These days, I look in the mirror and I have to admit, I’m not the strapping young Muslim socialist that I used to be.Barack Obama, White House Correspondents' Dinner 2013
Leno: "What's this thing with Trump and you? I don't get it, it's like me and Letterman - what has he got against you?"
Obama: "This all dates back to when we were growing up together in Kenya. We had constant run-ins on the soccer field."
My chances of being PM are about as good as the chances of finding Elvis on Mars, or me being reincarnated as an olive.Boris Johnson
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.Alcohol, Funny InsultsWinston Churchill
I am told that the last three speakers here [Westminster Hall] have been the Pope, her Majesty the Queen and Nelson Mandela. Which is either a very high bar or the beginning of a very funny joke.Barack Obama, May 2011
Being president is like running a cemetery: you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening.Bill Clinton
Zach Galifianakis: "What is it like to be the last black president?"
Barack Obama: "Seriously? What's it like for this to be the last time, you'll ever talk to a president?"
So congratulations, again, to the Miami Heat. And now we are going to take a picture that makes me look very short.Miami HeatBarack Obama, January 28, 2013 - Miami Heat visit the White House