The best Quotes by Dennis Miller

The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq.

If Clinton had only attacked terrorism as much as he attacks George Bush we wouldn't be in this problem.

I rant, therefore I am.

The White House looked into a plan that would allow illegal immigrants to stay in the United States. The plan called for a million Mexicans to marry a million of our ugliest citizens.

Washington, D.C. is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

I was just so Pittsburgh. Everything was Pittsburgh for me. I wanted to give my city bragging rights, bring my city something and just give the city another reason to smile.

The William Penn Hotel in Pittsburgh... was the place where Champagne Music was born.

In England, they drive on the left side of the road.
In Pennsylvania we drive on what's left of the road.

They say money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a flight to Pennsylvania - and that's pretty much the same thing.

You need to find yourself a nice French boyfriend. That's the best way to learn the language. In bed.

Going to war without France is like going hunting without an accordion.

In a new poll 54 percent believed President Bush exaggerated the size of Iraq's missile threat. Hey, he's a guy.

The US government can't waste billions of dollars just blowing things up in the vague hope that it'll somehow turn into a success, unless of course those things are Iraq or Afghanistan. So SpaceX began with a big gamble.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a difficult moment for America. I, unfortunately, will be going back to Washington after my remarks. Today we've had a national tragedy. Two airplanes have crashed into the World Trade Center in an apparent terrorist attack on our country.

This just in, you are looking at, obviously, a very disturbing live shot there. That is the World Trade Center, and we have unconfirmed reports this morning that a plane has crashed into one of the towers.

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative. I think religion is a neurological disorder.

My fellow Americans, on Saturday, at my direction, the United States successfully concluded an airstrike in Kabul, Afghanistan, that killed the emir of al Qaeda, Ayman al-Zawahiri, who was deeply involved in the planning of 9/11.

Becky Feder: "Daddy! Where is it taking them?"
Marcus Higgins: "Hell."
Lenny Feder: "Higgins. Don't say that."
Marcus Higgins: "Oh I'm sorry. Not Hell... Mexico."

A tortilla is either corn or wheat. But a corn tortilla folded and filled is a taco, whereas a filled wheat tortilla is a burrito. Deep fry a burrito, it's a chimichanga. Toast a tortilla, it's a tostada. Roll it, it's an enchilada.

As a native Washingtonian, I am well aware that childhood obesity is a real problem in our nation's capital.

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

Marshall: "Except the flames of Lucifer keep singein our back bumper as we drive through this hellish, cheese-infected wasteland."
Lily: "Wisconsin?"
Marshall: "Wisconsin!"

Another way of enjoying Minnesota is to move to Wisconsin.

For the soul, laughing is what oxygen is for the lungs.

Stop that! I'm your boss...- uhm: husband!

It's not about the absence of fear. It's overcoming it.

What gets scary is when your self-worth is tied up in what strangers think of you.

If there hadn't been women we'd still be squatting in a cave eating raw meat, because we made civilization in order to impress our girlfriends.

Create your own visual style... let it be unique for yourself and yet identifiable for others.

My philosophy is: It's none of my business what people say of me and think of me.

I don't know what acting is, but I enjoy it.

My father always said, "Never trust anyone whose TV is bigger than their book shelf" - so I make sure I read.

I came out of my mum's stomach going, "I want to be an actor!"

We think too much and feel too little.

I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying.

If one does not attach himself to people and desires, never shall his heart be broken. But then, does he ever truly live?

Sometimes it takes only one act of kindness and caring to change a person's life.

One should judge a man mainly from his depravities. Virtues can be faked. Depravities are real.