Quote by Dwight Schrute (about Birthday)

Quote by Dwight Schrute (about Birthday)

Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a depression-era practicality, and then moved to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year.

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 5 Episode 17

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I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. Nah, I'm kdding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.

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Dwight: "You can't steal what is legally your property."

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Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.

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Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 2 Episode 21

I like the people I work with, generally. With four exceptions. But someone committed a crime. And I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy to make friends. And, by the way, I haven't.

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 2 Episode 20

Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can and do cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.

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Sounds like you're too sick to come into work but you're well enough to go to the pharmacy!

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I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life.

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The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts... not for me, for my children - the Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.

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One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I'm better at hiding than they are... at vision.

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All right. Who did this? I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it, so I can punish them.

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Schrute: "Never been sick. Perfect immune system."
Jim: "Well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies."
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I don't believe in coddling people. In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild, healthcare is: Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. And I'm dead.
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He put my stuff in Jell-O again! That's real professional. Thanks. This is the third time, and it wasn't funny the first two times either, Jim!

Dwight Schrute in The Office - Season 1 Episode 1

Pam: "Jim and I have never and will never have sex in the office."
Jim: "No, because the office isn't what I'd consider a romantic place."
Pam: "Besides, we have something those other people don't have, which is a home and a bed."
Jim: "And a shower."

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You need somebody who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never...- I don't know him.

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All grown-ups were once children... but only few of them remember it.

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Keep true to the dreams of thy youth.

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Michael: "You will be thin. You won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore. You will find love."
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Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart.

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I'm not going to tell my nine-months-pregnant wife that I find her replacement objectively attractive. Just like I'm not going to tell my two-year-old daughter that violent video games are objectively more fun. It's true, but it doesn't help anybody.

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I am on the first hot sale streak of my life. I think it all comes from feeding CeCe, because no matter how much she resists, I sell her those carrots. Let's be honest - if I can make mushed carrots seem better than a boob... I can pretty much sell anything.

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Jim: "What about and energy drink?"
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Jim: "It doesn't mean I can't drink it."
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I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They're always complaining. I have varicose veins too. I have swollen ankles. I'm constantly hungry. You think my nipples don't get sore too?

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Creed: "I've never seen herpes on you."
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I'd rather she be alone than with somebody. Is that love?

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Anybody can be Prince Charming one day a year with the dinner and the flowers and all that. But you know that impresses me? When a guy can do that no days a year.

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This may be the first time that a male subordinate has attempted to get a modest, scheduled raise by threatening to withhold sex from a female superior. It will be a groundbreaking case when it inevitably goes to trial.

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I wish there was a way to know you're in the good old days before you've actually left them.

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Jim Halpert's off the market. Guess who just became the best looking single guy in the office.

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When I heard Jim and Pam had kissed, my reaction was to have lots of long talks with Jim about our feelings. Roy just attacked him. I'm not sure which one Jim hated more.

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When I was younger I always wanted to be an actor in commercials, then I realized I had a brain.

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Pam: "We got you this."
Michael: "Oh, vino."
Jan: "Oh, well, Pam, thank you. Tremendous. This will be great to cook with - really."

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Related pages

Dwight Schrute

Michael Scott

Jim Halpert

Stanley Hudson

Kevin Malone

Ryan Howard

Toby Flenderson