Quotes by Eric Cartman (South Park)

Quotes by Eric Cartman (South Park)
Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 23 Episode 9

Do you know what love is, Scott? I'll tell you one thing, it's not the happy ending that Disney movies promised us. There's no 'happily ever after'. There's just work and anger and pain and more work, and then, every once in a while, a little bit of fun.

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 21 Episode 4

Wilson Aubry: 'You victimize innocent people and poop in little girls' mouths.'
Eric Cartman: 'That's not true, Wilson. We're Coon and Friends, not Harvey Weinstein.'

2017
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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 14 Episode 10

When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls, dude.

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 14 Episode 4

[Playing Chatroulette with Kyle] This is the way the world works, if you want to find some quality friends you have to wade through all the dicks fist.

Friendship
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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 14 Episode 3

Is that something I'd want to do? Is the Pope Catholic and making the world safe for pedophiles?

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 15 Episode 2

Do you know what happened to the last people Germans were pissed off at? Tell him, Kyle!

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season Season 13 Episode 11

Stan: 'Dude,it actually wasn't a dolphin and a whale who bombed hiroshima, it was the...'
Cartman: 'Dude, they won't rest until whoever is responsible is completely wiped out!'

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 13 Episode 1

Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman.

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 12 Episode 13

Cartman: 'Went to sleep in my mom's car in the garage with the engine turned on.'
Stan: 'You didn't die?'
Cartman: 'Freakin' hybrids, man. They just don't do the trick anymore.'

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 11 Episode 4

Terrorist: 'America had other enemies before the Muslims, you know? Who is America's oldest enemy?'
Cartman: 'The Russians?'
Terrorist: 'Before that!'
Cartman: 'The Germans?'
Terrorist: 'Before that.'
Cartman: 'The Germans again?'

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 9 Episode 11

The only way to fight hate is with even more hate!

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 6 Episode 2

Cartman: 'Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it...'
Stan: 'And then what?'
Cartman: '...and then you pee on them!'
Kyle: 'No, dude! You're supposed to put their hand in warm water to make THEM pee!'
Cartman: 'Really? Oh well.'

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 6 Episode 1

I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 7 Episode 11

Stan: 'Dude, I wonder where Kyle is.'
Cartman: 'Maybe he caught a disease and died, that'd be so awesome.'
Stan: 'Dude that's not funny, you shouldn't joke about that.'
Cartman: 'Who's joking?'

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 5 Episode 2

What's the matter, you got some sand in your vagina?

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 5 Episode 1

But, years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, where you could have made a difference. Where you could've told Scott Tenorman: 'You may take our pride, but you will never take my god damn $16.12!'

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 4 Episode 9

Stan: 'Dude, we don't have any musical talent.'
Cartman: 'That didn't stop any of the other boy bands, dumbass!'

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 3 Episode 17

We're trying to find the Brown Noise, it's this one pitch, this certain frequency, that makes people loose bowel control.

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 2 Episode 8

If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack, and blow your balls all over your pants!

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 1 Episode 11

Stan: 'What the hell are you doing?'
Cartman: 'My mom said lesbians lick carpet.'

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 1 Episode 9

Cartman: 'I sneaked around my mom's closet and saw what I'm getting: the Ultra Vibe Pleasure 2000.'
Stan: 'What's that?'
Cartman: 'I don't know, but it sounds sweet.'

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 1 Episode 2

Stan: 'Dolphins are intelligent and friendly!'
Cartman: 'Intelligent and friendly on rye bread.'
Stan: 'Dolphins are smarter than you!'
Cartman: 'Then why do they live in igloos?'
Stan: 'That's not dolphins, that's Eskimos!'
Cartman: 'Who cares? It's tree-hugging hippie crap.'

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 1 Episode 7

Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire!

Alcohol
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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 6 Episode 2

Cartman: 'Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it...'
Stan: 'And then what?'
Cartman: '...and then you pee on them!'

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 6 Episode 12

I've never heard the words 'only' and 'candy' in the same sentence before.

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Quote by Eric Cartman from South Park in Season 1 Episode 5

I would never let a woman kick my ass! If she tried anything, I'd be like 'Hey! Get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!'

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