The funniest Quotes of the Year 2020

The funniest Quotes of the Year 2020

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

AlcoholDean Martin
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Nobody dies a virgin. Life fucks us all.

Life, PunsKurt Cobain
2
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Bacteria is the only culture some people have.

Foolishness, CultureUnknown
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Work eight hours and sleep eight hours and make sure that they are not the same hours.

Work & Carreer, SleepingT. Boone Pickens
1
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I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.

George H. W. Bush
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There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

Laziness, FunMary Wilson Little
1
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There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side.

Oscar Levant
1
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Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Oscar Levant
1
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I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

AlcoholWinston Churchill
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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg
1
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If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Jerry Seinfeld
1
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Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

SmokingMark Twain
1
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I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

Jimmy Carter
 
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I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Alcohol, Enjoying, Sex, SmokingJohnny Carson
 
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Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Laurence J. Peter
 
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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

FoolishnessAlan Dundes
 
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If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

GolfJack Lemmon
 
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I'm not clumsy, I'm accident-prone!

Daniel Radcliffe
 
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Sure you want to meet that soul mate and fall in love and have the big thing, but until that happens, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs.

Laura Prepon
 
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The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told me.

Women, SuccessHoward Nemerov
 
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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

TexasGeorge Carlin
 
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What would I put in a museum? Probably a museum. That's an amusing relic of our past.

John Hodgman
 
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Part of it went on gambling, and part of it went on women. The rest I spent foolishly.

GamblingGeorge Raft
 
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What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Christmas, BureauPhyllis Diller
 
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There are only two things I can't stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people's cultures... and the Dutch.

Austin Powers - Goldständer, by Nigel Powers
 
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My doctor tells me I should start slowing it down - but there are more old drunks than there are old doctors so let's all have another round.

AlcoholWillie Nelson
 
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Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

Marriage, SuccessHubert H. Humphrey
 
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Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

Oscar Levant
 
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Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.

Santa ClausGary Allan
 
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I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Mitch Hedberg
 
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If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Mitch Hedberg
 
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Don't trust the heart, it wants your blood.

HeartStanislaw Jerzy Lec
 
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Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

WeatherKarl Valentin
 
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My parents told me not to lie. All I'm saying is: Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy.

Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth FairyUnknown
 
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Helping someone move is like oral sex. You do it once and they owe you for life.

MovingJordan Sullivan in Scrubs
 
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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Santa ClausGeorge Carlin
 
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'Must you fall asleep while I'm speaking?"
Winston Churchill: "No, it’s purely voluntary."

Winston Churchill
 
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Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

SchoolPhyllis Diller
 
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I sometimes worry about my short attention span, but not for long.

Herb Caen
 
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Dear Santa,
this year, please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. And please, don't mix those two up like you did last year.
Thanks!

ChristmasUnknown
 
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