The best Quotes from Blackadder

Lord Melchett: "Ah, Blackadder, talking to yourself, I see."
Blackadder: "Yes, it's the only way I can be sure of intelligent conversation."

Edmund Blackadder

Sassy Quotes

Mrs M, if we were the last three humans on earth, I would be trying to start a family with Baldrick.

Edmund Blackadder

Dump-Quotes

They do say, Mrs M, that verbal insults hurt more than physical pain. They are, of course, wrong, as you will soon discover when I stick this toasting fork into your head.

Edmund Blackadder

Funny Threats

Baldrick, I want you to take this and go out and buy a turkey so large, you'd think its mother had been rogered by an omnibus.

Edmund Blackadder

Turkeys

Baldrick, believe me, eternity in the company of Beelzebub and all his hellish instruments of death will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me - and THIS pencil.

Edmund Blackadder

The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn't he, Percy?

Edmund Blackadder

Funny Insults Brain

There hasn't been a war run this badly since Olaf the hairy, King of all the Vikings, ordered 80,000 battle helmets with the horns on the inside.

Edmund Blackadder

Vikings & Northmen

He's madder than Mad Jack McMad, the winner of last year's Mr Madman competition.

Edmund Blackadder

Your brain is so minute Baldrick, that if a hungry cannibal cracked your head open, there wouldn't be enough to cover a small water biscuit.

Edmund Blackadder

Funny Insults

Pitt the Younger: "I intend to put my own brother up as a candidate against you."
Blackadder: "And which Pitt would this be? Pitt the Toddler? Pitt the Embryo? Pitt the Glint in the Milkman's Eye?"

Edmund Blackadder

Lord Flashheart: "Enter the man who has no underwear. Ask me why."
Others: "Why do you have no underwear, Lord Flash?"
Lord Flashheart: "Because the pants haven't been built yet that'll take the job on."

Lord Flashheart

Baldrick: "I have a plan, sir."
Blackadder: "Really, Baldrick? A cunning and subtle one?"
Baldrick: "Yes, sir."
Blackadder: "As cunning as a fox who's just been appointed Professor of Cunning at Oxford University?"

The suspect has his head placed upon a block, and an axe aimed at his neck. If the man is guilty, the axe will bounce off his neck. If the man is not guilty, the axe will simply slice his head off.

Baldrick: "I love my mum."
Blackadder: "And I love chops in sauce but I don't seek their advice."

Edmund Blackadder

Sassy Quotes

Oh, Edmund. I do love it when you get cross. Sometimes I think about having you executed, just to see the expression on your face.

Queenie

Field Marshal Haig is about to make yet another gargantuan effort to move his drinks cabinet six inches closer to Berlin.

Edmund Blackadder

Samuel Johnson: "This book, sir, contains every word in our beloved language."
Blackadder: "Every single one, sir?"
Samuel Johnson: "Every single word, sir."
Blackadder: "Oh, well, in that case, sir, I hope you will not object if I also offer the Doctor my most enthusiastic contrafibularities."

Edmund Blackadder

Baldrick, you wouldn't recognise a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on a harpsicord singing "subtle plans are here again".

Edmund Blackadder

Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words 'I have a cunning plan' marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?

Edmund Blackadder

Baldrick, your head is as empty as a eunach's underpants.

Edmund Blackadder

Funny Insults

Mrs Miggins: "Don't mind them Mr B, they're just being intellectual."
Blackadder: "There's nothing intellectual about wandering around Italy in a big shirt trying to get laid."

Edmund Blackadder

Italy

Am I pleased to see you or did I just put a canoe in my pocket?!

Lord Flashheart

Prince George: "Someone said I had the wit and intellect of a donkey."
Blackadder: "Oh, an absurd suggestion sir. Unless it was a particularly stupid donkey."

Edmund Blackadder

Funny Insults Donkeys

Blackadder: "Criminal record?"
Baldrick: "Absolutely not."
Blackadder: "Oh, come on, Baldrick. You're going to be an MP for God's sake. I'll just put fraud and sexual deviance."

Edmund Blackadder

Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot.

Edmund Blackadder

The path of my life is strewn with cowpats from the Devil's own satanic herd.

Edmund Blackadder

Lord Blackadder: "Ah, Melchett! Greetings! I trust Christmas brings you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach cramp."
Lord Melchett: "And compliments of the season to you, Blackadder. May the Yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down."

Christmas

Mr. Pants: "You've really worked out your banter, haven't you?"
Blackadder: "No, this is a different thing. It's spontaneous and it's called wit."

Edmund Blackadder

Old woman: "The Wise Woman? There are two things you must know about the Wise Woman! First... she is a woman! And second...-"
Blackadder: "She is wise?"
Old woman: "Oh, you do know her then."
Blackadder: "No, just a quick stab in the dark - which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't start being more helpful."

Edmund Blackadder

We're in the stickiest situation since Sticky the Stick Insect got stuck on a sticky bun.

Edmund Blackadder

I may have the body of a weak and feeble woman, but I have the heart and stomach of a concrete elephant.

Queenie

She's got a tongue like an electric eel, and she likes the taste of a man's tonsils.

Lord Flashheart

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To criticize a person for their race is manifestly irrational and ridiculous, but to criticize their religion, that is a right. That is a freedom.

Rowan Atkinson

Religion Racism

I have always worried about things more than I should.

Rowan Atkinson

Thinking

Mr. Bean is essentially a child trapped in the body of a man. All cultures identify with children in a similar way, so he has this bizarre global outreach.

Rowan Atkinson

I've always had live audiences.

Rik Mayall

With 1,000-seater venues, rather than 5,000-seaters, there are richer opportunities for sucking the audience in.

Rik Mayall

I had a very happy childhood, happy teenage years and I was famous by the time I was 22. A charmed life.

Rik Mayall

I am a coffee fanatic. Once you go to proper coffee, you can't go back. You cannot go back.

Hugh Laurie

Coffee

I don't talk like House, or walk like him. I certainly don't think like him. I don't like to think for more than 15 minutes at a stretch actually; I am a fragile flower.

Hugh Laurie

Humility was considered a great virtue in my family household. No show of complacency or self-satisfaction was ever tolerated. Patting yourself on the back was definitely not encouraged, and pleasure or pride would be punishable by death.

Hugh Laurie

My first words, as I was being born I looked up at my mother and said, "that's the last time I'm going up one of those!"

Stephen Fry

Funny Quotes

I called JK up and said, "Look, do you mind, I can't say 'Harry pocketed-ed it'. Would it be okay if I said 'Harry put it in his pocket'?" There was a big pause at the end of the line, then she said, "No" in her best witch's voice. I could hear her smile as she said it.

Stephen Fry - Mai 2019

Joanne K. Rowling Quotes about Harry Potter

You are who you are when nobody's watching.

Stephen Fry

Violet: "I'm so looking forward to seeing your mother again. When I'm with her, I'm reminded of the virtues of the English."
Matthew: "But isn't she American?"
Violet: "Exactly."

Violet Crawley in Downton Abbey

England & Great Britain

The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter... or at least, most minds are.

Severus Snape in Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

Harry James Potter Spirit Funny Insults

"Dawn Schweitzer is a fat virgin."
"Still half true."

Mean Girls

Fat People Sassy Quotes

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

Winston Churchill

Dump-Quotes Funny Politician Quotes Funny Insults

I'm gonna beat you like a piñata till candy flies out of your ass!

Lucy Joe Heisner in Shameless - Season 2 Episode 4

Funny Threats

We celebrate a holiday that praises our success at genocide. It's a white celebration of colonization. That's not sadistic enough. We package it up with the image of a happy, smiling turkey. The emblem of the holiday is the animal that we slaughter en masse.

Marcus Baker in Ginny & Georgia - Season 2 Episode 1

Thanksgiving Turkeys

The best Quotes from Blackadder

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