The best Quotes by Comedians

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

To never be sick can't be healthy.

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.

The last person that was excited about a check with Donald Trump's name on it was Stormy Daniels.

Anyone who tells you fatherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to you, they are understating it.

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

Germany... a country whose idea of a bedtime story is two children being left to die in the forest, before nearly being cooked and eaten and then murdering an old woman.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss.

I'm gonna talk about racism now. And this is a straight white man talking, so pay attention!

Comedians are really writers who don't have pens and pencils about them, but they riff.