Quote by Dave Chappelle

The language you are about to hear… is disturbing.

Dave Chappelle

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Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.

Dave Chappelle

Money is the fuel for choices. Money gives me choices, so it’s not nothing, it’s something.

Dave Chappelle

Money

I enjoy my own thoughts sometimes.

Dave Chappelle

Thoughts

The only way you can know where the line is is if you cross it.

Dave Chappelle

Borders

No matter how old you are, if a little kid hands you a toy phone… you answer it!

Dave Chappelle

Telephones

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!

Dave Chappelle

The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.

Dave Chappelle

I'm famous today. People like me today. Might not like me tomorrow. You can't count on it.

Dave Chappelle

I’m off to the gym. Replacing good character with good looks is a cornerstone of my comeback stratagem.

Dave Chappelle

I love Ohio.

Dave Chappelle

Ohio

As a native Washingtonian, I am well aware that childhood obesity is a real problem in our nation's capital.

Dan Snyder

Washington, D.C.

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

Jay Leno

Washington, D.C.Washington Wizards

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

Robert Orben

Washington, D.C.

I call Washington "the city of the perishable".

Nancy Pelosi (as Speaker of the US House of Representatives)

Washington, D.C.

Let me give you a little bit of free advice. DC is all about realtionships.

Kimble Hookstraten in Designated Survivor - Season 1 Episode 9

Washington, D.C.

Alex: "You can't do that. You can't make promises that you won't be able to keep!"
Tom: "We're in Washington, they're the only promises we're allowed to make."

Thomas Adam Kirkman in Designated Survivor - Season 1 Episode 1

Washington, D.C.

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

Kim Jong Un North Korea

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

Felix Lobrecht

Berlin Munich Oktoberfest

To never be sick can't be healthy.

Karl Valentin

Illness & Sickness

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Ricky Gervais

Atheism Santa Claus Hölle

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Bill Murray

Life

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

Robin Williams

Shooting Stars

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

Jan Böhmermann - February 2022

Vladimir Putin Russia-Ukraine War

People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

Steve Harvey - February 2021

Money

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

Kevin Hart

Gossip & Rumors

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - The Truth Behind Music Streaming

Spotify

The last person that was excited about a check with Donald Trump's name on it was Stormy Daniels.

Oliver Welke in heute-show - Sendung vom 24.04.2020

Donald Trump Corona-Jokes

Anyone who tells you fatherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to you, they are understating it.

Mike Myers

Fathers

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

Bob Hope

Kissing

Germany... a country whose idea of a bedtime story is two children being left to die in the forest, before nearly being cooked and eaten and then murdering an old woman.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight)

Germany Fairytales

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

Funny Quotes Santa Claus Bad Girls

Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss.

Dick Gregory

Wealth & Richness

Some a-hole leaks it online and I'm like, you know, looking at the guy in the mirror brushing my teeth, "Dude, what have you done? This could be punishable by law!" But the internet forced the studio to say, "We're gonna make this movie", and 24 hours later, that movie had a green light.

Ryan Reynolds - September 2025

Deadpool

Quote by Dave Chappelle

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