The best Quotes from heute-show

The last person that was excited about a check with Donald Trump's name on it was Stormy Daniels.

Oliver Welke - Sendung vom 24.04.2020

We are looking at the biggest economic crash since 1970.
And thanks to closed barber-shops, we'll soon look like the 70s again.

Oliver Welke - April 2020

Corona-Jokes 70s

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

Kim Jong Un North Korea

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If you start deporting every shady looking guy with questionable tattoos, who's gonna go to Jets games?

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show

New York Jets

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - The Truth Behind Music Streaming

Spotify

You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - June 2020

Barbie

Regardless of our differences, this was still New York. A melting pot crammed onto an island, then pushed into a subway car with a rat eating pizza. You're not left or right. You're a New f*cking Yorker and we're in this together.

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Debates Anti-Vax Mandate Protesters in NYC

New York City

Klepper: "What does that mean, 'Their DNA is wiped out'?"
Anti-Vax protester: "Like, their immunity is getting wiped out."
Klepper: "Okay, 'cause COVID wiped out 600.000 DNAs."
Anti-Vax protester: "Yes, of course!"

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Debates Anti-Vax Mandate Protesters in NYC

Vaccines

All the teams in the NBA will not be playing basketball on Election Day. And the Knicks were like, "Oh, no problem we don't play basketball every day, that's just what we do."

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - August 2022

New York Knicks

The NBA has announced that they will not be playing any games on election day and instead will encourage their fans to go and vote. I will say though, not to sound cynical but, if the Timberwolves game is what was keeping you from voting maybe... yeah.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - August 2022

Minnesota Timberwolves

You're gonna move the ocean into the desert? That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, unless they do it while Burning Man is happening. In which case, go for it. Please take a bath, you dirty hippies!

Ronny Chieng in The Daily Show

Burning Man

I know Liberals and Conservatives don't agree on much. But can we agree that you should not own a gun, if you don't know how to poop in a potty?

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - April 2023

NRA

Trump Supporter: "It's an American ideal that we treat women with respect."
Klepper: "You gotta give me the back of that shirt one more time, that's too much fun."
Trump Supporter: "Trump that b*tch!"
Klepper: "Ha ha, we don't even see the irony of it... I love it."

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Trump Supporter Ideology Test

Trump Supporter: "The regular couple... they work so hard, you know, and the gay couple they want more."
Klepper: "When you say 'more', do you mean 'equal'?"
Trump Supporter: "Yeah, they want equal."
Klepper: "And that's just too much?"

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Trump Supporter Ideology Test

Trump Supporter: "The presidency is a man's job. A female has more hormones. She could start a war in 10 seconds."
Klepper: "Haven't all wars been started by men?"

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Trump Supporter Ideology Test

Crypto is crashing even harder, with Bitcoin plummeting 67% from its high, which I found really interesting. Because for, like, the past ten years, every single crypto bro I've met has told me that crypto would protect me when the mainstream economy failed.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - Juni 2022

Bitcoin Cryptocurrencies

But I don't understand why the Jeffrey Epstein case would be of interest to anybody. It's pretty boring stuff, it's sordid but it's boring and I don't understand why it keeps going.

Donald Trump - July 2025

The Epstein Files

The easiest way to save money in our Budget, Billions and Billions of Dollars, is to terminate Elon's Governmental Subsidies and Contracts. I was always surprised that Biden didn't do it!

Donald Trump - Juni 2025

Elon Musk

If you're not guilty of a crime, what do you need immunity for? If you're innocent, why are you taking the Fifth Amendment?

Donald Trump - September 2016

The Epstein Files

While Walz pretends to support Americans in the Heartland, when the cameras are off, he believes that rural America is "mostly cows and rocks". Walz is obsessed with spreading California's dangerously liberal agenda far and wide.

Donald Trump - August 2024

Tim Walz

I am for electric cars. I have to be, because Elon endorsed me very strongly. So, I have no choice.

Donald Trump - August 2024

There can be neither today without yesterday nor tomorrow without today.

Kim Jong Un

Yesterday Today

Our republic is a responsible nuclear state that, as we made clear before, will not use nuclear weapons first unless aggressive hostile forces use nuclear weapons to invade on our sovereignty.

Kim Jong Un

Nuclear Weapons

The days are gone forever when our enemies could blackmail us with nuclear bombs.

Kim Jong Un

North Korea Nuclear Weapons

Crazy times we're living in. I used to cough to hide a fart, now I'm farting to hide a cough.

Corona-Jokes

I tested negative to Covid yesterday and positive today. No symptoms what so ever. Covid had the courage to challenge me. Bad idea.

Zlatan Ibrahimović - September 2020

Corona-Jokes

I dare saying that in regard of protecting us from Corona, a mask that may be uncomfortable is way more effective than a tin foil hat.

Frank-Walter Steinmeier (as President of Germany) - May 2020

Coronavirus Corona-Jokes Conspiracy Theories

Whoa, and the '70s are back. All we need are the Bee Gees and bell-bottoms and it's Studio 54.

June Ballard in Young Sheldon - Season 5 Episode 10

70s

Jax: "People actually wore this crap?"
Stein: "People smoked a lot of pot in the '70s. It clearly had a deleterious effect on the fashion of the era."

Martin Stein in Legends of Tomorrow - Season 1 Episode 2

70s

North Korea, voted Korea of the year by North Korea Magazine for the past three decades.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - Juni 2022

North Korea

North Korea has taught a great lesson to all the countries in the world, especially the rogue countries of dictatorships or whatever: if you don't want to be invaded by America, get some nuclear weapons.

Michael Moore

North Korea Nuclear Weapons

Usually, when Boris Johnson takes a position, the opposite position is the right one. That's why his hair is always like, "Wherever he goes, I'm going the other way."

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - Juni 2022

Boris Johnson

I'm just curious about how you even know when Rudy Giuliani is drunk. No, because when a normal person is drunk, they say crazy things, they yell, they sweat a lot. So how does that work with Rudy? Does it work in reverse? Like, does he start talking normally, his hair die sucks back into his hair?

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - Juni 2022

Rudy Giuliani

It's the 4th of July, that time of year when Americans who don't watch MSNBC, celebrate the nation's birthday.

Ronny Chieng in The Daily Show

Independence Day

Don't stereotype Asian people. Also, there's a good chance they're doctors, so they can help you out if you are worried.

Ronny Chieng in The Daily Show

Asia

The government was beholden to the NRA, and the NRA's power stemmed from one oft-debated sentence written at a time when guns were muskets and lightning was witchcraft, the Second Amendment.

Jordan Klepper - June 2017

NRA

If you dare as an organization to certify the cancellation of the McRib, I will not accept those results. I'm gonna get a group of people together and we're going to travel and we're going to march down to McDonald's headquarters. We're going to McDonald's the first week of January to start the year off with a bang.

Roy Wood Jr. in The Daily Show

McDonald's

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