My perfect Valentine's Day? I'm at home, three cell phones in front of me, fielding desperate calls from people who want to buy one of the 50 restaurant reservations I made over six months ago.Valentine's DayDwight Schrute in The Office, Season 7 Episode 16
I have an appointment with the horse doctor. How that horse became a doctor, I don't know. Nah, I'm kdding. He's just a regular doctor who shoots your horse in the head when its leg is broken.Dwight Schrute in The Office, Season 5 Episode 28
Bob: "Mind if I steal my wife?"
Dwight: "You can't steal what is legally your property."
Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a depression-era practicality, and then moved to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year.Dwight Schrute in The Office, Season 5 Episode 17
Reject a woman and she will never let it go. One of the many defects of their kind. Also, weak arms.Dwight Schrute in The Office, Season 3 Episode 3
Security in this office park is a joke. Last year I came to work with my spud gun in a duffel bag. I sat at my desk all day with a rifle that shoots potatoes at 60 pounds per square inch. Can you imagine if I was deranged?Dwight Schrute in The Office, Season 2 Episode 21
I like the people I work with, generally. With four exceptions. But someone committed a crime. And I did not become a Lackawanna County Volunteer Sheriff's Deputy to make friends. And, by the way, I haven't.Dwight Schrute in The Office, Season 2 Episode 20
Why tip someone for a job I'm capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can and do cut my own hair. I did, however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.Dwight Schrute in The Office, Season 2 Episode 19
Sounds like you're too sick to come into work but you're well enough to go to the pharmacy!Dwight Schrute in The Office, Season 2 Episode 13
I come from a long line of fighters. My maternal grandfather was the toughest guy I ever knew. World War II veteran. Killed 20 men then spent the rest of the war in an allied prison camp. My father battled blood pressure and obesity all his life.Dwight Schrute in The Office, Season 2 Episode 6
The purse girl hits everything on my checklist. Creamy skin, straight teeth, curly hair, amazing breasts... not for me, for my children - the Schrutes produce very thirsty babies.Dwight Schrute in The Office, Season 1 Episode 6
One thing about deer, they have very good vision. One thing about me, I'm better at hiding than they are... at vision.Dwight Schrute in The Office, Season 1 Episode 4
All right. Who did this? I'm not mad, I just want to know who did it, so I can punish them.Dwight Schrute in The Office, Season 1 Episode 3
Schrute: "Never been sick. Perfect immune system."
Jim: "Well, if you've never been sick, then you don't have any antibodies."
Schrute: "I don't need them. Superior genes. I'm a Schrute."
I don't believe in coddling people. In the wild, there is no healthcare. In the wild, healthcare is: Ow, I hurt my leg. I can't run. A lion eats me. And I'm dead.
Well, I'm not dead. I'm the lion. You're dead.
He put my stuff in Jell-O again! That's real professional. Thanks. This is the third time, and it wasn't funny the first two times either, Jim!Dwight Schrute in The Office, Season 1 Episode 1