The best Quotes and Jokes about Fat People

Chefkoch: "Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him."
Stan: "Marry him?"
Chefkoch: "It definitely worked for every woman i ever met."

If you're worried about people seeing your ass, do what all the other girls do and tie a sweater around your waist.

"Dawn Schweitzer is a fat virgin."
"Still half true."

Robin: "I'm pregnant."
Barney: "Are you sure you're not just getting fat?"

McDonald's is the reason why I'm out of shape. I would have got a salad, but you didn't have the option. So I was like, well, I guess I got to get 52 BigMacs. Thanks a lot McDonald's!

A recent survey of North American males found 42% were overweight, 34% were critically obese and 8% ate the survey.

Trench: "Have you been sick? You've lost weight."
Barney Ross: "Whatever I've lost you've found, pal."

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

Bob: "He looks like a child molester. Louise, don't serve him. Let Gene bring it."
Gene: "Why do I have to get molested?"
Bob: "Because he's not gonna molest you."
Gene: "Why?"
Bob: "You're heavy."

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Zach Galifianakis: "You played in a movie called The Hunger Games."
Jennifer Lawrence: "Yeah. Isn't that your life story?"
Zach Galifianakis: "You shouldn't say that. That's off-putting."
Jennifer Lawrence: "You should be off-pudding. Because you're fat."

Kim has a fat ass, so, like it would save her herself. It's like a floatation device.

I've said in the past that if I were Prime Minister, I would ban obesity.

None of us wanted to be the bass player. In our minds he was the fat guy who always played at the back.

Rule number one for surviving Zombieland: Cardio. When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties.

Kidnapper: "You guys watch the main cabin, I will find them. I'll take that fat guy as a human shield."
Peter: "Oh, nice, last guy picked for dodgeball, first guy for human shield."

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.

This woman came in and she was so fat she actually had three smaller women orbiting around her.

Zoey: "Don't worry Ted, she's cute."
Barney: "'Cute' means 'fat'!"
Zoey: "She's not fat."
Barney: "'Not fat' means 'ugly'."

She really had a fat but: her fat butt!

You know the thing about good food? It brings folks together from all walks of life.

Everything in this room is eatable. Even I'm eatable. But that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.

I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.

Mr Willy Wonka can make marshmallows that taste of violets, and rich caramels that change colour every ten seconds as you suck them, and little feathery sweets that melt away deliciously the moment you put them between your lips. He can make chewing-gum that never loses its taste, and sugar balloons that you can blow up to enormous sizes before you pop them with a pin and gobble them up. And, by a most secret method, he can make lovely blue birds' eggs with black spots on them, and when you put one of these in your mouth, it gradually gets smaller and smaller until suddenly there is nothing left except a tiny little darkred sugary baby bird sitting on the tip of your tongue.

This is America. Anyone can eat what they want, as long as they eat too much.

The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter... or at least, most minds are.

Christ, you two! All I can say is if I ever get anal polyps, I'll know what to name them.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

I'm gonna knock your teeth so far down your throat, you'll have to shove a toothbrush up your ass to brush 'em.

I'll be very clear here, because you and I face an evolutionary gap.

Whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary, unless your friends are there to see it.

It's only once you've stopped, that you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it.

It's not a crime to be an a-shole, but it's very counter-productive.

Don't waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living.

Peeta: "If you die. And I live I'd have nothing. Nobody else that I care about. Nobody needs me."
Katniss: "I do. I need you!"

I know it's true
It's all because of you
And if you go away
I know you could never stay

Chefkoch: "Why 'oh oh'?"
Gerald Brovlovski: "Chef, that's Johnny Cochran. He's the one that got O.J. off."
Chefkoch: "Oh oh..."

I love life. Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like... it makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness.

J.D.: "What's wrong with me?"
Dr. Cox: "You're an annoying, whining man-child."
J.D.: "That question wasn't directed to you!"
Dr. Cox: "What question?"

Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around.

Student: "Nice wig, Janis. What's it made of?"
Janis: "Your mom's chest hair!"

Lord Melchett: "Ah, Blackadder, talking to yourself, I see."
Blackadder: "Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation."

If you wonder why society is going down the drain, take a look at people having children. Then, look at the people who you think would make good parents. That should tell you just about all you need to know.

In order to get cheap accommodation in Australia, we like foreign people to do manual labour for us. Helping feed the cows is very important, they are the future of McDonald's.

I mean, they say dou die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time.

By the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you man and knife!

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

I threw my 20th birthday party at Brown, and I didn't even have to say to anyone not to put pictures on Facebook. Not a single picture went up. That was when I knew I’d found a solid group of friends, and I felt like I belonged.

"So, what do you do in your time off?"
"I like stalking."
"Oh, really? I like to go swimming."
"I know."

Bob: "Hey, no nagging my customers!"
Linda: "Don't you yell at my mother!"
Bob: "What's that, Nagatha Christie?"