The best Quotes by Eric Cartman

Eric Cartman is a character from the TV show South Park.

The best Quotes by Eric Cartman

Do you know what love is, Scott? I'll tell you one thing, it's not the happy ending that Disney movies promised us. There's no 'happily ever after'. There's just work and anger and pain and more work, and then, every once in a while, a little bit of fun.

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 23 Episode 9
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Wilson Aubry: 'You victimize innocent people and poop in little girls' mouths.'
Eric Cartman: 'That's not true, Wilson. We're Coon and Friends, not Harvey Weinstein.'

2017Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 21 Episode 4
 
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When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls, dude.

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 14 Episode 10
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[Playing Chatroulette with Kyle] This is the way the world works, if you want to find some quality friends you have to wade through all the dicks fist.

FriendshipEric Cartman in South Park, Season 14 Episode 4
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Is that something I'd want to do? Is the Pope Catholic and making the world safe for pedophiles?

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 14 Episode 3
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Do you know what happened to the last people Germans were pissed off at? Tell him, Kyle!

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 15 Episode 2
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Stan: 'Dude,it actually wasn't a dolphin and a whale who bombed hiroshima, it was the...'
Cartman: 'Dude, they won't rest until whoever is responsible is completely wiped out!'

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season Season 13 Episode 11
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Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman.

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 13 Episode 1
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Cartman: 'Went to sleep in my mom's car in the garage with the engine turned on.'
Stan: 'You didn't die?'
Cartman: 'Freakin' hybrids, man. They just don't do the trick anymore.'

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 12 Episode 13
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Terrorist: 'America had other enemies before the Muslims, you know? Who is America's oldest enemy?'
Cartman: 'The Russians?'
Terrorist: 'Before that!'
Cartman: 'The Germans?'
Terrorist: 'Before that.'
Cartman: 'The Germans again?'

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 11 Episode 4
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The only way to fight hate is with even more hate!

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 9 Episode 11
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Cartman: 'Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it...'
Stan: 'And then what?'
Cartman: '...and then you pee on them!'
Kyle: 'No, dude! You're supposed to put their hand in warm water to make THEM pee!'
Cartman: 'Really? Oh well.'

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 6 Episode 2
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I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 6 Episode 1
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Stan: 'Dude, I wonder where Kyle is.'
Cartman: 'Maybe he caught a disease and died, that'd be so awesome.'
Stan: 'Dude that's not funny, you shouldn't joke about that.'
Cartman: 'Who's joking?'

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 7 Episode 11
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What's the matter, you got some sand in your vagina?

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 5 Episode 2
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But, years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, where you could have made a difference. Where you could've told Scott Tenorman: 'You may take our pride, but you will never take my god damn $16.12!'

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 5 Episode 1
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Stan: 'Dude, we don't have any musical talent.'
Cartman: 'That didn't stop any of the other boy bands, dumbass!'

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 4 Episode 9
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We're trying to find the Brown Noise, it's this one pitch, this certain frequency, that makes people loose bowel control.

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 3 Episode 17
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If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack, and blow your balls all over your pants!

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 2 Episode 8
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Stan: 'What the hell are you doing?'
Cartman: 'My mom said lesbians lick carpet.'

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 1 Episode 11
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Cartman: 'I sneaked around my mom's closet and saw what I'm getting: the Ultra Vibe Pleasure 2000.'
Stan: 'What's that?'
Cartman: 'I don't know, but it sounds sweet.'

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 1 Episode 9
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Stan: 'Dolphins are intelligent and friendly!'
Cartman: 'Intelligent and friendly on rye bread.'
Stan: 'Dolphins are smarter than you!'
Cartman: 'Then why do they live in igloos?'
Stan: 'That's not dolphins, that's Eskimos!'
Cartman: 'Who cares? It's tree-hugging hippie crap.'

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 1 Episode 2
 
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Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire!

AlcoholEric Cartman in South Park, Season 1 Episode 7
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Cartman: 'Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it...'
Stan: 'And then what?'
Cartman: '...and then you pee on them!'

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 6 Episode 2
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I've never heard the words 'only' and 'candy' in the same sentence before.

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 6 Episode 12
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I would never let a woman kick my ass! If she tried anything, I'd be like 'Hey! Get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!'

Eric Cartman in South Park, Season 1 Episode 5
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