Turns out, when you projectile vomit on skates, you roll right into the spray.- Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 14
You're gonna get endless requests to play some game, that has something to do with gangsters and farming!- Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 13
Eight years ago I made an ass of myself chasing after you and I made an ass of myself chasing after you a bunch of times since then. And I have no regrets because it led me to something I wouldn't trade for the world, it led to you being my friend. So as your friend and a leading expert in the field of making an ass of yourself. I say to you, from the heart, get the hell out of this car!- Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 11
Robin: 'We're like sisters.'
Ted: 'You've never gotten through even one exchange without screaming at her.'
Robin: 'Sisters fight, Ted!'
It's nice that they found each other. Sometimes you fall for someone you'd never expect, but that doesn't make it wrong. Doesn't everyone deserve to be happy?- Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 10
Robin: 'He has a book of plays he uses to trick women into sleeping with him.'
Patrice: 'Oh, no way. Barney's my honey bear.'
Robin: 'Actually, one of his plays is called 'The Honey Bear'. He dresses up like Winnie the Pooh, and the next thing you know, his hand's stuck in your pot.'
Marshall: 'Can we borrow your air mattress? My mom's coming into town for a few days.'
Ted: 'Absolutely not!'
Lily: 'Bummer, I guess she can't stay with us. Hey, look what I just found! A list of hotels and other creative housing options.'
Marshall: 'Baby, my mom is not staying at a hotel. Or our storage unit.'
Come on Ted, it's 2012. What do you expect, to meet some cute travel agent when you're reading a newspaper at a bookstore? None of those things exist anymore!- Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 22
Marshall: 'It's kind of a big, professional meeting. You might want to trade out that lollipop for a shirt.'
Ted: 'Yeah. I'll just give it to one of these kids.'
Marshall: 'Oh, buddy. You're half naked, you're not a parent to any of these children. Don't offer 'em candy!'
I poured my blood, sweat and tears into that building. Though, to be fair, a lot of that happened the day I accidentally fell down the elevator shaft.- Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 9
Do it. If you ever want to see these boobs again, crawl, you son of a me.- Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 9
Ted: 'How was your day?'
Lily: 'Good, although I think I just saw a woman with a full-beard outside.'
Marshall: 'I think I just saw a guy with breasts outside.'
Barney: 'I am so sorry, Cornelius. You deserve a better end than this.'
Lily: 'You got ketchup on a red tie, you can't even see it!'
Are you aware, that breaking a broath can have deadly- even fatal repercussions?- Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 19
Marshall: 'I was once with this chick, who liked to do hand stuff underneath a jacket, while we were all sitting around our favorite booth at MacLaren's.'
Robin: 'We share appetizers!'
Marshall: 'Lily, you snooped through her stuff?'
Lily: 'No, it's like the first thing you see when you jimmy open her desk-drawer with the letter opener her grandfather left her, according to her diary.'
Marshall: 'Baby, you're like 20 slutty chicks all rolled into one.'
Lily: 'Sweet-talk is not gonna change my mind!'
By 'entertainment' they mean 'table-shuffle-board', Makramee classes and other non-stimulating activities which are only used in Manhatten to calm down drug-addicts and the criminaly insane.- Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 18
You know, it's funny. Almost every woman I've ever met was wrong to give me a chance. You're the first woman who's wrong not to.- Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 18
Neither one of us are gonna say, 'Hey, how's it going?' or 'Good to see you!'
Because it really will be good to see you.
The biggest case of my life and I'd already lost the jury. I mean, I've heard of 'Twelve Angry Men', but this was more like 'Twelve Horny Women'.- Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 8
Ted: 'Want to know what I looked like at age 15? There it is.'
Robin: 'I don't get it, that guy wasn't masturbating.'
Barney: 'Yeah, and the waistband of his undies wasn't pulled up to his Cub Scouts neckerchief.'
When you do one good deed, it creates a ripple effect. One good deed leads to another and another.- Marshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 8
Kids, Robin and Barney had recently shared an awkward moment. After that, they did what any two mature adults would do: They pretended it never happened.- Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 8
In this fall - this is tough. In this fall I'm going to take my talents to Mouth Beach.- Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 7
Marshall, you being 18 isn't a bad thing. It just means you get to spend even more of your life with her.- Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 7
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
B-Dawg, Barn Door, Stinson-natti, Bro-hio! Talk to me, how's it hangin'?- Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 7
Sticky's even sent me a boob-shaped hand-sanitizer dispenser. It's clean and dirty at the same time.- Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 7
Nick: 'So, I went to this fortune teller today and she said there was a curse on me.'
Robin: 'Did she sell you something to ward off the curse?'
Nick: 'It's like you're a fortune teller, too.'
This woman has a hold on my heart that I could not break if I wanted to, and there have been times that I wanted to.
It has been overwhelming and humbling and even painful at times, but I could not stop loving her any more than I could stop breathing.
Barney: 'Before you know it, you'll be marrying a man who once ate a vanilla-scented candle!'
Robin: 'That was on me. I shouldn't have left it in the kitchen. Though, it was lit. Man, he dumb.'
Robin: 'I don't know if we should keep seeing each other.'
Nick: 'You want to start turning off the lights during sex?'
Robin: 'No. God, no. No! I am just worried that, as a couple, we're not working out.'
Nick: 'You want to start going to the gym together?'
Ted: 'Basketball, people don't realize, is all geometry, physics and engineering. If you think like an architect, you could win a thousand games without ever touching a ball.'
Barney: 'What happened to your ball?'
Ted: 'Some kids from the Hebrew school next door took it and wouldn't give it back.'
Eventually, Nick's groin will heal and you'll be back in Sexville, where all the crossword puzzles only have one box to fill.- Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 6
Ted: 'Our point guard's a 52-year-old virgin, happy as a clam.'
Barney: 'I'm sure he's quite a ball handler.'
Ted: 'It's the Drunk Train! You crossed out all the stops and wrote Vagina-Ville.'
Barney: 'That's not true. That one says Boner Gardens.'
Robin: 'Can you guys keep a secret?'
Marshall: 'Well, some of us can...'
As fun as this place is, it's late. So, what's our play? And don't say, 'The Siamese Twins', we're not stretching out another one of my jackets!- Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 16
It's not what you think, he just wants to have sex. Kidding. Just a little hand stuff. Ha, kidding again. Ted's more of a boob man. I seriously can't stop.- Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 5
Barney: 'I love how she was this wise, old, chilled out, lesbian farmer.'
Robin: 'No, no, no. She's not a lesbian, nor does she farm them. No, that woman she lives with, that's just her special friend Maureen. They've lived together for... Oh!'
You've been a hell of a wingman. And even though I think it's kind of gross when you pleasure yourself orally, don't ever think that means I'm not impressed.- Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 5
Ted: 'As a kid, I was known as a bit of a detective. In fact, when my friend's retainer went missing, the Mosby Boys were put on the case, and it was...'
Victoria: 'The retainer was in the garbage. The Mosby Boys were you, your sister, and a neighborhood squirrel you thought you had tamed.'
Ted: 'I can't believe Squirrel-lock Holmes turned on us like that, eight weeks of training down the drain.'
Ted: 'So this is what you guys do? You invite other couples over for dinner, to judge them and feel superior?'
Lily: 'Oh, grow up, Ted, that's why any couple invites anyone over ever!'
We're cosigning birthday cards, we got toothbrushes at each other's places, foreplay's out the window. I'm in, I'm out, I'm sleeping - it's great.- Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 5
Ted: 'Why wouldn't she just come right out and say what she wants?'
Marshall: 'Men. It's like, if there weren't pickle jars to open and spiders to kill and computers to back up, what would be their point?'
Ted: 'Okay, when did Marshall become a slightly more feminine you?'
I've got a new bro, a bro that puts all other bros to shame. The bitches love him. He buries bones all day. No one chases tail like him. Why aren't you guys laughing? Oh, wait, I probably should have led with this: he's a dog! I've named him Brover.- Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 5
Judging from how many clients that hooker has serviced, I'd say we've been here almost an hour.- Robin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 14