The best Quotes by Conan O'Brien

The results of a new study are out this week saying that New Jersey is one of the most livable states in the country. The study has a margin of error of 100 percent.

New Jersey

I hate cynicism - it's my least favorite quality and it doesn't lead anywhere.

Cynicism

There are few things more liberating in this life than having your worst fear realized.

Fear

It's now come out just before his record-breaking 100-meter dash, gold medalist Usain Bolt ate at McDonald's. Apparently he timed his meal so when the race started he would have exactly 9.63 seconds to get to a toilet.

McDonald's

President Bush left for Canada today to attend a trade summit. Reportedly, the trade summit got off to an awkward start when the president pulled out his baseball cards.

Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, "Jesus! This cup is expensive!"

Starbucks Quotes

This Halloween, the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Halloween

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President Trump is a failed leader. He will go down in history as the worst president ever.

Arnold Schwarzenegger - January 2021

Donald Trump

Marihuana? That's not a drug, it's a plant.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Marijuana & Weed

Just remember, you can't climb the ladder of success with your hands in your pockets.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

Success Motivation

Milk is for babies. When you grow up you have to drink beer.

Arnold Schwarzenegger in Pumping Iron

Beer Milk

That's what divides one from a champion and one from not being a champion. If you can go through this pain barrier, you make it to be a champion, if you can´t go through, forget it.

Arnold Schwarzenegger in Pumping Iron

Ambition

Hate burns fast and bright, and it might make you feel empowered for a while, but eventually it consumes whatever vessel it fuels.

Arnold Schwarzenegger - März 2023

Hatred

Sometimes the right path is not the easiest one.

Grandmother Willow in Pocahontas

Work Motivation

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.

Thomas Edison

Work Giving Up Beginning

...yet, sadly, accidental rudeness occurs alarmingly often. Best to say nothing at all, my dear man.

Albus Dumbledore in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Kindness

If you can't say somethin' nice, don't say nothin' at all.

Thumper in Bambi

Kindness Mouth

Don't burrito your head in the sand.

Cinco de Mayo

If you don't like tacos, I'm definitely nacho type!

Cinco de Mayo

This is why you never go to New Jersey!

Donatello-TMNT in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

New Jersey

Just when you thought things couldn't get any worse, we gotta go to Jersey.

Hulk in What If…? - Season 1 Episode 4

New Jersey

Definition: What is a cynic? A man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.

HK-47 in Star Wars Games - Knights of the Old Republic

Cynicism

The biggest hurdle that our communities have is cynicism - saying it's a done deal, who cares; there's no point to voting.

Alexandria Ocasio Cortez

Cynicism Elections & Voting

There's a lot of money to be made in scaring people.

Dana Scully in The X-Files

Fear Conspiracy Theories

Admitting your fears is the first and most difficult step in overcoming them.

Tenzin in The Legend of Korra

Fear

In order to get cheap accommodation in Australia, we like foreign people to do manual labour for us. Helping feed the cows is very important, they are the future of McDonald's.

Ozzy Man Reviews - Royal Tour [FEAT. Prince Harry and Meghan]

Australia McDonald's

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

Stephen Colbert

McDonald's

Hercules, huh? That guy was like the Starbucks of Ancient Greece. Everywhere you turn - there he is.

Rick Riordan in Percy Jackson - The Heroes of Olympus 3: The Mark of Athena

Hercules Starbucks

Brett Hand: "Question. Is this place evil?"
Reagan: "Uh, is Facebook evil? Is Starbucks evil?"

Reagan Ridley in Inside Job - Season 1 Episode 1

Facebook Starbucks

One original thought is worth 1000 meaningless quotes.

Banksy

Quotes to think about Quotes

Don't ever do that again. It's very off-putting when you quote smart dead guys back at me. That's my thing.

Nate in Dog Gone

Quotes

Halloween. The one day of the year it's socially acceptable to play dress-up. The only question is, who do you want to be? There are costumes to make men feel like boys again. Or turn little girls into queens.

Gossip Girl in Gossip Girl - Season 3

Halloween

Like all good things the witching hour must come to an end. True natures are revealed. Tricks are turned into treats. And taking off costumes is as much fun as putting them on. Except for little girls who forget that Halloween is only one night. They wear their costumes for so long pretty soon they can’t even remember who they were before they put them on. XOXO - Gossip Girl.

Gossip Girl in Gossip Girl - Season 3

Appearance Halloween

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

Kim Jong Un North Korea

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

Felix Lobrecht

Berlin Munich Oktoberfest

To never be sick can't be healthy.

Karl Valentin

Illness & Sickness

F*ck reason - long live the nonsense!

Karl Valentin

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Ricky Gervais

Atheism Santa Claus Hölle

Cynicism, to me, is trying to make people as unhappy as you are.

Ricky Gervais

Cynicism

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Bill Murray

Life

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

Bill Murray

Taxes Ice Cream

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

Robin Williams

Shooting Stars

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Robin Williams

Women

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

Jan Böhmermann - February 2022

Vladimir Putin Russia-Ukraine War

Dubai accomplished that boom through lots of hard work... by slaves.

Jan Böhmermann (ZDF Magazin Royale) - vom 12.02.2021

Slavery Dubai

Some a-hole leaks it online and I'm like, you know, looking at the guy in the mirror brushing my teeth, "Dude, what have you done? This could be punishable by law!" But the internet forced the studio to say, "We're gonna make this movie", and 24 hours later, that movie had a green light.

Ryan Reynolds - September 2025

Deadpool

The best Quotes by Conan O'Brien

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