Quote by Eric Cartman (Season 6 Episode 1)

I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 6 Episode 1

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All I think about is all the problems our generation is inheriting. Climate change, over fishing, Kyle... I mean, how are we supposed to get happy about anything?

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 23 Episode 1

Do you know what love is, Scott? I'll tell you one thing, it's not the happy ending that Disney movies promised us. There's no 'happily ever after'. There's just work and anger and pain and more work, and then, every once in a while, a little bit of fun.

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 23 Episode 9

Wilson Aubry: "You victimize innocent people and poop in little girls' mouths."
Eric Cartman: "That's not true, Wilson. We're Coon and Friends, not Harvey Weinstein."

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 21 Episode 4

2017

When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls, dude.

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 14 Episode 10

Relationships

[Playing Chatroulette with Kyle] This is the way the world works, if you want to find some quality friends you have to wade through all the dicks fist.

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 14 Episode 4

Friendship

Is that something I'd want to do? Is the Pope Catholic and making the world safe for pedophiles?

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 14 Episode 3

Do you know what happened to the last people Germans were pissed off at? Tell him, Kyle!

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 15 Episode 2

Stan: "Dude, it actually wasn't a dolphin and a whale who bombed hiroshima, it was the..."
Cartman: "Dude, they won't rest until whoever is responsible is completely wiped out!"

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 13 Episode 11

Hiroshima

Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman.

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 13 Episode 1

Mouth

Cartman: "Went to sleep in my mom's car in the garage with the engine turned on."
Stan: "You didn't die?"
Cartman: "Freakin' hybrids, man. They just don't do the trick anymore."

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 12 Episode 13

Terrorist: "America had other enemies before the Muslims, you know? Who is America's oldest enemy?"
Cartman: "The Russians?"
Terrorist: "Before that!"
Cartman: "The Germans?"
Terrorist: "Before that."
Cartman: "The Germans again?"

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 11 Episode 4

The only way to fight hate is with even more hate!

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 9 Episode 11

Cartman: "Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it..."
Stan: "And then what?"
Cartman: "...and then you pee on them!"
Kyle: "No, dude! You're supposed to put their hand in warm water to make THEM pee!"
Cartman: "Really? Oh well."

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 6 Episode 2

Stan: "Dude, I wonder where Kyle is."
Cartman: "Maybe he caught a disease and died, that'd be so awesome."
Stan: "Dude that's not funny, you shouldn't joke about that."
Cartman: "Who's joking?"

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 7 Episode 11

What's the matter, you got some sand in your v-gina?

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 5 Episode 2

But, years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, where you could have made a difference. Where you could've told Scott Tenorman: 'You may take our pride, but you will never take my god damn $16.12!'

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 5 Episode 1

Stan: "Dude, we don't have any musical talent."
Cartman: "That didn't stop any of the other boy bands, dumbass!"

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 4 Episode 9

We're trying to find the Brown Noise, it's this one pitch, this certain frequency, that makes people loose bowel control.

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 3 Episode 17

If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack, and blow your balls all over your pants!

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 2 Episode 8

Stan: "What the hell are you doing?"
Cartman: "My mom said lesbians lick carpet."

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 1 Episode 11

Cartman: "I sneaked around my mom's closet and saw what I'm getting: the Ultra Vibe Pleasure 2000."
Stan: "What's that?"
Cartman: "I don't know, but it sounds sweet."

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 1 Episode 9

Stan: "Dolphins are intelligent and friendly!"
Cartman: "Intelligent and friendly on rye bread."
Stan: "Dolphins are smarter than you!"
Cartman: "Then why do they live in igloos?"
Stan: "That's not dolphins, that's Eskimos!"
Cartman: "Who cares? It's tree-hugging hippie crap."

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 1 Episode 2

Dolphins Hippies

Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire!

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 1 Episode 7

Alcohol

Eric Cartman in South Park - Season 6 Episode 2

I love life. Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like... it makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness.

Butters Stotch in South Park - Season 7 Episode 14

Life Breakup Grief & Condolence

A bl*wjob isn't with your mouth, it's with your heart. Now get on your knees and put that heart to work.

Randy Marsh in South Park - Season 15 Episode 11

Mouth

Haven't Luke Skywalker and Santa Claus affected your lives more than most real people in this room? I mean, whether Jesus is real or not, he's had a bigger impact on the world than any of us have. And the same could be said of Bugs Bunny... and Superman and Harry Potter. They've changed my life, changed the way I act on the Earth. Doesn't that make them kind of real?

Kyle Broflovski in South Park - Season 11 Episode 12

Luke Skywalker Superman Bugs Bunny Imagination Santa Claus

Stan: "Rings that say they not gonna have sex or doing anything naughty anymore."
Butters: "A ring that says you'll be together but not have sex... isn't that called the wedding ring?"

Butters Stotch in South Park - Season 13 Episode 1

Gerald Broflovski: "Well that does it, I'm going to the police!"
Stan: "For what?"
Gerald Broflovski: "To find out where Apple is keeping my son."
Stan: "Dude, when the police want to know where somebody is, they ask Apple!"

Stan Marsh in South Park - Season 15 Episode 1

Apple

Cartman: "I'm not the one walking around all day like Pippi Longstocking."
Stan: "Well, at least my mom isn't on the cover of Crack Wh*re magazine."

Stan Marsh in South Park - Season 1 Episode 7

Pippi Longstocking

Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!

Kyle Broflovski in South Park - Season 1 Episode 1

Stan: "I know what did cause the flood."
Kyle: "George Bush?"
Stan: "No!"
Kyle: "Terrorists?"
Stan: "No!"
Kyle: "Communists?"
Stan: "Nein!"
Kyle: "Chinese radicals"
Stan: "Nein!"
Kyle: "Cartman?"
Stan: "Sort of..."

Kyle Broflovski in South Park - Season 9 Episode 8

Chefkoch: "Well, if you want him to get really fat as fast as possible, one of you will have to marry him."
Stan: "Marry him?"
Chefkoch: "It definitely worked for every woman i ever met."

Chef in South Park - Season 6 Episode 2

Fat People

Chefkoch: "Why 'oh oh'?"
Gerald Brovlovski: "Chef, that's Johnny Cochran. He's the one that got O.J. off."
Chefkoch: "Oh oh..."

Chef in South Park - Season 2 Episode 14

I'm not gonna be confused anymore just because you say I should be! My name is Butters, I'm eight years old, I'm blood type O, and I'm bi-curious! And even that's okay! Because if I'm bi-curious, and I'm somehow made from God, then I think your God must be a little bi-curious himself!

Butters Stotch in South Park - Season 11 Episode 2

Mr. Stotch: "Butters, away from the window, you're being grounded."
Butters: "Sorry dad. I was just being the voice of a generation."

Butters Stotch in South Park - Season 14 Episode 2

I'm not high! I haven't been high since Wednesday. Oh, oh it is Wednesday?

Towelie in South Park

Towelie: "I can't remember. It all looks the same. Hang on, let me get high. Then I'll remember where it is."
Stan: "Alright, so where is it?"
Towelie: "Where's what?"

Towelie in South Park

Mr Garrison: "What is 5x2? Come on, children. Don't be shy, just give it your best shot. Yes, Clyde?"
Clyde: "12?"
Mr Garrison: "Okay, now let's try to get an answer from someone who's not a complete retard."

Mr. Garrison in South Park

Mr. Garrison: "Then maybe you can tell me who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early sixties."
Eric Cartman: "A bunch of fat old sk-nks on their periods?"
Mr. Garrison: "Right, but who was the fattest oldest sk-nk on her period?"

Mr. Garrison in South Park - Season 7 Episode 5

I've learned something today. You can't win all the time. If you don't win, you can't hold it against the person who did. Because that's the only way you ever really lose.

Wendy Testaburger in South Park - Season 1 Episode 2

Cartman: "After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous."
Wendy: "Hitler was famous too."

Wendy Testaburger in South Park - Season 1 Episode 2

Adolf Hitler

Randy: "Can't you see that if we fall to New Jersey, California is next?"
Schwarzenegger: "No, because Utah is between Colorado and California."
Randy: "Fine. Well, when Utah gets taken over by New Jersey, then who's next?"
Schwarzenegger: "Nevada."
Randy: "Oh really? Okay Mr. 'I'm Awesome at Geography'!"

Randy Marsh in South Park - Season 14 Episode 9

Everything's legal in Mexico, it's the American way.

Uncle Jimbo in South Park - Season 2 Episode 8

Mexico

Officer Barbrady: "Well just as soon as I handle all the other crime in South Park, I'm gonna go with you to the planetarium, so I can prove that nothing's wrong."
Stan: "What other crime in South Park?"
Officer Barbrady: "Oh yeah... let's go."

Officer Barbrady in South Park - Season 2 Episode 11

Officer Barbrady, let's pretend for one second that we had a competent law enforcement officer in this town. What would he do?

Mayor McDaniels in South Park - Season 2 Episode 2

Quote by Eric Cartman (Season 6 Episode 1)

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