The best Quotes by George Carlin

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Funny Quotes Texas

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Weather

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Power & Electricity

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No wonder the city never sleeps, it's too busy trying to get laid.

Carrie Bradshaw in Sex And The City - Season 1 Episode 11

Sex New York City

There are eight million people in this city. And those teeming masses exist for the sole purpose of lifting the few exceptional people onto their shoulders.

Grüner Kobold in Spider-Man

Fame New York City

If I can make it there
I'll make it anywhere
It's up to you
New York, New York

Frank Sinatra - New York, New York

New York City

Manhattan, for millions of our forefathers, the gateway to hope, opportunity and happiness beyond their wildest dreams. Today, that hope is still alive, it's called "The First Date". On Saturday nights, every restaurant in Lower Manhattan resembles its own little Ellis Island.

Carrie Bradshaw in Sex And The City - Season 2 Episode 3

New York City Manhatten

I want to wake up in that city
That doesn't sleep
And find I'm king of the hill
Top of the heap

Frank Sinatra - New York, New York

New York City

In a city that moves so fast, you get the Sunday paper on Saturday - how did any of us know how much time we had left?

Carrie Bradshaw in Sex And The City - Season 2 Episode 5

New York City

We are New Yorkers. Proud citizens of the greatest city on earth. Thinking big isn't new to us. It is the very foundation of who we are.

Bill de Blasio

New York City

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Dean Martin

Alcohol Funny Quotes

"There's perfect men around every corner", said God an made the Earth round.

Funny Quotes Singles & Dating

Working out makes people more comfortable with their naked bodies. So does Tequila.

Funny Quotes Tequila Being naked

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Mark Twain

Smoking Funny Quotes

Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same could be said of Bugs Bunny... and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the Earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real?

Kyle Broflovski in South Park - Season 11 Episode 12

Luke Skywalker Superman Bugs Bunny Imagination Santa Claus

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Ricky Gervais

Atheism Santa Claus Hölle

Good girls are waiting for the prince on his horse.
Smart girls are taking the horse themselves.
Bad girls are riding on the prince.

Bad Girls

Well-behaved women seldom make history.

Bad Girls

My ambition is handicapped by laziness.

Charles Bukowski in Factotum

Laziness Ambition

There is nothing like staying at home for real comfort.

Jane Austen

Laziness

If believing in yourself and going after what you want in life and realising your worth is ruthless and selfish, then I'm definitely ruthless and selfish.

Nicole Scherzinger

Ambition Egoism

Good, better, best. Never let it rest. Until your good is better and your better is the best.

Tim Duncan

Ambition

Sometimes the right path is not the easiest one.

Grandmother Willow in Pocahontas

Work Motivation

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.

Thomas Edison

Work Giving Up Beginning

I think about it every year, so I picked up a pen
Happy birthday, I love you whoever you would've been

Flipsyde - Happy Birthday

Abortion

I paid for the murder before they determined the sex
Choosing our life over your life meant your death
And you never got a chance to even open your eyes
Sometimes I wonder as a fetus, if you fought for your life

Flipsyde - Happy Birthday

Abortion

Dante: "[seeing a Confederate flag] What? Are you serious?"
Lila: "Newsflash, we're in deep Texas."

Texas Chainsaw Massacre - 2022

Texas

The stars at night, are big and bright,
deep in the heart of Texas,
The prairie sky is wide and high,
deep in the heart of Texas.

Texas

Conversation about the weather is the last refuge of the unimaginative.

Oscar Wilde

Weather

You know what they say about weather in the Midwest. If you don't like it, wait an hour.

C-Note in Prison Break - Season 1 Episode 15

Weather

Sitting still, a person produces about 100 watts of heat. What if you could use that to charge your cell phone?

Lonnie Johnson

Power & Electricity Energy

If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

George Gobel

Television Power & Electricity Candles

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

Kim Jong Un North Korea

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

Felix Lobrecht

Berlin Munich Oktoberfest

To never be sick can't be healthy.

Karl Valentin

Illness & Sickness

F*ck reason - long live the nonsense!

Karl Valentin

Cynicism, to me, is trying to make people as unhappy as you are.

Ricky Gervais

Cynicism

Remember, if you don't sin, then Jesus died for nothing.

Ricky Gervais

Sin

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Bill Murray

Life

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

Bill Murray

Taxes Ice Cream

The best Quotes by George Carlin

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