You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.Funny Quotes, Texas0
What would I put in a museum? Probably a museum. That's an amusing relic of our past.Funny Quotes0
Part of it went on gambling, and part of it went on women. The rest I spent foolishly.Funny Quotes, Gambling0
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.Christmas, Funny Quotes0
There are only two things I can't stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people's cultures... and the Dutch.Funny Quotes0
I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.Funny Quotes0
My doctor tells me I should start slowing it down - but there are more old drunks than there are old doctors so let's all have another round.Alcohol, Funny Quotes0
Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.Marriage, Success, Funny Quotes0
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.Laziness, Funny Quotes, Fun0
There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side.Funny Quotes0
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.Alcohol, Funny Quotes0
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.Funny Quotes0
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.Weather, Funny Quotes0
'Must you fall asleep while I'm speaking?'
Winston Churchill: 'No, it’s purely voluntary.'
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.Christmas, Funny Quotes0
this year, please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. And please, don't mix those two up like you did last year.