Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes
Quote by Jack Lemmon

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.

Funny Quotes, Golf
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Quote by Daniel Radcliffe

I'm not clumsy, I'm accident-prone!

Funny Quotes
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Quote by Laura Prepon

Sure you want to meet that soul mate and fall in love and have the big thing, but until that happens, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs.

Funny Quotes
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Quote by Howard Nemerov

The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job. My wife told me.

Women, Success, Funny Quotes
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Quote by George Carlin

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Funny Quotes, Texas
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Quote by John Hodgman

What would I put in a museum? Probably a museum. That's an amusing relic of our past.

Funny Quotes
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Quote by George Raft

Part of it went on gambling, and part of it went on women. The rest I spent foolishly.

Funny Quotes, Gambling
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Quote by Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

Christmas, Funny Quotes
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Movie Quote from Austin Powers - Goldmember, by Nigel Powers

There are only two things I can't stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people's cultures... and the Dutch.

Funny Quotes
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Quote by George H. W. Bush

I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.

Funny Quotes
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Quote by Willie Nelson

My doctor tells me I should start slowing it down - but there are more old drunks than there are old doctors so let's all have another round.

Alcohol, Funny Quotes
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Quote by Hubert H. Humphrey

Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

Marriage, Success, Funny Quotes
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Quote by Mary Wilson Little

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

Laziness, Funny Quotes, Fun
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Quote by Oscar Levant

There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side.

Funny Quotes
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Quote by Oscar Levant

Schizophrenia beats dining alone.

Funny Quotes
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Quote by Oscar Levant

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Funny Quotes
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Quote by Gary Allan

Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.

Christmas, Funny Quotes
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Quote by Winston Churchill

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Alcohol, Funny Quotes
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Quote by Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Funny Quotes
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Quote by Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

Funny Quotes
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Quote by Mitch Hedberg

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

Funny Quotes
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Quote by Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

Don't trust the heart, it wants your blood.

Heart, Funny Quotes
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Quote by Karl Valentin

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.

Weather, Funny Quotes
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Quote by Jerry Seinfeld

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Funny Quotes
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Quote by Kurt Cobain

Nobody dies a virgin. Life fucks us all.

Life, Puns, Funny Quotes
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Quote by Winston Churchill

'Must you fall asleep while I'm speaking?'
Winston Churchill: 'No, it’s purely voluntary.'

Funny Quotes
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Quote by Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

School, Funny Quotes
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Quote by Herb Caen

I sometimes worry about my short attention span, but not for long.

Funny Quotes
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Quote by George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Christmas, Funny Quotes
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Quote by Unknown

Dear Santa,
this year, please give me a big fat bank account and a slim body. And please, don't mix those two up like you did last year.
Thanks!

Christmas, Funny Quotes
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Quote by Mark Twain

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

Smoking, Funny Quotes
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Quote by Unknown

Bacteria is the only culture some people have.

Foolishness, Culture, Funny Quotes
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About Funny Quotes