The best Quotes from Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Jacob Peralta is my best detective. He likes putting away bad guys and he loves solving puzzles. The only puzzle he hasn't solved is how to grow up.

Peralta: "I'm just gonna grab a healthy breakfast."
Holt: "Are those gummybears wrapped in a fruit roll-up?"
Peralta: "Breakfast-Burrito... but, yeah."
Holt: "I pity your dentist."
Peralta: "Joke's on you, I don't have a dentist!"

Raymond: "Here are two pictures. One is your locker, the other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Can you tell which is which?"
Jacob: "That one's the dump?"
Raymond: "They're both your locker!"

Guy: "I'm super glad you guys are here right now. Are you smelling that weed smell? 'Cause a dude broke in, smoked weed and bolted."
Jacob: "Do you think it's the same dude that left that bong there on the floor?"

Raymond: "Everyone! I'm your new commanding officer, Captain Ray Holt."
Amy: "Speech!"
Raymond: "That was my speech."

Wuntch: "Hello Raymond, how do you like my new office? Twentieth floor."
Raymond: "Yes, I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom under you."

She's a devil and you don't dance with the devil, because you get burned. Also because in Madeline's case, she has no rhythm and her hands are like little rat claws.

Wuntch: "Sticks and Stones, Raymond."
Raymond: "Describing your breakfast?"

George Bush is not stupid. He's evil. OK? There's a huge difference between stupid and evil.

It's like our country is being run by a bunch of bad alcoholic dads right now.

90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on.

I have to drink this much to be as unfunny as you.

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.

Jogging is the worst. I know it keeps you healthy, but God, at what cost?

One time my refrigerator stopped working. I didn't know what to do. I just moved.

If you don't believe in love, what's the point of living?

I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

What I hear when I'm being yelled at is people caring really loudly at me.

I would like a glass of red wine and I'll take the cheapest one you have because I can't tell the difference.

I'm big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.

I'm going to tell you a secret about everyone else's job: no one knows what they are doing. Deep down, everyone is just faking it until they figure it out.

You don't have to brush all your teeth - just the ones you intend on keeping.

Randall: "I thought you said he was a doctor?"
Dinkle: "Dentists are doctors!"
Randall: "Yeah, and birds are books. What a loser."

I love the Philippines. But they need better beer!

No matter what I do, literally nothing bad can happen to me. I'm like a white, male U.S. Senator.

There's only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that is lying about being milk.

Ugh. I hate talking to people about things.

I had to call in a few favors. But if you don't call in favors to look at women in bikinis and assign them numerical grades, what the hell do you call in favors for?