Ted: "You name a chubby white kid LeBron and he's the one getting stuffed in the basketball hoop."
Marshall: "Then I'm also crossing off Shaquille, Hakeem and Dikembe."
There's something that I need to ask you and I want you to be honest with me. Why do white people like Carrot Top?Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 6 Episode 2
Robin: "Ted, are you acting out the last scene of 'Sleepless in Seattle' with little dolls?"
Ted: "How long have you been out here?"
Robin: "Ten seconds."
Ted: "Yeah - just the last scene."
Marshall: "I don't care if the dishes aren't done, okay? If you care, you do it."
Lily: "Great, then I don't care if you have an orgasm. If you care, you do it."
Ted: "Everyone has an opinion on how long it takes to recover from a breakup."
Lily: "Half the length of the relationship."
Marshall: "One week for every month you were together."
Robin: "Exactly 10,000 drinks, however long that takes."
Barney: "You can't measure something like this in time. There's a series of steps: From her bed to the front door. Bam! Out of there.... next!"
Because sometimes, even when you know how something's gonna end, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the ride.TravelingTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 2 Episode 14
Okay, I've missed you. Not in a "we're gonna make out" way, not even in an "I forgive you" way. Just in an "I've missed you" way.Missing SomeoneRobin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother
Ted: "I hate how you're always right."
Lily: "It's my best, and most annoying, trait."
Ted: "You're not gonna do it at your wedding?"
Lily: "Hell, yeah! I'm gonna take that flower-grenade and chuck it to the crowd and scream, 'Crawl for it, bitches!'"
Sorry Peter, we're grown-ups now, we can't fly to Netherland with you anymore.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 3 Episode 12
Ted: "You're like Mary Poppins, if her magic purse was also filled with drugs."
Robin: "If? Ted, the kids in that movie jumped into a painting and spent 15 minutes chasing a cartoon fox. Spoonful of sugar? Grow Up!"
Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.SexLily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 16
And that, kids, is the kind of stupid thing you say, before you've met the person who hits the reset button on the world. Who makes everything new again. Who makes it seem ridiculous that you ever considered settling.Falling in loveTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 9 Episode 8
I'm also pleased to announce The Bro Code is now available in select airlines across the country. And Lufthansa. 'Der Bro Code' is, like, huge in Germany.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 9 Episode 4
Here's the thing, kids: When you believe in people, people come through.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 9 Episode 2
Lily Aldrin: "Guys, The Captain just made me a very interesting offer."
Barney Stinson: "Finally we get around to the real reason he hired you. Just promise you film it, and please use a tripod. There's nothing artistic about shaky-cam, it just looks sloppy."
Look, if Michael Jordan's healthy, you don't let Scottie Pippen run the offense. Oh, you're from Canada, right. If Wayne Gretzky's healthy, you don't let François... what I'm saying is: hockey is stupid and I'm point guy!Canada, HockeyBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 23
Every time I go after a busty dullard who can't tell time or thinks I'm the ghost of Leonardo DiCaprio, I'm shallow. But somehow it's okay for Robin to date a guy who can't be trusted around outlets.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 6
Robin: "We're like sisters."
Ted: "You've never gotten through even one exchange without screaming at her."
Robin: "Sisters fight, Ted!"
Come on Ted, it's 2012. What do you expect, to meet some cute travel agent when you're reading a newspaper at a bookstore? None of those things exist anymore!Newspapers, 2012Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 22
Marshall: "It's kind of a big, professional meeting. You might want to trade out that lollipop for a shirt."
Ted: "Yeah. I'll just give it to one of these kids."
Marshall: "Oh, buddy. You're half naked, you're not a parent to any of these children. Don't offer 'em candy!"
Do it. If you ever want to see these boobs again, crawl, you son of a me.Lily Aldrin in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 9
Barney: "I am so sorry, Cornelius. You deserve a better end than this."
Lily: "You got ketchup on a red tie, you can't even see it!"
Are you aware, that breaking a broath can have deadly- even fatal repercussions?Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 19
When you do one good deed, it creates a ripple effect. One good deed leads to another and another.Being niceMarshall Eriksen in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 8
Kids, Robin and Barney had recently shared an awkward moment. After that, they did what any two mature adults would do: They pretended it never happened.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 8 Episode 8
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
The boobs on the bus go up and down, up and down, up and down
The boobs on the bus go up and down, all through the town
Barney: "Canada sucks."
Robin: "Okay, well, you're one-quarter Canadian, so by that logic you one-quarter suck!"
Barney: "I'm 100% awesome and you know it!"
Robin: "Yeah, I do."
Destined? Aren't you tired of waiting for destiny, Ted? Isn't it time to make your own destiny?Fate & DestinyRobin Scherbatsky in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 24
Oh, come on. If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 1 Episode 19
Barney: "How's the single life?"
Ted: "I wouldn't know. After this whole Robin thing, I'm laying low."
Barney: "Laying low as in sleeping with a really short chick? You guys doing thirty-nine?"
Marshall: "Excuse me, miss. When you get a chance, could you bring over a hundred shots of tequila please?"
Barney: "I'll have the same."
You give me one hour of phone-free bro time, during which we, and by we I mean you, get magnificently, mythologically drunk. I'm talking needing-subtitles-when-you-speak drunk.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 22
Quinn: "What is an executive strategy coordinator?"
Barney: "It's three corporate-sounding words which, when added together, equal a fake job for which you get a real paycheck."
Barney: "I scoured the dating sites, using my own personal logarithms, factoring in a broad spectrum of variables, filtering out undesirable high-risk negatives, guaranteeing a success-rate of eighty-thr..."
Ted: "...you picked the girls that showed the most boob."
Marshall: "Lily dream-banged someone we know."
Barney: "Okay, you caught me vermilion-handed. The truth is, I've spent the last five years trying to inception your wife."
Marshall: "That movie only came out two years ago."
Barney: "What movie?"
People make fun of the guy who stays at home every night doing nothing, but the truth is that guy is a genius.Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 21
Every night can't be legendary. If all nights are legendary, no nights are legendary!NightTed Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 21
If there was any shame in a dude getting a pedicure I don't think there would've been a feature about it in Details magazine.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother
For the first time in my life, I don't want to find myself in three years with some random girl. No matter how many boobs she has.Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 20
Back boobs! The visual stimulation of missionary meets the emotional detachment of doggy style... patent pending.BoobsBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 20
I'm KFC baby - you don't mess with the Colonel's recipe!KFCBarney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 20
Fine I'll fill her in and I am so angry I am not even goin' to make a joke about "filling her in"... which I did three times last night. Self-five!Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 19
Ted: "In a city of eight million people, you happened to walk into the club where she works? Maybe it's destiny."
Barney: "No, Destiny strips at 'The Melon Patch'. They're people, Ted. Try to keep them straight!"
Kids, sometimes you realize, the journey you've been taking has reached its final stop. So, the question becomes: Where do you go next?Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother, Season 7 Episode 16
Ted: "Oh, screw 'The One'!"
Ted: "Every date I've been on lately has been brutal. Last week, I went out with a girl whose favorite band was Glee. Plus, it's almost Valentine's Day and I'm alone without anything close to a girlfriend. So... all aboard!"
Barney: "I have never been more proud of you."
Lily: "Sorry this is taking so long. He kicked for everybody else."
Marshall: "It's hard for the little guy to perform under pressure."
Barney: "Top ten things Marshall said on his wedding night."
Kevin: "Wow! It was small, but I think I felt something."
Robin: "Top ten things Lily said on her wedding night."