The best Quotes from How I Met Your Mother (Page 3)

Yes! Tonight is gonna be Legen... wait, are we sure it's a good idea to go to a strip club? Shut up, Lily! I'm in charge now... Dary!

Hey look, it's the New York City skyline.
We built Chip City... we built Chip City on all your dough!

Sandy Rivers: "I don't know what went wrong."
Robin: "Well, proposing a three way was bad. Starting without us was worse. Finishing in the hallway was the nail in the coffin."

Think of the pickup plays we can run as a father-son duo. There's the "Father Knows Breast", there's the "Bush Dynasty", the "Lick Father, Lick Son".

You could help a friend, but instead you're choosing the hot girl in the tight tank-top. Your training is complete, I'm so proud of this kid!

Judy: "Who got Cousin Daphne drunk? She is 15 years old."
Robin: "Whoa, they grow big out here."
Barney: "And here's your phone number back."

Ted: "Barney, I don't know if the oven is deep enough. Plus, it's a display made of cardboard."
Barney: "Huh. I should probably disconnect the gas."

Robin, girls are like cartons of milk. Each one has a hotness expiration date and you've hit yours. I'm not saying the occasional guy won't still open the fridge, pick you up, give a sniff, shrug and take a sip anyway, but it's all downhill from here.

Marshall: "During that time, I have been, how do I put this delicately, saving all my love for you."
Lily: "I have read eleven books on conception, I have cut out alcohol, caffeine and sugar. I take my temperature every hour. But good for you for not playing with yourself!"

Barney: "You have no reason to be nervous. And I'm going to tell you why in one word."
Ted: "And what's that word?"
Barney: "Dibs!"

There is only one street where that is normal. Here's a hint: A giant yellow bird lives on it.

Fine, you guys can have a baby, but only under these conditions:
1) You promise to always love me more than the baby.
2) Once a month, I get to use the baby to pick up chicks.
3) That may involve the baby falling from a two-story window and me heroically catching it.
4) No breast-feeding in front of me.
5) Forget about 4), you can whip 'em out whenever you want.

Robin: "Have plans with Don on Saturday, he's making me Chinese."
Lily: "I'll assume you're talking about food, otherwise, I have some follow-up-questions."

In commemoration of Barney's induction into the "Hall of Game", this tie, worn on the seventh night of his perfect week, is hereby retired.

What's in the box? What's in the box? WHAT'S IN THE BOX?
Right? Brad pitt? Seven?

Not only are you wrong... but you are belligerently sticking to your guns and insulting me in the process. Robin Scherbatsky, you are an American.

There's something between us. Maybe my head was saying, "nip it in the bud", because my heart was saying something else...

There's only three things you'll ever see me fight:
The stubborn clasp of a bra.
Sexual harassment charges - nine for nine!
And the urge to vomit when, I see someone wearing brown shoes with a black suit.

I have let you come wash my dishes. I said my oven needed cleaning, I invited you to a porno!

Kids, morals usually come at the end of stories, but this one is so important, I'm gonna tell you now. Don't ever, ever invite an ex to your wedding.

Robin: "I just finished a seven-day cleanse."
Marshall: "I thought you just started that yesterday."
Robin: "I finished early, okay?"

Robin: "Who wants hot-wings?"
Lily: "I'm in... or maybe we should just pour hot-sauce on Barney, since he's a total chicken."

Marshall: "The broken windows?"
Lily: "We had to make it look realistic."
Marshall: "But why did you break two of them?"
Robin: "It looked like fun when she did it, so I wanted to try."
Marshall: "I can't believe this whole time it was you guys; I've been blaming Really Tan Dancing Leotard guy."

Robin: "What? I am not keeping Mike on a hook!"
Ted: "You are Captain Hook!"
Robin: "Dude, I'm a girl, ok? Our girl parts are like a spider webs; sometimes you are gonna catch stuff you don't want."

When I have kids, and I tell them how I met their mother, I'm gonna tell them everything. The whole damn story.

Lily: "A swordfight? On Monday I'm gonna have to tell my kindergarten class, who I teach not to run with scissors, that my fiancé ran me through with a freakin' broadsword."
Marshall: "Well... just to be fair, it didn't go all the way through."
Lily: "I'm sorry, is this a discussion of the degree to which you stabbed me?"

When I rode home the next morning, the city looked the same. The people looked the same. It all looked the same. But it wasn't. In just one night, everything had changed.

Ted: "Do you have a cold?"
Barney: "I'm fine. My nose is just overflowing with awesome and I had to get some of it out."

Lily: "It's nine weeks 'til the wedding, at this point, I'd say yes to just about anything."
Barney: "Well..."
Lily: "No, Barney."

Kids, I'm going to tell you an incredible story, the story of how I met your mother.

Ted: "That beer looks a little flat."
Robin: "Yeah.. it's scotch."

You know what they say about relationships. Every waking moment's a battle.

Ted, I believe you and I met for a reason. It's like the universe was saying: "Hey Barney, there's this dude, he's pretty cool, but it's your job to make him awesome."

Barney: "Check it out, I made a little game."
Lottery Girl: "And tonight's lotto numbers are: 19..."
Barney: "...age you moved to New York after a photographer 'discovered' you at a food court and said he would get you into Vogue Magazine."
Lotto Girl: "53..."
Barney: "...number of semi-nude pictures he took of you before you realized he had no connection to Vogue Magazine."
Lotto Girl: "22..."
Barney: "...age you claim you are."
Lotto Girl: "31..."
Barney: "...age you actually are."
Lotto Girl: "45..."
Barney: "...number of minutes it would take me to get you into a cab, out of your dress and into my Jacuzzi."
Lotto Girl: "And tonight's Super Big Ball is..."
Barney: "...what happens after we get out of the Jacuzzi. What Up?!"

A lie is just a great story that someone ruined with the truth.

The "no more surprises"-thing is the best part of being married.

Barney: "Your challenge is accepted Lil, there is no girl too pretty
For I am Barney Stinson, Player King of New York City."
Ted: "You can't anoint yourself the king, just like that jerk, LeBron."
Barney: "He left the Cavs three years ago. Bro, give it up, move on."

I've been dreaming of that since I was five. Well, that and my own operational Death Star.

Lily: "I'm not paying for room service the hooker ordered."
Barney: "I've been there."

Lily: "Just be yourself. Say something nice."
Robin: "Which one? I can't do both."

This sacred text was eventually brought to the New World in 1776 by none other than Christopher Brolumbus. And that's why he got to bang Pocahontas.

My metabolism is all messed up. See, I can moose down a pint of fudge ripple for a midnight snack and wake up having lost weight. Well, everywhere except for my boobs. So annoying.

So, what do you want to do tonight? Drink ourselves blind, set a car on fire? Oh, watch a movie that doesn't start with a desk lamp jumping on top of a capital "I"?

Sounds like you guys need to 'Clear Everything,' 'Subtract' the negativity and 'Add' some perspective.

Turns out, when you projectile vomit on skates, you roll right into the spray.

I poured my blood, sweat and tears into that building. Though, to be fair, a lot of that happened the day I accidentally fell down the elevator shaft.

Marshall: "I was once with this chick, who liked to do hand stuff underneath a jacket, while we were all sitting around our favorite booth at MacLaren's."
Ted: "Gross."
Robin: "We share appetizers!"

Marshall: "Lily, you snooped through her stuff?"
Lily: "No, it's like the first thing you see when you jimmy open her desk-drawer with the letter opener her grandfather left her, according to her diary."

In this fall - this is tough. In this fall I'm going to take my talents to Mouth Beach.

Sticky's even sent me a boob-shaped hand-sanitizer dispenser. It's clean and dirty at the same time.