Quotes from How I Met Your Mother (TV-series)

You are the love of my life. Everything I have and everything I am is yours. Forever.

Here's the secret, kids: none of us can vow to be perfect. In the end, all we can do is promise to love each other with everything we've got. Because love's the best thing we do.

Love doesn't make sense. I mean, you can't logic your way into or out of it. Love ist totally nonsensical, but we have to keep doing it or else we're lost and love is dead and humanity should just pack it in. Because love is the best thing we do.

I've been dreaming of that since I was five. Well, that and my own operational Death Star.

Whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary, unless your friends are there to see it.

If you're looking for the word that means caring for someone beyond all rationality and wanting them to have everything they want, no matter how much it destroys you, it's love!

If you love something, you can never let it go. Not even for a second. Or it's gone forever.

Canada also helped in two world wars and gave the world Neil Young, William Shatner, Leonard Cohen, Pamela Anderson, one quarter of Barney Stinson, instant mashed potatoes and best of all - you.

Barney: 'Fine, we'll just have a nice, tasteful rehearsal dinner. Maybe at a French restaurant, I know just the place.'
Robin: 'What's the name of the restaurant?'
Barney: 'La Sertag.'

The 'no more surprises'-thing is the best part of being married.

Barney: 'Your challenge is accepted Lil, there is no girl too pretty
For I am Barney Stinson, Player King of New York City.'
Ted: 'You can't anoint yourself the king, just like that jerk, LeBron.'
Barney: 'He left the Cavs three years ago. Bro, give it up, move on.'

Robin: 'Our boy's back in the game.'
Lily: 'Thank God, it's been a hundred years since Mosby scored a dame.'
Marshall: 'The last time he saw boobies was the screen-test scene in 'Fame'.'
Robin: 'The last girl he dated, I think 'Righty' was her name.'

Hey, ref, check your voicemail! I think you've missed a few calls!

Marshall: 'Open your eyes, ref! That's not a pregnant lady...'
Ted: '...it's a basketball under his shirt. Blow the freakin' whistle!'

And that, kids, is the kind of stupid thing you say, before you've met the person who hits the reset button on the world. Who makes everything new again. Who makes it seem ridiculous that you ever considered settling.

When Mom was a groupie in the '70s, her scrambled eggs made her the darling of the MSG loading dock. Lot of songs written about those scrambled eggs:
ZZ Top's 'She's Got Legs'? Originally 'She's Got Eggs'.
Led Zeppelin? 'Scramble On'.
Steve Miller? 'The Yolker'.
If you listen to Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon' while eating her eggs, it lines up perfectly.

Yes, I'm in a rotten mood. No, I don't want to talk about it. Yes, this has booze in it. No, it's not my first.

Marshall: 'Robin, I need you to delete the last text that Lily got before she sees it.'
Robin: 'Bro, it's my wedding weekend. Just because you didn't know better than to take a naked selfie while you were in the coldest part of the country...'
Marshall: '...first, I'm an Eriksen. Cold has a plumping effect.'

Marshall: 'What the hell happened?'
Barney: 'I said no questions asked.'
Marshall: 'Star, clover, horseshoe... Barney, did you swallow real versions of all the Lucky Charms items?'
Barney: 'No questions asked! Now come on. Let's hit the bar. I'm buying. I just won 50 bucks from a little Irish guy on a dare.'

Lily: 'I'm not paying for room service the hooker ordered.'
Barney: 'I've been there.'

Your story is so sweet. You didn't even kiss 'til the third date. By our third date, I hit more bases than Bob Hope on a USO tour.

Every hookup at a weekend wedding is decided at Friday Night Drinks. Get stuck with the wrong girl tonight, the only action you'll be getting all weekend is a self five and I don't mean the cool kind. Self-five! That's the cool kind.

Oh, come on, ref! I haven't seen that much hooking go unpunished since my last trip to Vegas.

Barney: 'I was having such a good time greasing 12-year-olds.'
Ted: 'LaserTag.'
Marshall: 'Helpful. Continue.'

Lily: 'Just be yourself. Say something nice.'
Robin: 'Which one? I can't do both.'

I'm also pleased to announce The Bro Code is now available in select airlines across the country. And Lufthansa. 'Der Bro Code' is, like, huge in Germany.

This sacred text was eventually brought to the New World in 1776 by none other than Christopher Brolumbus. And that's why he got to bang Pocahontas.

The Bro Code has been around for centuries. Nay... whatever's more than centuries.

My metabolism is all messed up. See, I can moose down a pint of fudge ripple for a midnight snack and wake up having lost weight. Well, everywhere except for my boobs. So annoying.

Ted: 'So, you are mad about me and Robin holding hands.'
Barney: 'Of course I'm mad Ted. Holding hands is like the fourth grade equivalent of banging. Well in your case, twelfth grade. Self-five!'

Robin: 'I can't believe my great grandparents still do that.'
Barney: 'And I never imagined a walker being used for anything other than walking.'

Barney: 'You avoiding the family too?'
James: 'I'm gay, I'm black and I'm getting a divorce. Those walking skeletons are gonna have more questions for me than their pharmacists.'

Here's the thing, kids: When you believe in people, people come through.

I'm from Minnesota, where there's plenty hot-dogs for everyone. Perhaps even too many...

Barney: 'Our wedding is gonna be legendary.'
Robin: 'No wait for it?'
Barney: 'I've got you, I don't have to wait for it anymore.'

Lily Aldrin: 'Guys, The Captain just made me a very interesting offer.'
Barney Stinson: 'Finally we get around to the real reason he hired you. Just promise you film it, and please use a tripod. There's nothing artistic about shaky-cam, it just looks sloppy.'

Lily: 'Okay, stop! Every time he lands, that chair farts out ten-year-old Dorito dust.'
Marshall: 'Yeah, it's the chair...'

Look, if Michael Jordan's healthy, you don't let Scottie Pippen run the offense. Oh, you're from Canada, right. If Wayne Gretzky's healthy, you don't let François... what I'm saying is: hockey is stupid and I'm point guy!

Italy doesn't need something that is wrinkled, red and leaky, and smells like booze and narcotics. They've already got former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi.

So, what do you want to do tonight? Drink ourselves blind, set a car on fire? Oh, watch a movie that doesn't start with a desk lamp jumping on top of a capital 'I'?

You know how sometimes you'll meet a girl and there'll be that one bewitching little detail that'll make you fall in love with her instantly? You know, a little freckle on the nose, the lilt of her laugh, the way she pronounces a certain word or phrase...

Underneath all of those lies is one true thing. One true thing that can support the weight of all the lies in the world, and that's the fact that I love you.

Barney: 'Ted what is my one rule?'
Ted: 'You can tell how old a girl is by her elbows?'
Barney: 'My other one rule.'
Ted: 'Flax seed relieves upset stomach?'
Barney: 'My other one rule.'
Ted: 'Always have a fake pair of concert tickets in your pocket in case Lily invites you to something stupid?'
Barney: 'My other one rule.'
Ted: 'Labanese girls sprint to third base and then stay there.'
Barney: 'My other one rule.'
Ted: 'New is always better?'
Barney: 'New is always better!'

Every time I go after a busty dullard who can't tell time or thinks I'm the ghost of Leonardo DiCaprio, I'm shallow. But somehow it's okay for Robin to date a guy who can't be trusted around outlets.

Robin: 'This locket was my grandma's, she kept it hidden in her butt all through world war II.'
Lily: 'What? Where was she?'
Robin: 'Winnipeg. Come on, Lily, that is a joke.'

Lily: 'Ted, you did this all yourself?'
Ted: 'Just like Ryan Gosling in 'The Notebook'. It was pretty manly 'til I mentioned Ryan Gosling in 'The Notebook', huh?'

I only have one rule. For every three 10's you bang, throw a bone to a 5. They're grateful and hard working and let's face it, sometimes you just want to lay there.

Kids, you can't cling to the past. Because no matter how tight you hold on... it's already gone.

Ted: 'My mother is not one-night-stand material!'
Barney: 'Yeah, you're right. It wasn't night and we weren't standing.'

Marshall: 'When a woman puts on an engagement ring, it's like when Bilbo Baggins wears the One Ring in The Hobbit.'
Robin: 'Okay, can you say that again, but not in nerd?'
Marshall: 'Sure. Uh, the ring is like the cloak that Harry Potter wears to sneak around Hogwarts.'
Robin: 'Yeah, I don't speak virgin either.'