The 50+ funniest jokes of all time

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

"There's perfect men around every corner", said God an made the Earth round.

Working out makes people more comfortable with their naked bodies. So does Tequila.

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Bacteria is the only culture some people have.

If you're not careful, Netflix & Chill can turn into Disney+ & Children pretty damn fast.

Work eight hours and sleep eight hours and make sure that they are not the same hours.

What would I put in a museum? Probably a museum. That's an amusing relic of our past.

Wade: "What can I get for $275 and a Yogurtland rewards card?"
Vanessa: "Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the f-ck you want. And a low-fat dessert."

I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.

Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

My mind is like an internet browser - I have 23 tabs open, 4 are frozen, and I don't know where the music is coming from.

I went to a costume party dressed as a chicken and hooked up with a girl dressed as an egg.

Long story short:
The chicken.

There are only two things I can't stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people's cultures... and the Dutch.

I would never go bungee jumping. A broken rubber brought me into this world, a broken rubber isn't taking me out of it.

Without coffee, I could easily survive a zombie apocalypse. They'd think I'm one of them.

I'm not clumsy, I'm accident-prone!

I was anti-vax for 7 years... then, I turned 8 and found out that the needle's not as bad as the stuff it protects me from.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

Sure you want to meet that soul mate and fall in love and have the big thing, but until that happens, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs.

The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told me.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Part of it went on gambling, and part of it went on women. The rest I spent foolishly.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

My doctor tells me I should start slowing it down - but there are more old drunks than there are old doctors so let's all have another round.

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Don't trust the heart, it wants your blood.

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

I'm sleeping with the windows opened in summer.
1832 mosquitos like that.

My parents told me not to lie. All I'm saying is: Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy.

Helping someone move is like oral sex. You do it once and they owe you for life.

"Must you fall asleep while I'm speaking?"
Winston Churchill: "No, it's purely voluntary."

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

I sometimes worry about my short attention span, but not for long.

Dear Santa,
this year, please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. And please, don't mix those two up like you did last year.
Thanks!