Quotes by Craig Ferguson

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

If I have a near-beer, I'm near beer. And if I'm near beer, I'm close to tequila. And if I'm close to tequila, I'm adjacent to cocaine.

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun!"

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them. I want to be one of me.

If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love.

I didn't say "no", because between safety and adventure... I choose adventure.

I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.