Quotes by David Letterman

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.

There is no off position on the genius switch.

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.