Alan: "Look, if you feel so strongly about this girl, why don't you just call her?"
Charlie: "Yeah, sure, I could call her. I could also Fed-Ex her my testicles in a little silk bag."
Charlie: "Yeah, sure, I could call her. I could also Fed-Ex her my testicles in a little silk bag."
Charlie: "Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a wh*re-house."
Alan: "Excuse me?"
Charlie: "You're constantly surprised when you've been screwed - and you don't want to pay for it!"
Alan: "Excuse me?"
Charlie: "You're constantly surprised when you've been screwed - and you don't want to pay for it!"
Charlie: "Oh never again, never again."
Berta: "You gonna stop drinking?"
Charlie: "Are you crazy, I'm gonna stop waking up!"
Berta: "You gonna stop drinking?"
Charlie: "Are you crazy, I'm gonna stop waking up!"
Jake: "It means 'sexually transmitted disease'."
Charlie: "I know what STD's are!"
Alan: "Your uncle helped invent them."
Jake: "You know, they can be prevented by using a condom."
Charlie: "I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now we gotta use a hammer."
Jake: "I don't understand."
Charlie: "Go get me a hammer, and I'll show you."
Jake: "Okay.' [walks out]
Charlie: "You must be so proud."
Jake: "Ballpeen or claw hammer?"
Alan: "Do me a favour. When he comes back, just do it."
Charlie: "I know what STD's are!"
Alan: "Your uncle helped invent them."
Jake: "You know, they can be prevented by using a condom."
Charlie: "I know we could have prevented you by using a condom. Now we gotta use a hammer."
Jake: "I don't understand."
Charlie: "Go get me a hammer, and I'll show you."
Jake: "Okay.' [walks out]
Charlie: "You must be so proud."
Jake: "Ballpeen or claw hammer?"
Alan: "Do me a favour. When he comes back, just do it."
Two and a half Men - Season 6 Episode 18
1Alan: "I feel like the universe is playing some horrible practical joke on me."
Charlie: "Wow, I lost 8000 dollar playing poker, I have no idea where my car is, threw up in my mouth three times, and I'm still having a better night than you are."
Charlie: "Wow, I lost 8000 dollar playing poker, I have no idea where my car is, threw up in my mouth three times, and I'm still having a better night than you are."
Two and a half Men - Season 6 Episode 13
1Lord. You blessed me with a lot: more money than I know what to do with, a beautiful home, and a surprisingly resilient liver. You have truly given unto me with both hands, which brings me to my request.
Of all the gifts yo've bestowed upon me, none are a greater testament to your glory than Chelsea's heavenly breasts. I don't know why you couldn't have thrown in a sturdy spine so she could tote those things around, but who am I to question your methods?
Anyway, you probably know that she's thinking about tampering with your great work, and I was just hoping that you could, you know that, talk to her, return her to the path of righteousness and bodaciousness. Amen.
Of all the gifts yo've bestowed upon me, none are a greater testament to your glory than Chelsea's heavenly breasts. I don't know why you couldn't have thrown in a sturdy spine so she could tote those things around, but who am I to question your methods?
Anyway, you probably know that she's thinking about tampering with your great work, and I was just hoping that you could, you know that, talk to her, return her to the path of righteousness and bodaciousness. Amen.
Let us consider the hummingbird, Alan. Or the butterfly. All of God's creature are perfect just the way He made them. Except you. You suck.
Alan: "You'll go to mom's funeral, won't you Charlie?"
Charlie: "Of course! As the eldest son, it's my duty to pound the last stake into her heart."
Charlie: "Of course! As the eldest son, it's my duty to pound the last stake into her heart."
She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.
Two and a half Men - Season 2 Episode 8
Well, I want it on the record that if the kid was running a blackjack game under the bleachers, he didn't necessarily get the idea from me.
Two and a half Men - Season 2 Episode 3