My ex-boyfriend, he was really into family. He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.Amy Schumer
"You'll never find someone like me again!"
"That's the plan."
Elliot: "I'm notifying all my old boyfriends today that I'm officially off the market."
Dr. Cox: "I'm sure the 'pulse' setting on your shower head will be devastated!"
It's a shame, you paying all that money for an ex-wife and an ex-wife's house, and you're not allowed inside either one.Berta in Two and a half Men, Season 3 Episode 4
"I wasn't that drunk!"
"Dude, you told your Ex that the smartest thing to ever come out of her mouth was your cum."
What do ex-wives and hurricanes have in common? When they go, they take your house and your car.Unknown