The funniest jokes of 2025

The funniest jokes of 2025

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

Dean Martin

8

"There's perfect men around every corner", said God an made the Earth round.

5

Singles & Dating

Working out makes people more comfortable with their naked bodies. So does Tequila.

3

Tequila Being naked

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

2

Santa Claus Bad Girls

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

2

Bacteria is the only culture some people have.

2

Foolishness Culture

If you're not careful, Netflix & Chill can turn into Disney+ & Children pretty damn fast.

1

Work eight hours and sleep eight hours and make sure that they are not the same hours.

T. Boone Pickens

1

What would I put in a museum? Probably a museum. That's an amusing relic of our past.

John Hodgman

1

Wade: "What can I get for $275 and a Yogurtland rewards card?"
Vanessa: "Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the f*ck you want. And a low-fat dessert."

Vanessa Carlysle in Deadpool

1

I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.

George H. W. Bush

1

Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

Hubert H. Humphrey

1

Weddings Mothers in law Marriage

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

Mary Wilson Little

1

There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side.

Oscar Levant

1

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Oscar Levant

1

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

1

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Jerry Seinfeld

1

My first words, as I was being born I looked up at my mother and said, "that's the last time I'm going up one of those!"

Stephen Fry

My mind is like an internet browser - I have 23 tabs open, 4 are frozen, and I don't know where the music is coming from.

I went to a costume party dressed as a chicken and hooked up with a girl dressed as an egg.

Long story short:
The chicken.

Chicken & Roosters Eggs

There are only two things I can't stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people's cultures... and the Dutch.

Nigel Powers in Austin Powers - Goldmember

I would never go bungee jumping. A broken rubber brought me into this world, a broken rubber isn't taking me out of it.

Without coffee, I could easily survive a zombie apocalypse. They'd think I'm one of them.

I'm not clumsy, I'm accident-prone!

Daniel Radcliffe

I was anti-vax for 7 years... then, I turned 8 and found out that the needle's not as bad as the stuff it protects me from.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

I have often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

Jimmy Carter

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Johnny Carson

Alcohol Enjoying Sex Smoking

Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, is in the eye of the beholder.

Laurence J. Peter

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Alan Dundes

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

Jack Lemmon

Sure you want to meet that soul mate and fall in love and have the big thing, but until that happens, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs.

Laura Prepon

The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told me.

Howard Nemerov

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

George Carlin

Part of it went on gambling, and part of it went on women. The rest I spent foolishly.

George Raft

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Phyllis Diller

Christmas Offices

My doctor tells me I should start slowing it down - but there are more old drunks than there are old doctors so let's all have another round.

Willie Nelson

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

Oscar Levant

Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Mitch Hedberg

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Mitch Hedberg

Don't trust the heart, it wants your blood.

Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

Karl Valentin

I'm sleeping with the windows opened in summer.
1832 mosquitos like that.

Reality is a thing for people who are scared of unicorns.

I'm breathing. That's about as productive as it gets today.

My parents told me not to lie. All I'm saying is: Santa Claus, Easter Bunny, Tooth Fairy.

Santa Claus Easter Bunny Tooth Fairy

Helping someone move is like oral sex. You do it once and they owe you for life.

Jordan Sullivan in Scrubs

"Must you fall asleep while I'm speaking?"
Winston Churchill: "No, it's purely voluntary."

Winston Churchill

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Phyllis Diller

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Nobody dies a virgin. Life f*cks us all.

Kurt Cobain

3

The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter... or at least, most minds are.

Severus Snape in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

6

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Your mom's so fat, even in Minecraft she appears round.

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She's a 10 but thinks she's a 5. He's a 5 but thinks he's a 10. And now they're married.

What do you call an Asian Dwayne Johnson?
The Wok.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson Lame Jokes

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