The best Quotes from How I Met Your Mother (Page 3)

How I Met Your Mother is a US tv-series. The quotes from the main characters Ted Mosby, Barney Stinson, Robin Scherbatsky, Lily Aldrin and Marshall Eriksen make the series legendary.

Right now, the ninth season of How I Met Your Mother is running on CBS.

The best Quotes from How I Met Your Mother
Quotes 101 to 150 of 448123456789

I know this hurts little buddy, but you'll love again someday. Because time will heal a broken heart, but not that bitch's window.

Breakup & LovesickBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 4
 
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Ted: 'Those Robin's boobies?'
Barney: 'When new nubile hotties lean in to inspect your bundle of joy, you can inspect their bundles of joy. The Broller. God, I come up with a lot of good stuff!'

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 4
 
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The boobs on the bus go up and down, up and down, up and down
The boobs on the bus go up and down, all through the town

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 4
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Bro, bro, bro your broat, gently to the bar
Hit on sluts, then do ten shots and...

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 4
 
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Bro McDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-bro
And on that farm he had some chicks, E-I-E-I-bro
With a hot chick here and a dumb chick there...

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 4
 
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Ted: 'You know, as your best friend, if called upon, I'd be honored to raise Marvin.'
Robin: 'If you want him to be raised by his underwear on a flagpole, Ted's your guy. If you want him pulling the chord on some other nerd's panties, I'm your guy.'
Barney: 'I'll teach that kid how to be awesome in ways you and Lily never could. It's going to be legend- wait for it... no, I won't wait for it and neither should little baby Marvin, so maybe it's better if you two just die right now... -dary!'

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 4
 
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It is so nice to be out in the fresh air. You smell that? That's the smell of urine that isn't Marvin's.

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 4
 
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Run the montage of people who died this year until I get back and add Sandy, because when I find him, I'm gonna kill him.

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 13
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The big bro in the sky had answered my prayers. Allmighty five!

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 3
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Mrs. Buckminster was a spoonful of sugar. But so far, everyone we can afford on this website HeyNannyNanny.com is 'Scary Poppins'.

Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 3
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Marshall: 'Are you sure this poo-poo didn't happen on your watch and you just ran out the clock until it was my problem?'
Lily: 'Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, right. What kind of mother lets her son sit in his own filth for an extra nine minutes and 42 seconds?'

Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 3
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It's probably his... I've spent years, training my boys to swim the other way.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 12
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Robin: 'I'm pregnant.'
Barney: 'Are you sure you're not just getting fat?'

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 12
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Quinn: 'In the event of divorce, Miss Garvey shall get full custody of Mr. Stinson's suits.'
Barney: 'Why? What would you do with them?'
Quinn: 'Nothing. I'd just sit around and watch them go out of style.'

Quinn Garvey in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 2
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Miss Garvey's parents may stay at our place as long as they like. Provided they each arrive in an urn.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 2
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Quinn: 'I have to pay $2,000 every time I gain a pound?'
Barney: 'Not every time. Just if it shows up at the weekly weigh-in.'

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 2
 
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Seven years ago when Marshall and Lily got engaged Ted saw Robin across a crowded room and I said 'oh yeah you just know she likes it dirty', but Ted really liked her, so we played 'Have You met Ted?' They went to dinner, he walked her home, should have kissed her, didn't - lame.
So he stole the Smurf penis, went back to her place, should have kissed her, didn't - lame.
He threw three parties, they kissed on the roof but decided to be friends - lame.
Then Ted wanted to take Robin to a wedding, she couldn't go, he went alone and met Victoria. Didn't kiss her either - lame.
Not a great closer Ted. Then he finally kissed her, they started dating, she went to Germany. Ted kissed Robin, lost Victoria, Ted did a rain dance, got Robin. Ted and Robin broke up, Robin moved to Brazil came back with a Latin stud.
Ted got jealous, got a tramp stamp, not really relevant to the story I just like mentioning it as much as possible. I hooked up with Robin, Ted and I stopped being friends, Ted got hit by a bus, we made up... Robin and I started dating and I got fat, her hair fell out, we broke up. Robin dated Don, I dated Nora. I cheated on her with Robin, I dumped Nora. Robin dated Kevin but not for long and then I met you and you took my Grandpa's watch, but I fell in love with you anyway and you let me fart in front of you and I asked you to marry me and you said 'yes', so we came over here to meet little Marvin and that's everything. Also I went on the Price Is Right and I won a dune buggy.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 1
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Ted: 'When you leave someone at the altar, you always leave a note. It's common courtesy.'
Victoria: 'I think common courtesy went out the window when I did.'

Victoria in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 1
 
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Hey, it's me again. Look, who are we kidding? You and I are both attracted to each other. We're young, we're drunk, half of us anyway. And we only get one life, so why don't you come over to my apartment and we'll think of something stupid to do together?

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 10
 
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Ted: 'The road to this day has had a few twists and turns, hasn't it?'
Marshall: 'Yeah... just a few. In a weird way, it all makes sense though, doesn't it?'

Fate & DestinyMarshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 24
 
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Barney: 'Canada sucks.'
Robin: 'Okay, well, you're one-quarter Canadian, so by that logic you one-quarter suck!'
Barney: 'I'm 100% awesome and you know it!'
Robin: 'Yeah, I do.'

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 24
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Airport Security: 'How did you get that through the X-Ray machine?'
Barney: 'No questions from the audience, please!'

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 24
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Let's hit a motel, jam in a quickie and get you back to your wedding.

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 24
 
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If we miss Hawaii because of this, guess who's not doing 'The Disappearing Salami' anytime soon?

Quinn Garvey in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 24
 
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Barney: 'The Disappearing Salami... Mr. Flanagan's wife shot him before he could ever tell me what the trick was.'
Quinn: 'Yeah, that guy was banging your mom!'

Quinn Garvey in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 24
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Destined? Aren't you tired of waiting for destiny, Ted? Isn't it time to make your own destiny?

Fate & DestinyRobin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 24
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I hired a decorator and I asked him: 'What would the inside of Tinkerbell's vagina look like?'
And the kid just ran with it!

Quinn Garvey in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 24
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Ted: 'Victoria was great.'
Robin: 'Exactly, and you threw it all away to chase after some hot piece of ass.'
Ted: 'You mean you?'
Robin: 'Thank you!'

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 24
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This guy he's done everything right. He's been loving and devoted since he was 18 years old. There are only a few truly great people on this planet and he is one of them.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 23
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We're going to Buffalo... and I've seen women from there; the city's aptly named.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 23
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Kids, sometimes the universe sends exactly what you ask for. Other times... it sends Lily's dad.

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 23
 
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The baby slide right out, huh? It's like a 'whoosh', like a waterslide. [Lily screaming] Slightly painful waterslide.

Dr. Sonya in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 23
 
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If you don't push, I will shove that baby up your throat and pull it out of your mouth!

Dr. Sonya in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 23
 
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Ted: 'Uh, the time Lily went into labor!'
Lily: 'That's now!'
Ted: 'Sorry, I'm running out of stories.'

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 23
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Robin: 'That was not cool, Ted.'
Lily: 'Contraction!'
Robin: 'That wasn't cool, Ted?'

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 23
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Oh, we're busting apple bags? I can bust apple bags.

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 23
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Barney: 'Let me choose your child's middle name! Because I have thought up the most awesome name of all time.'
Marshall: 'What's the middle name?'
Barney: 'Wait for it.'
Marshall: 'I'm waiting.'
Barney: 'Wait for it.'
Marshall: 'I said I'm waiting.'
Barney: 'Wait for it.'
Marshall: 'What's the middle name?'
Barney: 'No, the middle name is 'Wait For It'. Let's say his first name is, oh, I don't know, 'Barney'. He'd be Barney 'Wait For It' Eriksen. How awesome is that?'

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 23
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When I was 13, my father caught me kissing a boy, so he sent me to our family's ranch for foaling season. Once you see a baby horse erupt through that birth canal, you stop even touching yourself!

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 23
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Oh, come on. If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 19
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Baby, can we grow sandwiches behind the garage?

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 5
 
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Looks like somebody suffered from premature slapulation.

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 9
 
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I think my soul just threw up a little bit.

Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 10
 
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When Barney overhears that Ted and Robin have a secret to reveal at the wedding reception, he begins to guess what it might be.

Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 22
 
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Barney: 'How's the single life?'
Ted: 'I wouldn't know. After this whole Robin thing, I'm laying low.'
Barney: 'Laying low as in sleeping with a really short chick? You guys doing thirty-nine?'

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 22
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I know our relationship isn't exactly what you want it to be. And I know I may not love you the way you love me, but I DO love you. Isn't that worth hanging on to?

Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 22
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Marshall: 'Excuse me, miss. When you get a chance, could you bring over a hundred shots of tequila please?'
Barney: 'I'll have the same.'

Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 22
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You give me one hour of phone-free bro time, during which we, and by we I mean you, get magnificently, mythologically drunk. I'm talking needing-subtitles-when-you-speak drunk.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 22
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Quinn: 'What is an executive strategy coordinator?'
Barney: 'It's three corporate-sounding words which, when added together, equal a fake job for which you get a real paycheck.'

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 22
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Barney: 'I scoured the dating sites, using my own personal logarithms, factoring in a broad spectrum of variables, filtering out undesirable high-risk negatives, guaranteeing a success-rate of eighty-thr...'
Ted: '...you picked the girls that showed the most boob.'

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 22
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Ted it's fine, I'm a child of divorce. You guys keep fighting all you want - as long as the expensive gifts keep coming.

Gifts & PresentsLily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 22
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Quotes 101 to 150 of 448123456789

Characters from How I Met Your Mother