Dark Humor - The meanest Jokes of all times

Dark Humor - The meanest Jokes of all times

I'm gonna talk about racism now. And this is a straight white man talking, so pay attention!

I think a girl is too young for you if you have to make airplane noises to put your c-ck in her mouth.

If only Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year, we could save millions of mosquitos from dying needlessly of aids.

The whole world is just made of people who didn't kill themselves today. That's whose here - it's all of us that went, "okay, I'll keep doing it."

Louis C. K. - 2017

If she says, "We can't have sex, I'm on my period", I would say, "Well, your ass isn't bleeding, is it?"

Macho-Jokes Ass

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"There's perfect men around every corner", said God an made the Earth round.

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Working out makes people more comfortable with their naked bodies. So does Tequila.

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The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

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Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.

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Bacteria is the only culture some people have.

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If you're not careful, Netflix & Chill can turn into Disney+ & Children pretty damn fast.

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Work eight hours and sleep eight hours and make sure that they are not the same hours.

T. Boone Pickens

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What would I put in a museum? Probably a museum. That's an amusing relic of our past.

John Hodgman

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Wade: "What can I get for $275 and a Yogurtland rewards card?"
Vanessa: "Baby, about 48 minutes of whatever the f*ck you want. And a low-fat dessert."

Vanessa Carlysle in Deadpool

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I do not like broccoli. And I haven't liked it since I was a little kid and my mother made me eat it. And I'm President of the United States and I'm not going to eat any more broccoli.

George H. W. Bush

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Behind every successful man is a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.

Hubert H. Humphrey

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There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.

Mary Wilson Little

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There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side.

Oscar Levant

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Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Oscar Levant

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My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Mitch Hedberg

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If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Jerry Seinfeld

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My first words, as I was being born I looked up at my mother and said, "that's the last time I'm going up one of those!"

Stephen Fry

My mind is like an internet browser - I have 23 tabs open, 4 are frozen, and I don't know where the music is coming from.

I went to a costume party dressed as a chicken and hooked up with a girl dressed as an egg.

Long story short:
The chicken.

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There are only two things I can't stand in this world: People who are intolerant of other people's cultures... and the Dutch.

Nigel Powers in Austin Powers - Goldmember

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I would never go bungee jumping. A broken rubber brought me into this world, a broken rubber isn't taking me out of it.

Without coffee, I could easily survive a zombie apocalypse. They'd think I'm one of them.

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I'm not clumsy, I'm accident-prone!

Daniel Radcliffe

I was anti-vax for 7 years... then, I turned 8 and found out that the needle's not as bad as the stuff it protects me from.

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Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Who's not gonna take the vaccine because they think it might be dangerous? Raise your hands! Now take that hand and slap yourself in the f*cking face!

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What is suicide? It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's so sad.

Everyone is shaving their p*ssy. And hipsters these days have beards. So society has the same amount of hair, just on different c*nts.

Hipster Vaginas

Mainsplaining, it's when a man tries to explain what you already know in a patronizing manner. It's when a man - that's me - tries to put clever thoughts in your pretty little brain. You understand that? That's a meta joke.

If you're a homeless, alcoholic Scott and you had tourettes... how would they ever know?

The tragedy for comedians is there's nothing more they want than to be liked. We desperately seek approval. It's almost like a personality disorder you can do as a job.

I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.

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A travel writer's made a world map showing where women are easiest to sleep with. That's awful. Although, good news for Blackpool's tourism.

Jimmy Carr - via Twitter

The new Thor movie is out today. I haven't been looking forward to Hammertime this much since 1989.

Jimmy Carr - October 2013

I enjoyed Halloween this year. I stuck two pumpkins down the back of my trousers and went as Kim Kardashian's arse.

Jimmy Carr - via Twitter

Kim Kardashian Halloween Ass

Things get out of hand so quickly. I once heard of a girl who lied to her husband about how she got pregnant, and now there's an entire religion.

It's the way it works: Love plus time minus distance equals hate.

Louis C. K. - 2017

1

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Whenever you leave behind failure, you're doing good. If you think everything you've done is great, you're probably dumb.

Louis C. K.

5

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Being popular with an audience is a very rickety ladder to be on.

Louis C. K.

1

Women have to be able to remain silent. A woman without silence is like a car without breaks.

Charles Aznavour

1

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When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

Prince Philip

1

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I'm not God but if I were God, three quarters of you would be girls, and the rest would be pizza and beer.

It's not a crime to be an a-shole, but it's very counter-productive.

Ray Embrey in Hancock

9

How can you speak six languages and sound like a dick in every one of them?

Cisco Ramon in The Flash

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