The best Quotes from How I Met Your Mother (Page 4)

Eventually, Nick's groin will heal and you'll be back in Sexville, where all the crossword puzzles only have one box to fill.

Ted: "It's the Drunk Train! You crossed out all the stops and wrote Vagina-Ville."
Barney: "That's not true. That one says Boner Gardens."

Robin: "Can you guys keep a secret?"
Lily: "Yeah."
Marshall: "Well, some of us can..."

You've been a hell of a wingman. And even though I think it's kind of gross when you pleasure yourself orally, don't ever think that means I'm not impressed.

Ted: "So this is what you guys do? You invite other couples over for dinner, to judge them and feel superior?"
Lily: "Oh, grow up, Ted, that's why any couple invites anyone over ever!"

Ted: "Why wouldn't she just come right out and say what she wants?"
Marshall: "Men. It's like, if there weren't pickle jars to open and spiders to kill and computers to back up, what would be their point?"
Lily: "Mmh-hmm!"
Ted: "Okay, when did Marshall become a slightly more feminine you?"

I've got a new bro, a bro that puts all other bros to shame. The bitches love him. He buries bones all day. No one chases tail like him. Why aren't you guys laughing? Oh, wait, I probably should have led with this: he's a dog! I've named him Brover.

I know this hurts little buddy, but you'll love again someday. Because time will heal a broken heart, but not that bitch's window.

Bro, bro, bro your broat, gently to the bar
Hit on sluts, then do ten shots and...

Bro McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-bro
And on that farm he had some chicks, E-I-E-I-bro
With a hot chick here and a dumb chick there...

Run the montage of people who died this year until I get back and add Sandy, because when I find him, I'm gonna kill him.

The big bro in the sky had answered my prayers. Allmighty five!

Mrs. Buckminster was a spoonful of sugar. But so far, everyone we can afford on this website HeyNannyNanny.com is "Scary Poppins".

Marshall: "Are you sure this poo-poo didn't happen on your watch and you just ran out the clock until it was my problem?"
Lily: "Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, right. What kind of mother lets her son sit in his own filth for an extra nine minutes and 42 seconds?"

It's probably his... I've spent years, training my boys to swim the other way.

Robin: "I'm pregnant."
Barney: "Are you sure you're not just getting fat?"

Quinn: "In the event of divorce, Miss Garvey shall get full custody of Mr. Stinson's suits."
Barney: "Why? What would you do with them?"
Quinn: "Nothing. I'd just sit around and watch them go out of style."

Miss Garvey's parents may stay at our place as long as they like. Provided they each arrive in an urn.

Ted: "The road to this day has had a few twists and turns, hasn't it?"
Marshall: "Yeah... just a few. In a weird way, it all makes sense though, doesn't it?"

Barney: "The Disappearing Salami... Mr. Flanagan's wife shot him before he could ever tell me what the trick was."
Quinn: "Yeah, that guy was banging your mom!"

I hired a decorator and I asked him: "What would the inside of Tinkerbell's vagina look like?"
And the kid just ran with it!

Ted: "Victoria was great."
Robin: "Exactly, and you threw it all away to chase after some hot piece of ass."
Ted: "You mean you?"
Robin: "Thank you!"

We're going to Buffalo... and I've seen women from there; the city's aptly named.

Ted: "Uh, the time Lily went into labor!"
Lily: "That's now!"
Ted: "Sorry, I'm running out of stories."

Robin: "That was not cool, Ted."
Lily: "Contraction!"
Robin: "That wasn't cool, Ted?"

Oh, we're busting apple bags? I can bust apple bags.

When I was 13, my father caught me kissing a boy, so he sent me to our family's ranch for foaling season. Once you see a baby horse erupt through that birth canal, you stop even touching yourself!

Ted it's fine, I'm a child of divorce. You guys keep fighting all you want - as long as the expensive gifts keep coming.

From here on in, every single night of our lives will be a night, we'll never forget. Starting tonight!
- The night we started a Mariachi Band!
- The night we ate everything on the menu!
- The night we brought a horse into the bar!
- The night we bungee-jumped off the Statue of Liberty!
- The night we stole a mummy from the Natural History Museum!
- The night we partied with the mole people
- The night we tracked down Phil Collins, became best friends with him, and talked him into reuniting with Peter Gabriel, and then we got to sing back-up on the new Genesis album and it was awesome!
- The night we stole a camel!
- The night you got locked out in your pajamas and Robin landed a freakin' helicopter and there's still time to reunite Genesis!

Ted, every little boy wants to grow up to nail the doctor, or the lawyer. Somebody's gotta nail the receptionist.

Robin: "Barney, I am not ready for them to find out about us."
Barney: "Then you're gonna have to stay in there for the entire trilogy. Don't worry, it's only 382 minutes."
Robin: "Nerd!"

Marshall: "Dude, if we fail this econ final, for the rest of our lives we're not gonna be able to... we won't know how to... do you even know what 'econ' is?"
Ted: "No idea. We're screwed."

Ted: "Luckily, you are friends with a former Boy Scout and a Boy Scout is always what?"
Robin: "Unpopular?"
Lily: "Beaten up?"
Barney: "Going to the movies with his mom?"
Ted: "A Boy Scout is always prepared..."
Robin: "...prepared to spend lunch in his locker?"
Marshall: "...prepared to die a virgin?"
Barney: "...prepared to paint his sister's nails?"

Damn it, Ted! I was about to drop some sweet word play about logarithms and getting into a rhythm with my log.

It's "The Little Engine with Wood", "The Whore-ient Express", "The Long Island Tail Road"!

Marshall: "The last time I lived this far from him, was my semester abroad."
Lily: "You never did a semester abroad?"
Marshall: "That's what I called it, when we lived on opposite sides of the campus."

So you're pregnant? Huh, looks like nobody told your boobs.

Ted: "First it was too much eye-contact, then not enough - where do you look during sex?"
Barney: "Into the hidden camera at future me, watching it."

Hey kid, you know how your mom won't let you have icecream 'til after dinner, but then the waiting kind of makes it taste better? Well, I've been waiting two months for that bowl of ice cream - and tonight I'm gonna have sex with it.

We just don't wanna rush anything, okay? We decided to wait, until she decides to let me have sex with her.

Doctor: "Don't worry, it's totally safe. Unless part of your big date involves connecting yourself to a car battery."
Barney: "Well, now it doesn't."

Barney: "I cannot stop staring at that girl's face."
Ted: "Face, huh? That's your weirdest nickname for boobs yet."

That girl was just crying. She's so sad and defenseless... anyone have a condom?

Dinner's a very intimate activity. It requires a level of connection and eye contact, that sex just doesn't. Call me old-fashioned, but I need to have sex with a girl at least three times before I'll even consider having dinner with her.

Lily: "A big package just arrived."
Marshall: "Yeah, it did."
Lily: "No, no. It's a real package from your dad."
Marshall: "Well, that's a little weird, but yeah, it is."

So you're the therapist. You know it's one thing to pretend to be a shrink and bang your patients, that's normal. But to do it for real? Little creepy bro.

I'm growing a child in my belly, a child that just developed ears, and it's a very thin sweater. So, please, if you must tell your story, just make it cheerful.

Marshall Eriksen, put a baby in my belly.

Barney: "I had a drinking game based on Robin. But it was actually ON Robin: I'd pour peach schnapps in her belly button..."
Ted: "Dude, we agreed we wouldn't do this."
Barney: "Sorry. You're right. She didn't like it anyway. Said it woke her up."

Even if I meet the girl of my dreams right the second, I'm still one night and nine months away, from having a family on my own. And that's assuming the mother of my childern is just a huge slut.