The best Quotes from Dungeons & Dragons

Doric: "What is it exactly that you bring to this?"
Elgin: "I'm a planner. I make plans."
Doric: "You've already made the plan, so...-"
Elgin: "If the existing plan fails, I make a new plan."
Doric: "So you make plans that fail?"

Elgin: "To give us a fighting chance we're going to need strength. You got this, right?"
Holga: "Ich schon, du nicht."

Elgin: "Truth be told. We helped the wrong person steal the wrong thing. We didn't mean to unleash the greatest evil the world has ever known. But we're going to fix it."
Holga: "Well how do we pull that off?"
Elgin: "Uh..."
Holga: "Figure it out over a drink?"
Elgin: "Probably best."

And when you do this, you're bound to make enemies. Sometimes, those enemies come looking for revenge.

Who needs heroes when you have thieves?

Dungeons & Dragons is about storytelling in worlds of swords and sorcery. It shares elements with childhood games of make-believe. Like those games, D&D is driven by imagination. It's about picturing the towering castle beneath the stormy night sky and imagining how a fantasy adventurer might react to the challenges that scene presents.

Rajesh: "I don't know if I want to play anymore."
Sheldon: "Because you don't have a girlfriend? Well, good Lord, if that becomes a reason not to play Dungeons & Dragons, this game's in serious trouble."

Never trust a smiling gamemaster!

The dice giveth and the dice taketh away.

I am the gamemaster.
Rule #1: You do what I tell you to do.
Rule #2: I'm always right.
Rule #3: In case I'm not right, execute rule #1.

Hello, everyone! And welcome to tonight's episode of Critical Role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and play Dungeons and Dragons.

It's nearly impossible to enforce actual consequences in video games at the moment, but at a table, sitting face-to-face across a tabletop game, or even playing at a LAN party, sportsmanship matters.

I am both happy and miserable, without the happy part!

You know, if I could click you, you wouldn’t know a moment’s peace!

A Man's mortality is a compass that points his way in life.

You truly know very little, about very little. Have you bashed your head against every rock that has fallen from the Mountain of Ignorance?

A thousand deaths, and you recover from each. Not so the mind, the mind is much more fragile. Its scars run deep and do not heal. The brain is encased in a hard bone shell, difficult to breach, but with no defense against that which eats at it from within.

Strength lies in knowing oneself.

No good comes of evil roots, I fear.

Kashaw: "Is there a weak point?"
Scanlan: "Our plan."

Right. I have an intelligence of 6. I know what I'm doing.

Vax'ildan: "Good sir dwarf, clearly we are idiots."
Dungeon Master: "That's the first true thing you've said since you called me out of my meal."

Oh, Kern, do you need some d-ck? Because I gave some to your mom last night!

In fact, we'll be keeping your weapons, your armor, and, I believe, your pride.

Dagger's so sharp it could cut the sexual tension.

Hello, I'd like to share the news of our lord and savior, my axe in your face!

Leonard: "For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to... hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?"
Sheldon: "You have a sarcasm sign?"

Leonard: "I've dated plenty of women. There was Joyce Kim... Leslie Winkle..."
Sheldon: "Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary. The word 'plenty' has been redefined to mean 'two.'"

Oh, gravity, thou art a heartless b*tch!

That's the great thing about California, you can almost go to the mountains and almost go to the beach on the same day.

Physics answers the question, "What is the nature of the universe?" Geology answers the question, "What'd I just trip over?"

Ethics are a luxury we currently can't afford.

Long ago, in another realm stood the majestic kingdom of Tal'Dorei. Once the battlefield of gods and titans, its lands now harbor magic, wonder and mystery. It was a time of peace... until a great evil arrived. A brave group of heroes banded together, ready to face this evil.

Tavern Keeper: "First, you people drink me dry, then you destroy my tavern. And what is that gnome doing with my daughter?"
Scanlan: "It's probably best you don't know."

Percy: "Well, perhaps if someone didn't accidentally decapitate the last fellow who hired us."
Grog: "Well, I apologized, didn't I?"

Percy: "Grog wins. Again."
Vax'ildan: "F- me. Why do we always play drinking games with a guy twice our size?"
Vex'ahlia: "Because it's the fastest way to get drunk, obviously."

Nobility and heroism is fine and all, but we're in this for the money.

Leonard: "I can't believe you've never seen 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'."
Penny: "And I can't believe you've never read 'Eat, Pray, Love'."
Leonard: "When she comes out with 'Eat, Pray, Run away from a giant boulder', I'll read it."

Leonard: "You owe me another two dollars, the price of moo shu pork went up."
Howard: "It's getting tougher and tougher to be a bad Jew."

This physicist goes into an ice cream parlor every week and orders an ice cream sundae for himself, and then offers one to the empty stool sitting next to him. This goes on for a while until the owner finally asks him what he's doing. The man says, "Well, I'm a physicist, and quantum mechanics teaches us, that it is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer and fall in love with me." The owner then says, "Lots of single, beautiful women come in here ever day. Buy an ice cream for one of them, and they might fall in love with you." And the physicist says, "Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?!"

Raj: "Hey, look, I found an iPod!"
Howard: "Smashed beyond repair - what are you going to do with it?"
Raj: "What else? Sell it on ebay as 'slightly used'."

Penny: "Wow, a girl scientist."
Leslie: "Yep, come for the breast, stay for the brains."