The best Quotes by Chuck Lorre Productions

Modernity's scary,
antiquity's worse,
can't go forward,
can't reverse.
So here's a plan
to ease your unknowing,
ride the horse
in the direction it's going.

#572

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Women reject me for 100 different reasons. White teeth would reduce that to 99 problems.

Alan Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 10 Episode 2

Teeth

Well, listen, just remember, that love will get u through times of no money better, than money will get you through times of no love.

Alan Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 20

Alan: "Why don't you get a vasectomy?"
Charlie: "I've considered it. In fact, a couple of years ago I believe there was a petition circulating."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 24

The damage has been done. All that's left to do now is drink until the part of the brain that creates mental pictures is dead.

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 18

Alcohol

Alan: "I feel sorry that your heart has become so hard and small, that you've lost the capacity to connect with another human being on any level any more meaningful, than the inebriated exchange of bodily fluids."
Charlie: "Boy, leave it to you to take a beautiful thing like drunken sex and make it sound dirty."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 16

Alan: "What are you afraid off?"
Charlie: "I'm afraid I'm gonna hit you so hard, I'll be an only-child."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 15

Alan: "When a boy becomes a man - and that's what you're becoming - he has to start protecting the women in his life from certain things."
Charlie: "Like the truth."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 12

Alan: "You can't stay here alone."
Jake: "Why not?"
Alan: "You know why not."
Jake: "But you don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore."

Jake Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 11

Turtles

Alan: "We judge a person by what's inside and not by what they wear."
Jake: "Lucky for you, huh?"

Jake Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 11

Alan: "Charlie, there's a half naked woman in our kitchen!"
Charlie: "Which half?"

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 6

Kitchen Being naked

It doesn't matter if you win or loose, it's whether or not you beat the spread.

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 5

Gambling

Charlie: "Don't cry, we can still be friends!"
Alan: "What?"
Charlie: "I'm sorry, it's the only thing I know to say when someone cries around here."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 3

Judith: "I'm very concerned, he's just a child. I don't know if he can deal with this."
Charlie: "Give your son some credit, he's an incredible kid."
Judith: "I was talking about you!"

Judith Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 3

That's the great thing about California, you can almost go to the mountains and almost go to the beach on the same day.

Leonard Hofstadter in The Big Bang Theory - Season 11 Episode 11

California

Physics answers the question, "What is the nature of the universe?" Geology answers the question, "What'd I just trip over?"

Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory - Season 11 Episode 7

Physics

Marty: "Thanks for going to outer space, so no matter what I do, my mum will be disappointed in me."
Howard: "Well, I married a little catholic girl, so we're even."

Howard Wolowitz in The Big Bang Theory - Season 1 Episode 10

Sheldon: "Why do people cry at weddings?"
Mary: "They're practicing for what's coming later."

Mary Cooper in The Big Bang Theory - Season 10 Episode 1

This seat is ideally located both in relation to the heat source in the winter and a cross breeze in the summer. It also faces the television at a direct angle allowing me to immerse myself in entertainment or game play without being subjected to conversation. As a result, I've placed it in a state of eternal dibs.

Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory - Season 3 Episode 22

Leonard: "I can't believe you've never seen 'Raiders of the Lost Ark'."
Penny: "And I can't believe you've never read 'Eat, Pray, Love'."
Leonard: "When she comes out with 'Eat, Pray, Run away from a giant boulder', I'll read it."

Leonard Hofstadter in The Big Bang Theory - Season 4 Episode 8

Gosh, Amy, I'm sensing a little hostility. Is it maybe because, like Sheldon's work, your sex life is also theoretical?

Bernadette Rostenkowski in The Big Bang Theory

Quantum physics makes me so happy. It's like looking at the universe naked.

Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory - Season 5 Episode 20

Universe Physics Quantum Mechanics

'See you in hell Sheldon'? The most frightening thing about that is the missing comma!

Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory - Season 5 Episode 7

Rajesh: "I don't know if I want to play anymore."
Sheldon: "Because you don't have a girlfriend? Well, good Lord, if that becomes a reason not to play Dungeons & Dragons, this game's in serious trouble."

Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory - Season 5 Episode 4

Dungeons & Dragons Pen & Paper

Sheldon: "At my age, do you know how I'm statistically most likely to die?"
Leonard: "At the hands of your roommate?"
Sheldon: "An accident."
Leonard: "That's how I'm going to make it look."

Leonard Hofstadter in The Big Bang Theory - Season 4 Episode 2

Sheldon: "I'm quite aware of the way humans usually reproduce, which is messy, unsanitary, and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity."
Penny: "Oh God!"
Sheldon: "Yes, exactly."

Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory - Season 4 Episode 1

Raj: "Hey, look, I found an iPod!"
Howard: "Smashed beyond repair - what are you going to do with it?"
Raj: "What else? Sell it on ebay as 'slightly used'."

Rajesh Koothrappali in The Big Bang Theory - Season 1 Episode 17

eBay

I actually enjoyed being alone, solitude allowed me to think about important things.

Sheldon Cooper in Young Sheldon - Season 1 Episode 2

Solitude & Loneliness

Of course, nobody I knew in East-Texas in 1989 cared about Newtonian Physics. The only Newtons they cared about were Wayne and Fig.

Sheldon Cooper in Young Sheldon - Season 1 Episode 1

Texas

Connie: "Does he even know you like him?"
Missy: "I don't know. I've ignored him, been mean to him. What else can I do?"

Missy Cooper in Young Sheldon - Season 6 Episode 4

Whoa, and the '70s are back. All we need are the Bee Gees and bell-bottoms and it's Studio 54.

June Ballard in Young Sheldon - Season 5 Episode 10

70s

When a Texan gets knocked off a horse, he gets right back on. That is the second most important thing about bein' a Texan, right after thinkin' you're better than everybody else.

Sheldons Großmutter "Meemaw" in Young Sheldon - Season 4 Episode 8

Texas

Butterflies are just worms that can chase you.

Sheldon Cooper in Young Sheldon - Season 4 Episode 7

Butterflies

Sweat is the urine of the skin.

Sheldon Cooper in Young Sheldon - Season 4 Episode 3

Sweating Skin

"Did you grow up in Texas?"
Meemaw: "Took my first bath in a ten-gallon hat."

Sheldons Großmutter "Meemaw" in Young Sheldon - Season 2 Episode 13

Texas

Sheldon: "Texas, Oklahoma... what's the difference?"
Meemaw: "Hey, now, I think you might want to crack open your psychology textbook 'cause that there is crazy talk."

Sheldons Großmutter "Meemaw" in Young Sheldon - Season 2 Episode 9

Texas Oklahoma

George: "As soon as I graduate High-School, I'm gonna be a professional male-model."
Meemaw: "That is hilarious."
George: "What? I'm good looking."
Meemaw: "No, that you think you'll graduate High-School."

Sheldons Großmutter "Meemaw" in Young Sheldon - Season 1 Episode 10

What if Einstein's parents had held him back? We wouldn't even have the... - I was gonna say "atomic bomb", but there's probably a better example.

Sheldons Großmutter "Meemaw" in Young Sheldon - Season 1 Episode 10

Nuclear Weapons

I drank when I was pregnant with you, you turned out fine. There's everybody saying 'don't drink, don't smoke'. I swear - Texas is turning into California.

Sheldons Großmutter "Meemaw" in Young Sheldon - Season 1 Episode 9

California Texas

The average American consumes 55 pounds of beef per year. And then there's Texas, where we can knock that off in a couple of months. Maybe faster if we're talking about smoked brisket.

Sheldon Cooper in Young Sheldon - Season 1 Episode 7

Texas

Leonard: "For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to... hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?"
Sheldon: "You have a sarcasm sign?"

Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory - Season 1 Episode 2

Sarcasm

Alan: "Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears."
Charlie: "Okay, but you have to be my liver and prostate."

Charlie Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 1 Episode 2

Walden: "Money does not buy happiness!"
Alan: "I wouldn't know, I never had either."

Alan Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 9 Episode 1

Jake: "We had a surprise test today."
Alan: "And?"
Jake: "I was really surprised."

Jake Harper in Two and a half Men - Season 3 Episode 19

Surprises

Charlie: "Looks to be a beautiful day. Slightly overcast, but that should burn off in a few hours, leaving us with another sun-dappled afternoon in paradise."
Berta: "You still drunk from last night, or did you get a fresh buzz this morning?"

Berta in Two and a half Men - Season 3 Episode 13

Penny: "Yes, I will go out with you."
Leonard: "Really?"
Penny: "Yeah. Why not? I mean, what do I have to lose?"
Leonard: "Yeah. That's the spirit!"

Leonard Hofstadter in The Big Bang Theory - Season 1 Episode 17

Leonard: "You owe me another two dollars, the price of moo shu pork went up."
Howard: "It's getting tougher and tougher to be a bad Jew."

Howard Wolowitz in The Big Bang Theory - Season 2 Episode 14

Judaism Pigs

This physicist goes into an ice cream parlor every week and orders an ice cream sundae for himself, and then offers one to the empty stool sitting next to him. This goes on for a while until the owner finally asks him what he's doing. The man says, "Well, I'm a physicist, and quantum mechanics teaches us, that it is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer and fall in love with me." The owner then says, "Lots of single, beautiful women come in here ever day. Buy an ice cream for one of them, and they might fall in love with you." And the physicist says, "Yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?!"

Penny in The Big Bang Theory - Season 2 Episode 19

Physics Quantum Mechanics

You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles

Rajesh Koothrappali in The Big Bang Theory - Season 5 Episode 1

Sex Ice Cream

The best Quotes by Chuck Lorre Productions

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