The best Quotes by Bob Newhart

The only way to survive is to have a sense of humour.

Don't live in the past. There's no point. You can't change anything. What a waste of time.

People with a sense of humor tend to be less egocentric and more realistic in their view of the world and more humble in moments of success and less defeated in times of travail.

I think you should be a child for as long as you can. I have been successful for 74 years being able to do that. Don't rush into adulthood, it isn't all that much fun.

I think one reason for a successful marriage is laughter. I think laughter gets you through the rough moments in a marriage.

Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.

Faith makes things turn out right.

Bernard: "Are- are you hurt, sir?"
Orville: "Nope. One of my better landings, bud."

Now, look here, you two. If anyone found out that mice have moved in, I'd get kicked out, lose my job.

Bernard: "Oh no. There are thirteen steps on this ramp."
Bianca: "Why don't you jump the last one?"

Papa Elf: "Silly as it sounds, a lot of people down south don't believe in Santa Claus."
Buddy: "What?! Well, who do they think puts all their toys under the tree?"
Papa Elf: "Well, there's a rumor floating around that the parents do it."

The code of Elves
1. Treat every day like Christmas
2. There's room for everyone on the nice list
3. The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear

I passed through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, and then I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel.

Emily: "Did you sleep okay last night?"
Buddy: "Great! I got a full 40 minutes!"

Buddy: "I thought the magical reindeer made the sleigh fly."
Papa Elf: "And where do the reindeer get their magic from?"
Buddy: "Christmas spirit. Everybody knows that."

I thought maybe we could make ginger bread houses, and eat cookie dough, and go ice skating, and maybe even hold hands.

Leon: "At least you have a daddy. I was just rolled up one day and left out here in the cold."
Buddy: "But the thing is, I've never even left the North Pole."
Leon: "Buddy, I've been around the world many times when I was a young cumulus nimbus cloud. It's a wonderful place, filles with wondrous creatures - except dogs. Oh, by the way, don't eat the yellow snow!"

There are only three jobs available to an Elf. The first is making shoes at night while, you know, while the old cobbler sleeps. You can bake cookies in a tree. As you can imagine, it's dangerous having an oven in an oak tree during the dry season. But the third job - some call it "the show", or "the big dance" - it's the profession that every elf aspires to, and that it to build toys in Santa's workshop.

We elves try to stick to the four main food groups - candy, candy canes, candy corns, and syrup.

What about this: a tribe of asparagus children, but they're self-conscious about the way their pee smells.

Why are there so many Latina's in Illinois?
Because that's where the Chica go.

They say money can't buy happiness, but it can buy a flight to Illinois - and that's pretty much the same thing.

If you can't laugh at yourself, life is going to seem a whole lot longer than you'd like.

He who can make people laugh has to be taken seriously; all people with power know that.

My son Jack once said to me, "Dad, do you think people are laughing with you or at you?"
I said, "I don't care as long as they're laughing."

For the soul, laughing is what oxygen is for the lungs.

The future is easy because it doesn't exist; but the past is painful because it lives forever.

I'd give up all the world to see that little piece of heaven looking back at me.
Now that it's over, I just wanna hold her.
I've gotta live with the choices I made and I can't live with myself today.

A child's voice, however honest and true, is meaningless to those who've forgotten how to listen.

All grown-ups were once children... but only few of them remember it.

You're never too old to be young.

It's the way it works: Love plus time minus distance equals hate.

Kim Jong-un is very isolated in his own country. He's the only obese person in North Korea.

One of the main differences between Munich and Berlin is that when thousands of people get drunk in silly clothes and start vomitting, we don't call it "Oktoberfest", we call it "Tuesday".

To never be sick can't be healthy.

A Christian telling an atheist they're going to hell is as scary as a child telling an adult they're not getting any presents from Santa.

Life is so damn short. For f's sake, just do what makes you happy!

Life is fleeting. And if you're ever distressed, cast your eyes to the summer sky when the stars are strung across the velvety night. And when a shooting star streaks through the blackness, turning night into day... make a wish and think of me.

I will be casting my vote for Kamala Harris and Tim Walz in the 2024 Presidential Election. I'm voting for Kamala Harris because she fights for the rights and causes I believe need a warrior to champion them.