail.

Usually after a sandwich, I feel paranoid, but I'm not. WHY AM I NOT BEING PARANOID??

Fine I'll fill her in and I am so angry I am not even goin' to make a joke about 'filling her in'... which I did three times last night. Self-five!

Ted: 'Luckily, you are friends with a former Boy Scout and a Boy Scout is always what?'
Robin: 'Unpopular?'
Lily: 'Beaten up?'
Barney: 'Going to the movies with his mom?'
Ted: 'A Boy Scout is always prepared...'
Robin: '...prepared to spend lunch in his locker?'
Marshall: '...prepared to die a virgin?'
Barney: '...prepared to paint his sister's nails?'

Ted: 'In a city of eight million people, you happened to walk into the club where she works? Maybe it's destiny.'
Barney: 'No, Destiny strips at 'The Melon Patch'. They're people, Ted. Try to keep them straight!'

Which meant for the first time in years, the world was wide open. Because kids, when a door closes... well, you know the rest.

Kids, sometimes you realize, the journey you've been taking has reached its final stop. So, the question becomes: Where do you go next?

Damn it, Ted! I was about to drop some sweet word play about logarithms and getting into a rhythm with my log.

Kevin: 'Well, it's a close one. Lily made 14 awkward references to marriage and Marshall made an even 60.'
Robin: 'I'm so sorry, Kevin.'
Kevin: 'It's okay. I'm gonna go to bed, but you guys think tomorrow we can stop with all the marriage talk?'
Lily: 'I do.'
Marshall: 'I do.'
Kevin: 'That's a half a point each.'

Ted: 'Oh, screw 'The One'!'
Barney: 'What?'
Ted: 'Every date I've been on lately has been brutal. Last week, I went out with a girl whose favorite band was Glee. Plus, it's almost Valentine's Day and I'm alone without anything close to a girlfriend. So... all aboard!'
Barney: 'I have never been more proud of you.'

It's 'The Little Engine with Wood', 'The Whore-ient Express', 'The Long Island Tail Road'!

Lily: 'Sorry this is taking so long. He kicked for everybody else.'
Marshall: 'It's hard for the little guy to perform under pressure.'
Barney: 'Top ten things Marshall said on his wedding night.'
Kevin: 'Wow! It was small, but I think I felt something.'
Robin: 'Top ten things Lily said on her wedding night.'

Ted: 'You know Robin? Been thinking about it. Guess it's kind of nice you're such a bad-ass.'
Robin: 'It's pretty bad-ass you're so nice, Ted.'

Robin: 'She was gonna get the last kugel.'
Ted: 'She was 90 years old. It was probably gonna be her last kugel.'

Robin: 'Sometimes in life you have to be assertive and stand up for yourself.'
Ted: 'You called her a whore!'
Robin: 'Who wears that much make up?'
Ted: 'Old ladies!'
Robin: 'Who take money for sex, exactly!'

Would the five of us always live within a few minutes of that booth? No, that's life, kids, but here's what I discovered: Our booth was wherever the five of us were together.

Lily, I think we made a mistake moving out to the suburbs. I miss our home. I miss our booth with our friends. And I'm pretty sure I have a drumstick... somewhere bad.

Marshall: 'The last time I lived this far from him, was my semester abroad.'
Lily: 'You never did a semester abroad?'
Marshall: 'That's what I called it, when we lived on opposite sides of the campus.'

Yes! Tonight is gonna be Legen... wait, are we sure it's a good idea to go to a strip club? Shut up, Lily! I'm in charge now... Dary!

Ted: 'Barney! I'm allowed to miss them, okay? They're my two best friends.'
Barney: 'I'm your two best friends!'

Hey look, it's the New York City skyline.
We built Chip City... we built Chip City on all your dough!

Sandy Rivers: 'I don't know what went wrong.'
Robin: 'Well, proposing a three way was bad. Starting without us was worse. Finishing in the hallway was the nail in the coffin.'

So you're pregnant? Huh, looks like nobody told your boobs.

Robin: 'I wouldn't go to Cleveland for 125 million dollars, paid over six years.'
Ted: 'Still with the LeBron jokes? Where's that ring he's supposed to have by now?'

If we're together long enough I hope that one day you see yourself like I do.

Robin: 'I'm such a mess. Why do you even like me?'
Barney: 'I guess cause you're almost as messed up as I am.'

Think of the pickup plays we can run as a father-son duo. There's the 'Father Knows Breast', there's the 'Bush Dynasty', the 'Lick Father, Lick Son'.

You could help a friend, but instead you're choosing the hot girl in the tight tank-top. Your training is complete, I'm so proud of this kid!

Lily, you just gave those children a stapler, a pair of sharp scissors and a pretty decent Pinot Noir.

Ted: 'First it was too much eye-contact, then not enough - where do you look during sex?'
Barney: 'Into the hidden camera at future me, watching it.'

Hey kid, you know how your mom won't let you have icecream 'til after dinner, but then the waiting kind of makes it taste better? Well, I've been waiting two months for that bowl of ice cream - and tonight I'm gonna have sex with it.

The Pork Authority is closed. Looks like it's Hand Central Station for you little buddy.

We just don't wanna rush anything, okay? We decided to wait, until she decides to let me have sex with her.

Your heart's talking to you, Barney. Do you have the guts to listen to it?

Doctor: 'Don't worry, it's totally safe. Unless part of your big date involves connecting yourself to a car battery.'
Barney: 'Well, now it doesn't.'