Quote by Craig Kilborn (about Los Angeles)

Quote by Craig Kilborn (about Los Angeles)

People here in Los Angeles are disgusted now about a sex scandal involving Arnold Schwarzenegger. Apparently for seven years, he carried on a sexual relationship with his own wife.

Craig Kilborn

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A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.

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Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog's organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.

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Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with "Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein."

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I enjoyed retirement the right way linguine con vongole, red wine and plenty of truffle cheese.

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Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush spend the night on the couch.

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Or as hockey player Sergei Fedorov knows it, "The day I can legally start telling everyone I am sleeping with Anna Kournikova."

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In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series.

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As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President Bush is fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation! Ah, it's nice to take a rest, replenish your supply of smirks. The vacation was expected, because Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer to relax and avoid reading National Security Warnings.

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Today Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge lowered the terror alert from orange to yellow. Does anybody need 16 miles of duct tape?

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I don't do well around the angry, bitter and emotionally fragile among us, which may eliminate 70% of the population.

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On Sunday, the president flies to the Azores islands to attend a summit with British Prime Minister Tony Blair and Spanish Prime Minister Jose Aznar, and here's my prediction: Bush gets voted off.

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As John Kerry sails toward the Democratic nomination, new questions are emerging about President Bush's service in the National Guard, like where he was for six months in 1972 and why he refused to take a routine physical. President Bush has vowed to get to the bottom of this right after Election Day.

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I have a wonderful respect for old people.

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President Bush has delivered a new resolution to the U.N. saying that Saddam has failed to cooperate with U.N. resolutions, freeing us to get our war on. Don't mess with us France, or we'll send Jerry Lewis to Iraq as a human shield.

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President Bush is trying to put a positive spin on the latest bad economic numbers. Today he declared victory in the "War on Jobs".

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There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'

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In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there.

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If you start deporting every shady looking guy with questionable tattoos, who's gonna go to Jets games?

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - The Truth Behind Music Streaming

You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - June 2020

Regardless of our differences, this was still New York. A melting pot crammed onto an island, then pushed into a subway car with a rat eating pizza. You're not left or right. You're a New f*cking Yorker and we're in this together.

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Debates Anti-Vax Mandate Protesters in NYC

Klepper: "What does that mean, 'Their DNA is wiped out'?"
Anti-Vax protester: "Like, their immunity is getting wiped out."
Klepper: "Okay, 'cause COVID wiped out 600.000 DNAs."
Anti-Vax protester: "Yes, of course!"

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Debates Anti-Vax Mandate Protesters in NYC

All the teams in the NBA will not be playing basketball on Election Day. And the Knicks were like, "Oh, no problem we don't play basketball every day, that's just what we do."

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - August 2022

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The NBA has announced that they will not be playing any games on election day and instead will encourage their fans to go and vote. I will say though, not to sound cynical but, if the Timberwolves game is what was keeping you from voting maybe... yeah.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - August 2022

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You're gonna move the ocean into the desert? That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, unless they do it while Burning Man is happening. In which case, go for it. Please take a bath, you dirty hippies!

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I know Liberals and Conservatives don't agree on much. But can we agree that you should not own a gun, if you don't know how to poop in a potty?

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Trump Supporter: "It's an American ideal that we treat women with respect."
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Trump Supporter: "Trump that b*tch!"
Klepper: "Ha ha, we don't even see the irony of it... I love it."

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Trump Supporter Ideology Test

Trump Supporter: "The regular couple... they work so hard, you know, and the gay couple they want more."
Klepper: "When you say 'more', do you mean 'equal'?"
Trump Supporter: "Yeah, they want equal."
Klepper: "And that's just too much?"

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That's L.A. They worship everything and they value nothing.

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Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

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One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

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To never be sick can't be healthy.

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A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

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Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

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Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

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This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

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People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

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Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

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Crypto is crashing even harder, with Bitcoin plummeting 67% from its high, which I found really interesting. Because for, like, the past ten years, every single crypto bro I've met has told me that crypto would protect me when the mainstream economy failed.

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Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.

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The last person that was excited about a check with Donald Trump's name on it was Stormy Daniels.

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Anyone who tells you fatherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to you, they are understating it.

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People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

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Germany... a country whose idea of a bedtime story is two children being left to die in the forest, before nearly being cooked and eaten and then murdering an old woman.

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Some a-hole leaks it online and I'm like, you know, looking at the guy in the mirror brushing my teeth, "Dude, what have you done? This could be punishable by law!" But the internet forced the studio to say, "We're gonna make this movie", and 24 hours later, that movie had a green light.

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Related pages

Craig Kilborn

The Daily Show

The best Quotes by Comedians

Los Angeles

Olaf Schubert

Felix Lobrecht

Karl Valentin

Ricky Gervais

Bill Murray

Robin Williams