The best Quotes and Jokes about Fat People

Chefkoch: "Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him."
Stan: "Marry him?"
Chefkoch: "It definitely worked for every woman i ever met."

Chef in South Park - Season 6 Episode 2

If you're worried about people seeing your ass, do what all the other girls do and tie a sweater around your waist.

Perry Cox in Scrubs - Season 2 Episode 5

Ass

"Dawn Schweitzer is a fat virgin."
"Still half true."

Mean Girls

Sassy Quotes

Robin: "I'm pregnant."
Barney: "Are you sure you're not just getting fat?"

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother - Season 7 Episode 12

McDonald's is the reason why I'm out of shape. I would have got a salad, but you didn't have the option. So I was like, well, I guess I got to get 52 BigMacs. Thanks a lot McDonald's!

Bill Burr

McDonald's

A recent survey of North American males found 42% were overweight, 34% were critically obese and 8% ate the survey.

Banksy

Trench: "Have you been sick? You've lost weight."
Barney Ross: "Whatever I've lost you've found, pal."

The Expendables

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

Bill Maher

Facebook Stalkers

Bob: "He looks like a child molester. Louise, don't serve him. Let Gene bring it."
Gene: "Why do I have to get molested?"
Bob: "Because he's not gonna molest you."
Gene: "Why?"
Bob: "You're heavy."

Bob Belcher in Bob's Burgers - Season 1 Episode 1

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

Rodney Dangerfield

Reducing Weight

Zach Galifianakis: "You played in a movie called The Hunger Games."
Jennifer Lawrence: "Yeah. Isn't that your life story?"
Zach Galifianakis: "You shouldn't say that. That's off-putting."
Jennifer Lawrence: "You should be off-pudding. Because you're fat."

Jennifer Lawrence in Between Two Ferns

The Hunger Games

Kim has a fat ass, so, like it would save her herself. It's like a floatation device.

Khloé Kardashian in The Kardashians

Ass

I've said in the past that if I were Prime Minister, I would ban obesity.

Katie Hopkins

None of us wanted to be the bass player. In our minds he was the fat guy who always played at the back.

Paul McCartney - about The Beatles

The Beatles

Rule number one for surviving Zombieland: Cardio. When the virus struck, for obvious reasons, the first ones to go were the fatties.

Columbus in Zombieland

Kidnapper: "You guys watch the main cabin, I will find them. I'll take that fat guy as a human shield."
Peter: "Oh, nice, last guy picked for dodgeball, first guy for human shield."

Peter Griffin in Family Guy - Season 15 Episode 10

It's simple, if it jiggles, it's fat.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Reducing Weight

This woman came in and she was so fat she actually had three smaller women orbiting around her.

Al Bundy in Married... with Children

Zoey: "Don't worry Ted, she's cute."
Barney: "'Cute' means 'fat'!"
Zoey: "She's not fat."
Barney: "'Not fat' means 'ugly'."

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother - Season 6 Episode 15

She really had a fat but: her fat butt!

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother - Season 3 Episode 4

Puns

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You know the thing about good food? It brings folks together from all walks of life.

James in The Princess and the Frog

Food

Everything in this room is eatable. Even I'm eatable. But that is called cannibalism, my dear children, and is in fact frowned upon in most societies.

Willy Wonka in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Food Chocolate

I’m not crazy about reality, but it’s still the only place to get a decent meal.

Ernest Cline in Ready Player One

Food Reality

Mr Willy Wonka can make marshmallows that taste of violets, and rich caramels that change colour every ten seconds as you suck them, and little feathery sweets that melt away deliciously the moment you put them between your lips. He can make chewing-gum that never loses its taste, and sugar balloons that you can blow up to enormous sizes before you pop them with a pin and gobble them up. And, by a most secret method, he can make lovely blue birds' eggs with black spots on them, and when you put one of these in your mouth, it gradually gets smaller and smaller until suddenly there is nothing left except a tiny little darkred sugary baby bird sitting on the tip of your tongue.

Roald Dahl in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

Food

This is America. Anyone can eat what they want, as long as they eat too much.

Homer Simpson in The Simpsons - Season 24 Episode 5

USA Food

The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter... or at least, most minds are.

Severus Snape in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Harry James Potter Spirit Funny Insults

Christ, you two! All I can say is if I ever get anal polyps, I'll know what to name them.

Saul Goodman in Breaking Bad - Season 4 Episode 13

Funny Insults

Longbottom, if brains were gold, you'd be poorer than Weasley, and that's saying something.

Draco Malfoy in Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

Neville Longbottom Funny Insults

I'll be very clear here, because you and I face an evolutionary gap.

John Abruzzi in Prison Break - Season 1 Episode 7

Funny Insults

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Winston Churchill

Dump-Quotes Funny Politician Quotes Funny Insults

Whatever you do in this life, it's not legendary, unless your friends are there to see it.

Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother - Season 9 Episode 17

It's only once you've stopped, that you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it.

Ted Mosby in How I Met Your Mother - Season 6 Episode 3

Breakup Beginning

It's not a crime to be an a-shole, but it's very counter-productive.

Ray Embrey in Hancock

Ass

Don't waste so much time thinking about how much you weigh. There is no more mind-numbing, boring, idiotic, self-destructive diversion from the fun of living.

Meryl Streep

Self-Confidence Reducing Weight

Peeta: "If you die. And I live I'd have nothing. Nobody else that I care about. Nobody needs me."
Katniss: "I do. I need you!"

Peeta Mellark & Katniss Everdeen in The Hunger Games - Catching Fire

I know it's true
It's all because of you
And if you go away
I know you could never stay

The Beatles - Now and Then

Chefkoch: "Why 'oh oh'?"
Gerald Brovlovski: "Chef, that's Johnny Cochran. He's the one that got O.J. off."
Chefkoch: "Oh oh..."

Chef in South Park - Season 2 Episode 14

I love life. Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like... it makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness.

Butters Stotch in South Park - Season 7 Episode 14

Life Breakup Grief & Condolence

J.D.: "What's wrong with me?"
Dr. Cox: "You're an annoying, whining man-child."
J.D.: "That question wasn't directed to you!"
Dr. Cox: "What question?"

Perry Cox in Scrubs - Season 7 Episode 1

J.D.

Because nothing sucks more than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around.

J.D. in Scrubs - Season 2 Episode 18

Solitude & Loneliness

Student: "Nice wig, Janis. What's it made of?"
Janis: "Your mom's chest hair!"

Mean Girls

Funny Insults

Lord Melchett: "Ah, Blackadder, talking to yourself, I see."
Blackadder: "Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation."

Edmund Blackadder in Blackadder

Sassy Quotes

If you wonder why society is going down the drain, take a look at people having children. Then, look at the people who you think would make good parents. That should tell you just about all you need to know.

Bill Burr

In order to get cheap accommodation in Australia, we like foreign people to do manual labour for us. Helping feed the cows is very important, they are the future of McDonald's.

Ozzy Man Reviews - Royal Tour [FEAT. Prince Harry and Meghan]

Australia McDonald's

I mean, they say dou die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time.

Banksy

Memories Death Names Breathing

By the powers vested in me, I now pronounce you man and knife!

Lee Christmas in The Expendables - 2

One-Liners

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Bill Maher

Sex

I threw my 20th birthday party at Brown, and I didn't even have to say to anyone not to put pictures on Facebook. Not a single picture went up. That was when I knew I’d found a solid group of friends, and I felt like I belonged.

Emma Watson

Facebook Social Media

"So, what do you do in your time off?"
"I like stalking."
"Oh, really? I like to go swimming."
"I know."

Stalkers

Bob: "Hey, no nagging my customers!"
Linda: "Don't you yell at my mother!"
Bob: "What's that, Nagatha Christie?"

Bob Belcher in Bob's Burgers - Season 1 Episode 2

The best Quotes and Jokes about Fat People

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