Quote by Dwight Schrute (Season 5 Episode 27)

Bob: "Mind if I steal my wife?"
Dwight: "You can't steal what is legally your property."

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 5 Episode 27

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What's the problem? Grunting is scientifically proven to add more power. Ask any female tennis player, or her husband.

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What's the argument here? NBA. WNBA. One is a sport, one is a joke. I love sports, I love jokes. Room for all.

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 7 Episode 23

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My perfect Valentine's Day? I'm at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.

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A horse is a bike that pedals itself.

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I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. Nah, I'm kdding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 5 Episode 28

Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a depression-era practicality, and then moved to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year.

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Birthday

Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 3 Episode 3

Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 2 Episode 21

I like the people I work with, generally. With four exceptions. But someone committed a crime. And I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy to make friends. And, by the way, I haven't.

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 2 Episode 20

Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can and do cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 2 Episode 19

Sounds like you're too sick to come into work but you're well enough to go to the pharmacy!

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 2 Episode 13

I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life.

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 2 Episode 6

The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts... not for me, for my children - the Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 1 Episode 6

One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I'm better at hiding than they are... at vision.

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 1 Episode 4

All right. Who did this? I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it, so I can punish them.

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 1 Episode 3

Schrute: "Never been sick. Perfect immune system."
Jim: "Well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies."
Schrute: "I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute."

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 1 Episode 3

I don't believe in coddling people. In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild, healthcare is: Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. And I'm dead.
Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 1 Episode 3

He put my stuff in Jell-O again! That's real professional. Thanks. This is the third time, and it wasn't funny the first two times either, Jim!

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 1 Episode 1

Pam: "Jim and I have never and will never have sex in the office."
Jim: "No, because the office isn't what I'd consider a romantic place."
Pam: "Besides, we have something those other people don't have, which is a home and a bed."
Jim: "And a shower."

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If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, bin Laden, and Toby - I would shoot Toby twice.

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 6 Episode 25

Toby Flenderson

You need somebody who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never...- I don't know him.

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 6 Episode 9

Michael: "You will be thin. You won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore. You will find love."
Kevin: "Michael, I'm pretty much okay with who I am now."
Michael: "Don't be. You should never settle for who you are."

Michael Scott in The Office - Season 7 Episode 22

Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart.

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Romeo and Juliet

I'm not going to tell my nine-months-pregnant wife that I find her replacement objectively attractive. Just like I'm not going to tell my two-year-old daughter that violent video games are objectively more fun. It's true, but it doesn't help anybody.

Jim Halpert in The Office - Season 8 Episode 7

I am on the first hot sale streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding CeCe, because no matter how much she resists, I sell her those carrots. Let's be honest - if I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob... I can pretty much sell anything.

Jim Halpert in The Office - Season 7 Episode 9

Jim: "What about and energy drink?"
Pam: "It gets in the breast milk. If I drink it, CeCe drinks it six hours later."
Jim: "It doesn't mean I can't drink it."
Pam: "Well, it does and it doesn't."

Pam Beesly in The Office - Season 6 Episode 25

It's not about who you've been with. It's about who you end up with. Sometimes the heart doesn't know what it wants until it finds what it wants.

Pam Beesly in The Office - Season 6 Episode 22

Michael: "Phyllis did injure herself, but she injured herself having fun and I don't think she'd trade that memory for anything."
Stanley: "I would like the memory of a day uninterrupted by this nonsense."

Stanley Hudson in The Office - Season 5 Episode 27

I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. You think my nipples don't get sore too?

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Michael: "Excuse me, everyone... Sex! Now that I have your attention...-"
Stanley: "You don't have our attention."
Michael: "Money!"
Stanley: "I'm listening."
Kevin: "You had me at 'Sex'."

Kevin Malone in The Office - Season 7 Episode 9

Creed: "I've never seen herpes on you."
Meredith: "'Cause it's on my genitals, genius."
Kevin: "You have a p-nis?"

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I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?

Ryan Howard in The Office

Kelly Kapoor

Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know that impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year.

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Michael's like a movie on a plane. You know, it's not great, but it's something to watch.

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Airplanes

This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest, scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.

Toby Flenderson in The Office - Season 3 Episode 18

I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.

Andy Bernard in The Office

Jim Halpert's off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office.

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Jim Halpert

When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more.

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When I was younger I always wanted to be an actor in commercials, then I realized I had a brain.

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Advertising & Marketing

Pam: "We got you this."
Michael: "Oh, vino."
Jan: "Oh, well, Pam, thank you. Tremendous. This will be great to cook with - really."

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Do you not answer emails anymore? Because I've emailed you four times asking you to come to my desk.

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What did I say? I talk a lot, so I've learned to just tune myself out.

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Quote by Dwight Schrute (Season 5 Episode 27)

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