The best Quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Jacob Peralta is my best detective. He likes putting away bad guys and he loves solving puzzles. The only puzzle he hasn't solved is how to grow up.

Terry Jeffords - Season 1 Episode 1

Jacob Peralta

Peralta: "I'm just gonna grab a healthy breakfast."
Holt: "Are those gummybears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?"
Peralta: "Breakfast-Burrito... but, yeah."
Holt: "I pity your dentist."
Peralta: "Joke's on you, I don't have a dentist!"

Jacob Peralta - Season 1 Episode 15

Teeth Dentists

Raymond: "Here are two pictures. One is your locker, the other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Can you tell which is which?"
Jacob: "That one's the dump?"
Raymond: "They're both your locker!"

Captain Raymond Holt - Season 1 Episode 2

Philippines

Guy: "I'm super glad you guys are here right now. Are you smelling that weed smell? 'Cause a dude broke in, smoked weed and bolted."
Jacob: "Do you think it's the same dude that left that bong there on the floor?"

Jacob Peralta - Season 1 Episode 1

Raymond: "Everyone! I'm your new commanding officer, Captain Ray Holt."
Amy: "Speech!"
Raymond: "That was my speech."

Captain Raymond Holt - Season 1 Episode 1

Wuntch: "Hello Raymond, how do you like my new office? Twentieth floor."
Raymond: "Yes, I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom under you."

Captain Raymond Holt

She's a devil and you don't dance with the devil, because you get burned. Also because in Madeline's case, she has no rhythm and her hands are like little rat claws.

Captain Raymond Holt

Wuntch: "Sticks and Stones, Raymond."
Raymond: "Describing your breakfast?"

Captain Raymond Holt

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George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.

Patton Oswalt

It's like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now.

Patton Oswalt

90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on.

Patton Oswalt

I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.

Patton Oswalt

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

Patton Oswalt

Jogging is the worst. I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?

Ann Perkins in Parks and Recreation - Season 4 Episode 7

Sports Jogging

One time my refrigerator stopped working. I didn't know what to do. I just moved.

Tom Haverford in Parks and Recreation - Season 5 Episode 19

If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?

Ron Swanson in Parks and Recreation

I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

Ron Swanson in Parks and Recreation - Season 3 Episode 2

What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring really loudly at me.

Leslie Knope in Parks and Recreation

I would like a glass of red wine and I'll take the cheapest one you have because I can't tell the difference.

Leslie Knope in Parks and Recreation

Wine

I'm big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.

Leslie Knope in Parks and Recreation

I'm going to tell you a secret about everyone else's job: no one knows what they are doing. Deep down, everyone is just faking it until they figure it out.

April Ludgate in Parks and Recreation

You don't have to brush all your teeth - just the ones you intend on keeping.

Teeth Dentists

Randall: "I thought you said he was a doctor?"
Dinkle: "Dentists are doctors!"
Randall: "Yeah, and birds are books. What a loser."

Randall Crawford in Paradise PD - Season 1 Episode 1

Dentists

I love the Philippines. But they need better beer!

Gordon Herbert - September 2023, about Germany winning the World Cup

Philippines Basketball World Cup 2023

No matter what I do, literally nothing bad can happen to me. I'm like a white, male U.S. Senator.

Leslie Knope in Parks and Recreation

There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.

Ron Swanson in Parks and Recreation

Milk

Ugh. I hate talking to people about things.

April Ludgate in Parks and Recreation

I had to call in a few favors. But if you don't call in favors to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?

Tom Haverford in Parks and Recreation

The best Quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

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