The best Quotes by Dave Chappelle

Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.

The language you are about to hear… is disturbing.

Money is the fuel for choices. Money gives me choices, so it’s not nothing, it’s something.

I enjoy my own thoughts sometimes.

The only way you can know where the line is is if you cross it.

No matter how old you are, if a little kid hands you a toy phone… you answer it!

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!

The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.

I'm famous today. People like me today. Might not like me tomorrow. You can't count on it.

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.

I’m off to the gym. Replacing good character with good looks is a cornerstone of my comeback stratagem.

I love Ohio.

As a native Washingtonian, I am well aware that childhood obesity is a real problem in our nation's capital.

The Washington Bullets are changing their name. They don't want their team to be associated with crime. From now on, they'll just be known as the Bullets.

Washington is a place where politicians don't know which way is up and taxes don't know which way is down.

I call Washington "the city of the perishable".

Let me give you a little bit of free advice. DC is all about realtionships.

Alex: "You can't do that. You can't make promises that you won't be able to keep!"
Tom: "We're in Washington, they're the only promises we're allowed to make."

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog!

Washington, D.C. is to lying what Wisconsin is to cheese.

As much money and life as you could want! The two things most human beings would choose above all - the trouble is, humans do have a knack of choosing precisely those things that are worst for them.

If you lose money you lose much,
If you lose friends you lose more,
If you lose faith you lose all.

What is the most resilient parasite? Bacteria? A virus? An intestinal worm? An idea! Resilient, highly contagious. Once an idea has taken hold of the brain it's almost impossible to eradicate.

An idea is like a virus, resilient, highly contagious. The smallest seed of an idea can grow. It can grow to define or destroy you.

Contrary to what the politicians and religious leaders would like us to believe, the world won't be made safer by creating barriers between people.

The landscapes underwater don't know any borders.

"I'll fix it up with Mum and Dad, then I'll call you. I know how to use a fellytone now."
"A telephone, Ron," said Hermione. "Honestly, you should take Muggle Studies next year."

Grace: "I had the phone put in. It's in the back."
Tommy: "If we knew someone else who had a phone, we could call them."

The number of "followers" you have does not make you better than anyone else. Hitler had millions, Jesus had 12.

How others see you is not important. How you see yourself is everything.

Biden has won so many times in Michigan now.
He's legally required to change his name to Ohio State.

There's nothing wrong with Ohio
Except the snow and the rain

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

To never be sick can't be healthy.

F*ck reason - long live the nonsense!

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Cynicism, to me, is trying to make people as unhappy as you are.

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

Dubai accomplished that boom through lots of hard work... by slaves.

People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

Harvey: "You gonna sit up here on national TV and say 'nekkid', and then point at the damn board like we gonna let you get away with it!"
Contestant: "I bet you said 'nekkid' in one of your comedy routines."
Harvey: "You on Family Feud! This ain't a comedy routine!"

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

The only time you should look back in life is to see how far you have come.