If I ever have a daughter I am going to name her Taken. That way, when a boy asks her name she'll say "Hi, I'm Taken."
I don't get high, but sometimes I wish I did. That way, when I messed up in life I would have an excuse. But right now there's no rehab for stupidity.
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Pretty girls have problems too.
Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Quotes about Chris Rock
How come Chris Rock can do a routine, and everyone finds it hilarious and groundbreaking. Then I go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to corporate?
Michael Scott in The Office - Season 1 Episode 2
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Bean: "K-O-B-R-Q-V-Y. Confidence."
Eric: "Well, we're not gonna have to pay for college."
Eric: "Well, we're not gonna have to pay for college."
Eric Lamonsoff in Grown Ups
4Becky Feder: "How long ago was the '80s?"
Keithie Feder: "That was way back in the 1900s. We learned about it in school. It was wack. The phones had long, curly things coming out of the end. You had to watch commercials."
Keithie Feder: "That was way back in the 1900s. We learned about it in school. It was wack. The phones had long, curly things coming out of the end. You had to watch commercials."
Grown Ups - 2
A burpsnart? It's simple. You just start with a burp, then you sniff with a sneeze, you get the going, and that triggers a fart, always.
Eric Lamonsoff in Grown Ups - 2
Lenny Feder: "Doctor, wouldn't it be nice if there was a cure for anger?"
Dr. Larry: "There is. It's called Jack Daniels."
Dr. Larry: "There is. It's called Jack Daniels."
Grown Ups - 2
I can't believe nobody's even scared of a black guy anymore! Damn you, Obama!
Kurt McKenzie in Grown Ups - 2
Do not call him a bug-eyed sociopath with a little man complex. Do not say that his hair makes him look like a dirty q-tip. Or that he resembles an older, gay Jonas Brother. Or a midget, Filipino Fonzi.
Gloria Nunen in Grown Ups
Life can be difficult sometimes, it gets bumpy. What with family and kids and things not going exactly like you planned. But that's what makes it interesting. In life the first act is always exciting. The second act... that is where the depth comes in.
Gloria Nunen in Grown Ups
Eric Lamonsoff: "Your dad has won over 50 games with that shot."
Greg Feder: "Really? Because that shot doesn't work on the Wii."
Eric Lamonsoff: "Well, you should Wii-turn that Wii and get yourself a Wii-fund. Tim Duncan has had over a hundred game winners with that shot."
Greg Feder: "Really? Because that shot doesn't work on the Wii."
Eric Lamonsoff: "Well, you should Wii-turn that Wii and get yourself a Wii-fund. Tim Duncan has had over a hundred game winners with that shot."
Marcus Higgins in Grown Ups
I used to get 10 cases of beer for my parties. Now I get 10 cases of juice boxes.
Lenny Feder in Grown Ups - 2
Becky Feder: "Daddy! Where is it taking them?"
Marcus Higgins: "Hell."
Lenny Feder: "Higgins. Don't say that."
Marcus Higgins: "Oh I'm sorry. Not Hell... Mexico."
Marcus Higgins: "Hell."
Lenny Feder: "Higgins. Don't say that."
Marcus Higgins: "Oh I'm sorry. Not Hell... Mexico."
Marcus Higgins in Grown Ups
Hey Y, where's MCA?
Marcus Higgins in Grown Ups
In the 1950s in Columbia, South Carolina, it was considered OK for kids to play with weird things. We could go to the hardware store and buy 100 feet of dynamite fuse.
There was very little art in my childhood. I was raised in South Carolina; I wasn't aware of any art in South Carolina. There was a minor museum in Charleston, which had nothing of interest in it. It showed local artists, paintings of birds.
They say money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a flight to South Carolina - and that's pretty much the same thing.
Michael: "You will be thin. You won't drool over pizza like an animal anymore. You will find love."
Kevin: "Michael, I'm pretty much okay with who I am now."
Michael: "Don't be. You should never settle for who you are."
Kevin: "Michael, I'm pretty much okay with who I am now."
Michael: "Don't be. You should never settle for who you are."
Michael Scott in The Office - Season 7 Episode 22
Holly and I are like Romeo and Juliet. And this office is like the dragon that kept them apart.
Michael Scott in The Office - Season 7 Episode 16
Yes, I can ride a bike. I take spinning classes three times a month. I think I know how to ride a bike. I had those extra wheels on the back that support you.
Michael Scott in The Office - Season 7 Episode 5
Pam: "Jim and I have never and will never have sex in the office."
Jim: "No, because the office isn't what I'd consider a romantic place."
Pam: "Besides, we have something those other people don't have, which is a home and a bed."
Jim: "And a shower."
Jim: "No, because the office isn't what I'd consider a romantic place."
Pam: "Besides, we have something those other people don't have, which is a home and a bed."
Jim: "And a shower."
Jim Halpert in The Office - Season 7 Episode 16
1If I had a gun with two bullets and I was in a room with Hitler, bin Laden, and Toby - I would shoot Toby twice.
Michael Scott in The Office - Season 6 Episode 25
1You need somebody who understands your references. Who is Kafkaesque? I've never...- I don't know him.
Michael Scott in The Office - Season 6 Episode 9
1Dear Boys, be the type of guy you want your daughter to be with.
I feel like I've got feet firmly in different camps. Between the right of gun ownership and public safety.
After all, I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.
Anna Scott in Notting Hill
22You should never trust a woman who just had her heart broken. We tend to lie.
Bree Van De Kamp in Desperate Housewives - Season 1 Episode 12
18Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.
Olaf Schubert in heute-show - heute-show vom 08.09.2017
One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".
To never be sick can't be healthy.
A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.
Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!
Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.
This is the end of Wladimir Putin.
Jan Böhmermann - February 2022
If you see German soldiers, don't panic. They are here to help.
Donald Tusk (about German soldiers helping with floodings in Poland) - September 2024