COVID-19 - The funniest Corona-jokes

Crazy times we're living in. I used to cough to hide a fart, now I'm farting to hide a cough.

I tested negative to Covid yesterday and positive today. No symptoms what so ever. Covid had the courage to challenge me. Bad idea.

Zlatan Ibrahimović - September 2020

I dare saying that in regard of protecting us from Corona, a mask that may be uncomfortable is way more effective than a tin foil hat.

Frank-Walter Steinmeier (as President of Germany) - May 2020

Coronavirus Conspiracy Theories

I imagined the Apocalypse with zombies and pumpguns, not with washing hands and staying at home.

Hands

Remember last week when your grocery list wasn't just 'GRAB WHATEVER IS LEFT'?

Taylor Tomlinson - via Twitter

My cat is really annoyed by me, now that I hang around in her apartment all day.

Quarantänealltag

Cats

The government just decided: Every houshold hoarding more than 10 rolls of toilet paper is from now on regarded as a public toilet.

Toilet

Many people didn't know, that just before the end, dinosaurs met each other at asteroid parties.

Why is there a shortage of toilet paper in times of Corona?
If someone sneezes, everyone around him sh*ts their pants.

Who's not gonna take the vaccine because they think it might be dangerous? Raise your hands! Now take that hand and slap yourself in the f*cking face!

Jimmy Carr

Vaccines

Covid infection in 2020:
Oh my God! Get well soon! Tell me when you need anything! Take all the time you need to recover!

Covid infection in 2024:
Okay, see you at work tomorrow.

2024

Day 619. Still waiting for the microchips they vaccinated into me to take my life or my free will.

März 2023

Vaccines

I went jogging to get rid of the extra pounds I gained during lockdown. Didn't work at all.
Wait, am I supposed to do this more than once?

Jogging

I have a solution for the pandemic, by the way. We test everybody. Everytime we find somebody who has COVID, we kill them. That's it. That's the solution. We won't need another one after that one.

Louis C. K.

The bizarre beliefs of hardcore anti-vaxxers means a significant number still insist on their right not to get the shot. Unfortunately, COVID still insists on his right to infect and kill them.

Snook Austin in Death to 2021

Vaccines

Krispy Kreme offered free donuts to the vaccinated, so by 2022, 98% of the US population will either have COVID-19 or type II diabetes.

Snook Austin in Death to 2021

Vaccines

Coronavirus is all Gen Z's fault. They wanted everything to go viral, now look what's happened.

Gen Z / Zoomer

The Corona pandemic clearly shows us which people we choose, when we're forced to limit ourselves.

All you have to do is stay at home and get drunk at home. It's great.

Sophie Turner - March 2020

The guys and I ate stuff from the fridge in our shared apartment for five years and we're still alive. Whatever's in that Corona vaccine can't be more dangerous.

Flatsharing

So you have been eating burgers and Chicken McNuggets all your life, but don't want the vaccine, because "you don't know what's in it?"

Vaccines

Schools stay open during the pandemic to ensure that bad students come back home with positive results for once.

The last person that was excited about a check with Donald Trump's name on it was Stormy Daniels.

Oliver Welke in heute-show - Sendung vom 24.04.2020

Donald Trump

Okay, I'm bored in the house and I’m in the house bored
Bored in the house and I'm in the house bored
Bored than a motherf*cker, in the house bored
And I'm bored than a motherf*cker, in the house bored

Curtis Roach - Bored In The House

TikTok

We are looking at the biggest economic crash since 1970.
And thanks to closed barber-shops, we'll soon look like the 70s again.

Oliver Welke in heute-show - April 2020

70s

Pop in COD on the PS4
Tell the b*tch chill like refrigerator doors
We can heat up some ramen, can't go to the store
Can't even go on tour

Tyga - Bored In The House

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Now, more than any time in our history, we will be judged by our capacity for compassion. Our ability to come through this, won't just be down to what government or businesses do, but by the individual acts of kindness that we show each other.

Rishi Sunak - March 2020

Coronavirus

Maintaining confidence in international trade will be critical to the broader economic recovery in the post-Covid world.

Liz Truss

Coronavirus

Last year, Covid-19 kept us apart. This year, we are finally together again.

Joe Biden - March 2022, State of the Union Address

Coronavirus

This pandemic is exhausting all of us. We're tired of it. But it doesn't help. We have to face it together and, in many cases, practice social distancing.

Olaf Scholz - December 2021

Coronavirus

Most likely, by the end of this winter, everyone in Germany will be either vaccinated, recovered, or dead.

Jens Spahn - November 2021

Coronavirus

There will not be another lockdown.

Olaf Scholz - August 2021, Kanzler-Triell #1

Coronavirus

I recommend taking the vaccines. I happen to take the vaccine - if it doesn't work you'll be the first to know.

Donald Trump - August 2021

Coronavirus

Klepper: "What does that mean, 'Their DNA is wiped out'?"
Anti-Vax protester: "Like, their immunity is getting wiped out."
Klepper: "Okay, 'cause COVID wiped out 600.000 DNAs."
Anti-Vax protester: "Yes, of course!"

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show - Debates Anti-Vax Mandate Protesters in NYC

Vaccines

I don't want my views bolstering the anti-vaxxers and triggering the vaxxed people. I want to be somebody who has an opinion, who shares it, who does research, but who is also open to hearing both sides.

Aaron Rodgers - January 2022

Vaccines

My cleaning lady is working remote these days. She calls me and tells me what to do.

Homeoffice Cleaning

My fiancé has been getting sexually harassed at the office - ever since she started working from home.

Homeoffice

What did I learn in 2021? I learned that nobody learned anything in 2020.

Penn Parker in Death to 2021

2020 2021

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

Kim Jong Un North Korea

But I don't understand why the Jeffrey Epstein case would be of interest to anybody. It's pretty boring stuff, it's sordid but it's boring and I don't understand why it keeps going.

Donald Trump - July 2025

The Epstein Files

Since I left France, everything has gone downhill. France needs me, I don't need France. Even if you have Mbappé, Neymar and Messi, it doesn't help you because you don't have God.

Zlatan Ibrahimović - October 2022

Neymar Paris Saint-Germain

With clear language and undaunted diplomacy, he has significantly shaped the United States of America and post-war global politics.

Frank-Walter Steinmeier - December 2023

Henry Kissinger

I mean, you could claim that anything's real if the only basis for believing in it is that nobody's proved it doesn't exist!

Hermione Granger in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

Conspiracy Theories

It is not the harp, but the hand that plays it.

Bernard Cornwell in The Last Kingdom

Hands

Hey has anybody else paid a therapist hundreds of dollars to tell you to "take some deep breaths"?

Taylor Tomlinson

Breathing

I believe cats to be spirits come to earth. A cat, I am sure, could walk on a cloud without coming through.

Jules Verne

Cats

I'm tired of running to the gas station to use the bathroom. The guy makes me buy a Gatorade every time - it's a vicious circle.

Leonard Hofstadter in The Big Bang Theory - Season 4 Episode 8

Toilet

I'm gonna talk about racism now. And this is a straight white man talking, so pay attention!

Jimmy Carr

Dark Humor

It's been the honor of my lifetime to serve as your president. I love the job - but I love my country more.

Joe Biden - August 2024

2024

COVID-19 - The funniest Corona-jokes

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