Peter: "How can I be a DJ? I'm just a guy with a laptop and an inflated self-image."
Quagmire: "Trust me, you're perfect!"
How come you Eastern European guys can't be quiter in pornos? I mean, nobody has ever been like, 'yeah, yeah, more guy noises!'Glenn Quagmire in Family Guy, Season 15 Episode 10
'You guys watch the main cabin, I will find them. I'll take that fat guy as a human shield."
Peter: "Oh, nice, last guy picked for dodgeball, first guy for human shield."
'Okay, nobody move!"
Cleveland: "Oh my god, those guys in first class have guns."
Peter: "Cleveland, just be happy with what you have. Don't envy people!"
Peter: "Well, I got the results of your ultrasound and I got some news for ya."
Pregnant Woman: "Wait, wait, wait, we don't wanna if it's a boy or a girl."
Peter: "Oh, okay. Well, IT's not breathing."
Lois: "You're drunk again!"
Peter: "No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking."
Lois: "Oh, my God! You can only play the piano when you're drunk!"
Peter: "That's not true! I can also vomit, fall down and make dirty calls to your sister when I'm drunk!"
My God, it's finally happened. He's become so massive he's collapsed into himself like a neutron star.Stewie Griffin in Family Guy, Season 2 Episode 17
You're the worst thing to happen to musical theater since Andrew Lloyd Webber.Stewie Griffin in Family Guy, Season 2 Episode 7
Chris, this is a big day for you. Today you become the man of the house, because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.Peter Griffin in Family Guy, Season 1 Episode 3
Brian: "Hey Stewie, how do ya not know about trick-or-treating?!"
Stewie: "How do YOU not know that your reflection on your mirror is not another dog?"
I've got an idea. An idea so smart that my head would explode, if I even began to know what I'm talking about.Peter Griffin in Family Guy
Lois: "Why should I get my tubes tied? You should get a vasectomy!"
Peter: "First, I don't know what that is. And two, no freakin' way."
Lois: "I think I'm pregnant."
Peter: "Oh, are you sure it's yours?"
Lois, men aren't fat. Only fat women are fat.Peter Griffin in Family Guy, Season 4 Episode 22
Boy, fat sex is the best sex we've ever had! Last night there were so many boobs I didn't know who's boobs I was grabbin'.Peter Griffin in Family Guy, Season 4 Episode 22
Peter: "I hope you're not pregnant, we can't afford another kid. We already got Chris, Stewie, Richie, Joanie, Greg, Marsha, Bobby, Jan, Mike Seaver, Carol Seaver, Boner, Urkel, Mr. Furley..."
Brian: "Peter those aren't your kids. That's the Nick-At-Night lineup."
Peter: "...Blanka, Zangief, Chun-Li, Guile, E. Honda..."
Brian: "That's Street Fighters!"
Peter: "...red, blue, green..."
Brian: "Those are colors!"
Lois: "You've never even had a boyfriend more than a few weeks."
Meg: "I have two, remember when I dated the Count?"
Count Count: "One nipple. Two nipples. Three nip- oh, hell no! I'm outta here!"
Ouh, that's gotta hurt worse than getting a birthday telegram from Zinédine Zidane.Stewie Griffin in Family Guy
If you cooked any more slowly, you wouldn't need an egg timer; you'd need an egg calendar.Stewie Griffin in Family Guy