I went jogging to get rid of the extra pounds I gained during lockdown. Didn't work at all.
Wait, am I supposed to do this more than once?
I have a solution for the pandemic, by the way. We test everybody. Everytime we find somebody who has COVID, we kill them. That's it. That's the solution. We won't need another one after that one.Louis C. K.
The bizarre beliefs of hardcore anti-vaxxers means a significant number still insist on their right not to get the shot. Unfortunately, COVID still insists on his right to infect and kill them.VaccinesDeath to 2021, by Snook Austin
Krispy Kreme offered free donuts to the vaccinated, so by 2022, 98% of the US population will either have COVID-19 or type II diabetes.VaccinesDeath to 2021, by Snook Austin
My fiancé has been getting sexually harassed at the office - ever since she started working from home.HomeofficeUnknown
The Corona pandemic clearly shows us which people we choose, when we're forced to limit ourselves.Unknown
All you have to do is stay at home and get drunk at home. It's great.Sophie Turner, March 2020
The guys and I ate stuff from the fridge in our shared apartment for five years and we're still alive. Whatever's in that Corona vaccine can't be more dangerous.FlatsharingUnknown
So you have been eating burgers and Chicken McNuggets all your life, but don't want the vaccine, because "you don't know what's in it?"VaccinesUnknown
Schools stay open during the pandemic to ensure that bad students come back home with positive results for once.Unknown
I tested negative to Covid yesterday and positive today. No symptoms what so ever. Covid had the courage to challenge me. Bad idea.Zlatan Ibrahimović, September 2020
I dare saying that in regard of protecting us from Corona, a mask that may be uncomfortable is way more effective than a tin foil hat.Coronavirus, Conspiracy TheoriesFrank-Walter Steinmeier (as President of Germany), May 2020
The last person that was excited about a check with Donald Trump's name on it was Stormy Daniels.Donald TrumpOliver Welke in heute-show, Sendung vom 24.04.2020
Okay, I'm bored in the house and I’m in the house bored
Bored in the house and I'm in the house bored
Bored than a motherfucker, in the house bored
And I'm bored than a motherfucker, in the house bored
I imagined the Apocalypse with zombies and pumpguns, not with washing hands and staying at home.HandsUnknown
Remember last week when your grocery list wasn't just 'GRAB WHATEVER IS LEFT'?Taylor Tomlinson, via Twitter
We are looking at the biggest economic crash since 1970.
And thanks to closed barber-shops, we'll soon look like the 70s again.
Crazy times we're living in. I used to cough to hide a fart, now I'm farting to hide a cough.Unknown
My cat is really annoyed by me, now that I hang around in her apartment all day.CatsUnknown, Quarantänealltag
The government just decided: Every houshold hoarding more than 10 rolls of toilet paper is from now on regarded as a public toilet.Unknown
Many people didn't know, that just before the end, dinosaurs met each other at asteroid parties.Unknown
Why is there a shortage of toilet paper in times of Corona?
If someone sneezes, everyone around him shits their pants.
Pop in COD on the PS4
Tell the bitch chill like refrigerator doors
We can heat up some ramen, can't go to the store
Can't even go on tour