The best Quotes by Craig Ferguson

The best Quotes by Craig Ferguson

Craig Ferguson (born 17 May 1962) is a Scottish-American comedian, actor, writer, and television host.

Happy Cinco de Mayo. If you don't know what that means, maybe you're a little out of touch – or maybe you're the governor of Arizona.
Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.
I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.
1
Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.
If I have a near-beer, I'm near beer. And if I'm near beer, I'm close to tequila. And if I'm close to tequila, I'm adjacent to cocaine.
Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.
Other than the laws of physics, rules have never really worked out for me.
I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.
Maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun!"
If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them. I want to be one of me.
If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love.
I didn't say "no", because between safety and adventure... I choose adventure.
I haven't had a drink in thirteen years, but occasionally I'm tempted to have one beer. The problem is that if I have that one beer, I wake up in Tijuana four days later with a tattoo and a sore ass.

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The great thing about Glasgow is that if there's a nuclear attack it'll look exactly the same afterwards.
1
You can leave Glasgow, but it will never leave you.
Glasgow is a great city.
One of the attributes Glasgow is best known for all over the world is the friendliness of her people.
I loved going surfing down on Venice Beach. I'd go out with a board under my arm and think, "I can't do that in Cranhill."
They say money can't buy happiness. But it can book your flight to Glasgow - which is kinda the same.
You know you're from Arizona when you feed your chickens ice cubes to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
1
Welcome to Arizona, where summer spends the winter and hell spends the summer.
1
Don't burrito your head in the sand.
If you don't like tacos, I'm definitely nacho type!
Canada also helped in two world wars and gave the world Neil Young, William Shatner, Leonard Cohen, Pamela Anderson, one quarter of Barney Stinson, instant mashed potatoes and best of all - you.
Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother - Season 9 Episode 12
3
Look, if Michael Jordan's healthy, you don't let Scottie Pippen run the offense. Oh, you're from Canada, right. If Wayne Gretzky's healthy, you don't let François... what I'm saying is: hockey is stupid and I'm point guy!
Barney Stinson in How I Met Your Mother - Season 8 Episode 23
2
On a football team, it’s not the strength of the individual players, but it is the strength of the unit and how they all function together.
1
Football is unconditional love.
1
Thanksgiving is almost here and as soon as people realize how much money they have to spend on holiday gifts, their wallets snap tighter than Kim Kardashian's legs after the wedding check cleared.
Max Black in 2 Broke Girls - Season 1 Episode 10
2
Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don't have, you will never, ever have enough.
1
What do you mean, "he don't eat no meat"? That's okay. I'll make lamb.
I'd love to be a wasp. First, I'm gonna ruin someone's BBQ and then I'll drown myself in their beer.
Meat without wine is also a sin.
Larys Strong in House Of The Dragon - Season 1 Episode 6
If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?
Turns out dad's been putting murdered cows in our hamburgers.
Louise Belcher in Bob's Burgers - Season 1 Episode 3
Child, you're a couple cows short of a steak!
No son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies, and kids with fake IDs.
Homer Simpson in The Simpsons - Season 8 Episode 10
3
All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.
3
More tequila
More love
More anything
More is better
15
She's holding that bottle of tequila like a life vest.
Alex Karev in Grey's Anatomy - Season 5 Episode 12
13
I take quaaludes ten to fifteen times a day for my "back pain", adderall tostay focused, Xanax to take the edge off, pot to mellow me out, cocaine to wake me back up again and morphine well... 'cause its awesome.
Jordan Belfort in The Wolf of Wall Street
5
You can't snort a line of coke off a woman's ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it's not gentlemanly.
Hank Moody in Californication - Season 1 Episode 8
3
Can't change the world by following all the rules.
1
Hermione: "I mean, it's sort of exciting isn't it? Breaking the rules."
Ron: "Who are you and what have you done with Hermione Granger?"
18
Children begin by loving their parents; as they grow older they judge them; sometimes they forgive them.
9
Anything I've done up till May 27th 1999 was kind of an illusion, existing without living. My daughter, the birth of my daughter, gave me life.
7
There's a lot of money to be made in scaring people.
Admitting your fears is the first and most difficult step in overcoming them.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
16
Nothing's gonna save our lifes, so... we're breathing borrowed air.
Will Newman in Five Feet Apart
7

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