You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.AlcoholDean Martin
"There's perfect men around every corner", said God an made the Earth round.Singles & DatingUnknown
Working out makes people more comfortable with their naked bodies. So does Tequila.TequilaUnknown
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.SmokingMark Twain
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.Foolishness, CultureUnknown
If you're not careful, Netflix & Chill can turn into Disney+ & Children pretty damn fast.NetflixUnknown
Work eight hours and sleep eight hours and make sure that they are not the same hours.Work, SleepingT. Boone Pickens
What would I put in a museum? Probably a museum. That's an amusing relic of our past.MuseumsJohn Hodgman
Wade: "What can I get for $275 and a Yogurtland rewards card?"
Vanessa: "Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the f-ck you want. And a low-fat dessert."
I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.George H. W. Bush
Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.Weddings, Mothers in law, MarriageHubert H. Humphrey
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.Laziness, FunMary Wilson Little
There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side.Oscar Levant
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.Oscar Levant
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.Mitch Hedberg
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?Jerry Seinfeld
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.Santa Claus, Bad GirlsGeorge Carlin
My mind is like an internet browser - I have 23 tabs open, 4 are frozen, and I don't know where the music is coming from.Unknown
I went to a costume party dressed as a chicken and hooked up with a girl dressed as an egg.
Long story short:
There are only two things I can't stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people's cultures... and the Dutch.NetherlandsAustin Powers - Goldmember, by Nigel Powers
I would never go bungee jumping. A broken rubber brought me into this world, a broken rubber isn't taking me out of it.Unknown
Without coffee, I could easily survive a zombie apocalypse. They'd think I'm one of them.CoffeeUnknown
I'm not clumsy, I'm accident-prone!Daniel Radcliffe
I was anti-vax for 7 years... then, I turned 8 and found out that the needle's not as bad as the stuff it protects me from.VaccinesUnknown
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.Yogi Berra
I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.Jimmy Carter
I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.Alcohol, Enjoying, Sex, SmokingJohnny Carson
Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.Laurence J. Peter
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.FoolishnessAlan Dundes
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.GolfJack Lemmon
Sure you want to meet that soul mate and fall in love and have the big thing, but until that happens, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs.Laura Prepon
The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told me.Women, SuccessHoward Nemerov
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.TexasGeorge Carlin
Part of it went on gambling, and part of it went on women. The rest I spent foolishly.GamblingGeorge Raft
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.Christmas, OfficesPhyllis Diller
My doctor tells me I should start slowing it down - but there are more old drunks than there are old doctors so let's all have another round.AlcoholWillie Nelson
Schizophrenia beats dining alone.Oscar Levant
Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.Santa ClausGary Allan
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.Mitch Hedberg
If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.FingersMitch Hedberg
Don't trust the heart, it wants your blood.Heart, BloodStanislaw Jerzy Lec
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.WeatherKarl Valentin
I'm sleeping with the windows opened in summer.
1832 mosquitos like that.
My parents told me not to lie. All I'm saying is: Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy.Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth FairyUnknown
Helping someone move is like oral sex. You do it once and they owe you for life.MovingJordan Sullivan in Scrubs
"Must you fall asleep while I'm speaking?"
Winston Churchill: "No, it's purely voluntary."
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?SchoolPhyllis Diller
I sometimes worry about my short attention span, but not for long.Herb Caen
this year, please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. And please, don't mix those two up like you did last year.