Quotes by Eric Cartman (South Park)

Do you know what love is, Scott? I'll tell you one thing, it's not the happy ending that Disney movies promised us. There's no 'happily ever after'. There's just work and anger and pain and more work, and then, every once in a while, a little bit of fun.

Wilson Aubry: 'You victimize innocent people and poop in little girls' mouths.'
Eric Cartman: 'That's not true, Wilson. We're Coon and Friends, not Harvey Weinstein.'

When a chick says we need to talk, you might as well start punching yourself in the balls, dude.

[Playing Chatroulette with Kyle] This is the way the world works, if you want to find some quality friends you have to wade through all the dicks fist.

Is that something I'd want to do? Is the Pope Catholic and making the world safe for pedophiles?

Do you know what happened to the last people Germans were pissed off at? Tell him, Kyle!

Stan: 'Dude,it actually wasn't a dolphin and a whale who bombed hiroshima, it was the...'
Cartman: 'Dude, they won't rest until whoever is responsible is completely wiped out!'

Statistically speaking, the most bacteria-ridden place on the planet is the mouth of an American woman.

Cartman: 'Went to sleep in my mom's car in the garage with the engine turned on.'
Stan: 'You didn't die?'
Cartman: 'Freakin' hybrids, man. They just don't do the trick anymore.'

Terrorist: 'America had other enemies before the Muslims, you know? Who is America's oldest enemy?'
Cartman: 'The Russians?'
Terrorist: 'Before that!'
Cartman: 'The Germans?'
Terrorist: 'Before that.'
Cartman: 'The Germans again?'

The only way to fight hate is with even more hate!

Cartman: 'Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it...'
Stan: 'And then what?'
Cartman: '...and then you pee on them!'
Kyle: 'No, dude! You're supposed to put their hand in warm water to make THEM pee!'
Cartman: 'Really? Oh well.'

I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!

Stan: 'Dude, I wonder where Kyle is.'
Cartman: 'Maybe he caught a disease and died, that'd be so awesome.'
Stan: 'Dude that's not funny, you shouldn't joke about that.'
Cartman: 'Who's joking?'

What's the matter, you got some sand in your vagina?

But, years from now, when you're old and have children of your own, what would you give to come back and fight this one day? This one day, where you could have made a difference. Where you could've told Scott Tenorman: 'You may take our pride, but you will never take my god damn $16.12!'

Stan: 'Dude, we don't have any musical talent.'
Cartman: 'That didn't stop any of the other boy bands, dumbass!'

We're trying to find the Brown Noise, it's this one pitch, this certain frequency, that makes people loose bowel control.

If you so much as touch Kitty's ass, I'll put firecrackers in your nut sack, and blow your balls all over your pants!

Stan: 'What the hell are you doing?'
Cartman: 'My mom said lesbians lick carpet.'

Cartman: 'I sneaked around my mom's closet and saw what I'm getting: the Ultra Vibe Pleasure 2000.'
Stan: 'What's that?'
Cartman: 'I don't know, but it sounds sweet.'

Stan: 'Dolphins are intelligent and friendly!'
Cartman: 'Intelligent and friendly on rye bread.'
Stan: 'Dolphins are smarter than you!'
Cartman: 'Then why do they live in igloos?'
Stan: 'That's not dolphins, that's Eskimos!'
Cartman: 'Who cares? It's tree-hugging hippie crap.'

Too bad drinking scotch isn't a paying job, or else Kenny's dad would be a millionaire!

Cartman: 'Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it...'
Stan: 'And then what?'
Cartman: '...and then you pee on them!'

I've never heard the words 'only' and 'candy' in the same sentence before.

I would never let a woman kick my ass! If she tried anything, I'd be like 'Hey! Get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!'