The best Quotes by Comedians

Olaf Schubert

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017

Felix Lobrecht

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

Felix Lobrecht

Karl Valentin

Show 3 Quotes

To never be sick can't be healthy.

Karl Valentin

Ricky Gervais

Show 23 Quotes

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Ricky Gervais

Bill Murray

Show 8 Quotes

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Bill Murray

Robin Williams

Show 8 Quotes

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

Robin Williams

Jan Böhmermann

Show 6 Quotes

This is the end of Wladimir Putin.

Jan Böhmermann - February 2022

Steve Harvey

Show 10 Quotes

People say that money changes people. It really doesn't. Money don't change people. Money allows you to be more of who you really are. If you're a kind person when you get a lot of money, you become a kinder person. If you're an a-shole when you get a lot of money, you become a big a-shole. When you see rich people acting like a-sholes it's 'cause they've always been one.

Steve Harvey - February 2021

Kevin Hart

Show 6 Quotes

Life is too short to worry about what others say about you. Have fun and give them something to talk about.

Kevin Hart

Trevor Noah

Show 14 Quotes

Spotify, the app with the entire history of recorded music that you only use to listen to four songs that you liked in high school.

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - The Truth Behind Music Streaming

Dave Chappelle

Show 12 Quotes

Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.

Dave Chappelle

Oliver Welke

Show 2 Quotes

The last person that was excited about a check with Donald Trump's name on it was Stormy Daniels.

Oliver Welke in heute-show - Sendung vom 24.04.2020

Mike Myers

Show 5 Quotes

Anyone who tells you fatherhood is the greatest thing that can happen to you, they are understating it.

Mike Myers

Bob Hope

Show 6 Quotes

People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.

Bob Hope

John Oliver

Show 70 Quotes

Germany... a country whose idea of a bedtime story is two children being left to die in the forest, before nearly being cooked and eaten and then murdering an old woman.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight)

George Carlin

Show 11 Quotes

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

Dick Gregory

Show 6 Quotes

Riches do not delight us so much with their possession, as torment us with their loss.

Dick Gregory

Jimmy Carr

Show 15 Quotes

I'm gonna talk about racism now. And this is a straight white man talking, so pay attention!

Jimmy Carr

Comedians

Show 13 Sayings

Comedians are really writers who don't have pens and pencils about them, but they riff.

Carl Reiner

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We are looking at the biggest economic crash since 1970.
And thanks to closed barber-shops, we'll soon look like the 70s again.

Oliver Welke in heute-show - April 2020

F*ck reason - long live the nonsense!

Karl Valentin

Cynicism, to me, is trying to make people as unhappy as you are.

Ricky Gervais

The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.

Bill Murray

If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.

Robin Williams

Dubai accomplished that boom through lots of hard work... by slaves.

Jan Böhmermann (ZDF Magazin Royale) - vom 12.02.2021

Harvey: "You gonna sit up here on national TV and say 'nekkid', and then point at the damn board like we gonna let you get away with it!"
Contestant: "I bet you said 'nekkid' in one of your comedy routines."
Harvey: "You on Family Feud! This ain't a comedy routine!"

Steve Harvey in Family Feud

The only time you should look back in life is to see how far you have come.

Kevin Hart

You don't need to show up like a SWAT Team to rescue a Barbie from a little girl. If anything, you should be rescuing the little girl from the Barbie. Should be getting there like, "little girl, watch out! That Barbie can give you a warped sense of what a woman's body is supposed to be!"

Trevor Noah in The Daily Show - June 2020

If you start deporting every shady looking guy with questionable tattoos, who's gonna go to Jets games?

Jordan Klepper in The Daily Show

The language you are about to hear… is disturbing.

Dave Chappelle

Canada is a country of ingredients without a cuisine; we're a country with musicians without an indigenous instrument; Toronto's a city that doesn't even have a dish named after it.

Mike Myers

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

Bob Hope

Australia... home of every animal that seems like it should already be extinct.

John Oliver (Last Week Tonight)

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

George Carlin

People with high blood pressure, diabetes - those are conditions brought about by life style. If you change the life style, those conditions will leave.

Dick Gregory

Who's not gonna take the vaccine because they think it might be dangerous? Raise your hands! Now take that hand and slap yourself in the f*cking face!

Jimmy Carr

Everybody wants to laugh - you know that. They need to laugh... people need to laugh.

Carl Reiner