Quotes by George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

Why is it that most of the people who are against abortion are people you wouldn't wanna f-ck in the first place?

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.